This is my first post on the forum. I am not sure if this is the right section to post this, but I trust the moderators will place it in the right section.

We have been married for 12 years and have 1 child. For years our physical intimacy has been lacking alot. Even while we were dating, there was no physical aspect to our relationship. We were best friends. The first time we ever kissed was when I put the ring on her finger when I proposed.

I have really struggled with this, and it has been an issue of contention for us. During one of our discussions, my wife admitted to me that she has never really been very attracted to me. That she loves me, that I am her best friend, that she fell in love with my heart, but there has never been that "chemistry" of her toward me. And I had sensed that for so long. I mean you know when someone is just going through the motions. She said she has had it before, with other guys, but never with me. In particular, there was her high school/college boyfriend that she had it the most with.

I knew she had been sexually active with the other men, and I pressed as to what was so different. She said she didn't know exactly, it was just chemistry. She confessed that she enjoyed the physical intimacy with them alot more, that she was more expressive. Of course, that hurt so bad. She said she longs for that again, not with them, per se, but just those old feelings.

I know this is probably unethical, but I have read her journals where she writes to God. She has prayed for a desire for me, for those feelings she described she had with others. So I know she is seeking the right thing. But she also wrote that she cringes at the thought of my touch, and that she is intimate with me out of obedience more than desire.

I am not sure where to go, what to do. I mean, this has really hit me hard, I feel so inadequate as a man. We are committed, divorce is not in our vocabulary, but at the same time, I don't know how to proceed forward. I feel like it's a form of emotional infidelity. At least it hurts like being betrayed. I would greatly appreciate any advice or counsel you might offer.

BTW - I am not overweight or out of shape. I work out 4 times a week, am very active, and have good hygiene.

Thanks for your help.

The best thing you can do, is to read up on the emotional needs questionaire and the love busters questionaire and start spending 20 hours per week together.

It helps if you are spending time at exhilarating activities which give the body an adrenalin rush. (it is scientifically proven that people tend to fall in love at the gym/on vacation etc. because the body is agitated/aroused. This feeling then swaps over to the one you are working out with.

The two of you should be spending 20 hours a week of undivided attention time (not in the home). Once you and she are feeling in love again, you can see if the problem gets better as a consequence. If not, you should take further action.
But it makes no sense to try to better your sex life with a woman who is not in love with you. So first things first.

Another important point is, if she takes any medication. If so, read up on the side effects. If she is on hormonal birth control (also the IUD with hormones) has thyroid problems or any other medical issues, that can harm her feelings in that department.

Good luck and God bless,

Happyheart

There is no simple answer to this.

Your W can not be attracted to you.

Your W can be getting her SF needs else where all this time. Married you for your financial support.

Medical issues.

Mental issues.

The biggest issue is how long did you date before you out the ring on and got kissed. By what you write we have to assume you got a kiss not a make put session.

So why did you marry a woman that kept you arms length away physically before you married her?

You married a woman that gets turned on by others but not by you. So again why did you marry her?

You both have issues.

I agree with the above poster and try to ramp up on meeting her Emotional Needs.

With women in general, they need intimacy to want SF. With men, they want SF to feel intimate. So you have to cultivate that feeling of intimacy with her and that is by meeting her ENs...

Thank you all for the inputs and advice. I will try to answer some of your questions, and maybe that will add clarity to our situation and offer further insights.

We dated for approximately 18 months before I proposed. I really don't consider what we did as dating in the traditional sense. We enjoyed doing things together (movies, eating out, church activities, playing tennis, etc.) but more as friends. But during that time, we really grew close and our hearts fell in love. We had so much in common, and shared common virtues on life. The biggest of these was and is our faith in God, and in our relationship with Christ. My prayer had always been for God to make our relationship what He wanted it to be, for His glory. As a result, He confirmed to me that I should propose. So, we went from being friends to being engaged.

We didn't kiss until we were engaged, but then we kissed alot afterwards, lol! We were engaged for 6 months before we married, and I felt like we both had to fight really hard to keep from going all the way before we were married. So, at first, I thought we were mutually attracted to each other, that the chemistry was definately there.

But after the honeymoon, things began to slowly subside over time, leading up to the conversation we had that I wrote about above. One thing that has always been a part of our marriage is honesty. And I appreciate her honesty about this, even though it is painful. At least I know. And she said how hard it was for her to confess this, knowing how bad it would hurt me, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. I believe it was her way of saying "It's my problem, not yours."

As far as the time we spend together, we spend every Friday together until school is out. We go to the gym, movie, or do things around our house. We go to the gym together at least twice a week. We also participate in Bible studies together. Maybe not 20 hours a week, but a fair amount of one-on-one time.

There are not any medications involved, she is not on the pill. We both just had our annual physicals and all is well there. So I don't believe anything medical is the issue.

I hope this helps clarify things. And thanks in advance for any advice. I am so glad I found this site.

Being in a bible studie group is not UA, use alone time.

How is your height to weight and muscle tone? Appearance? Hygiene?

I am 5'9" and weight 160 lbs. I think I have good muscle tone and definition. I am 44 years old, so I have a few problem areas that I don't like, such as a little flab on my hips, but I am not overweight at all. I have good tone in my arms, legs, and back.

My wife is an avid runner, and she has very good definition. She is 5'2" and 110 lbs. So, I feel like we are compatible as far as our height and weight go.

I am not sure why this matters, but if it will help in your counsel, I am happy to provide it.

Oooh. That sounds harsh. But you need to tell her that what's going on actually make you uncomfortable. Let her know that you're not trying to tell her what to do, but tell her to understand it from your point of view. Talk it out.