I am trying to put my h's affair behind us & move forward since finding out on dec 11 but has not been an easy road since she wont let go even after taken legal action we have her harrassing us. I've always said any cheating I wouldnt be able to handle it, but am wanting to make right decision for myself & kids. At the moment I am wondering if I can really get over all the hurt & anger I have. Although h is doing everything he can to make things right, if I can get past this it will be a better marriage if he continues like this. Right now I'm stuck on thinking of him too much, I understand the whole lovebuster thing. At the moment it's like why should I after what u put me thru(not saying I'm being nasty), definatley anger still coming thru. h is going out of his way to do things for me. Any help on dealing with the anger would be appreciated. then theres the triggers, which has been making hard to continue,about to face footy season which is big amongst family & friends, the trigger here was they spent there night in hotel watching footy finals together, as well as meeting up gfinal night

Welcome kimono.

What Marriage Builders have you and your husband tried? Was your husband's affair exposed?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Have you read this? How to Survive Infidelity

Also your anger is normal. Especially after having your life ripped out from you and I'm so sorry for your pain.

One nice thing is you found a wonderful group to help you heal and teach you how to have a wonderful marriage.

Hi kimono, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you are on the right path. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Most marriages don't recover from adultery because they don't take the necessary steps to affair proof the marriage and create a romantic marriage. This book will show you how to do those things.

Has your H ended all contact with the OW? Does he see her EVER? Is she married, and if so, has her husband been informed?

hi, thanks for advive, we both have read surviving an affair & are currently reading his needs her needs. all contact has stopped since affair exposed, we have had to take an ivo out on her as she persist to harass us,family & friends. yes she is married with kids, husband turned up for 2nd court appearance,not sure how much he knows????
right now there is only in laws a couple of friends that are aware of the affair.
I feel like I am in a 1000 pieces at the moment, trying to get thru each day..................really not sure I can do this.
the ow still feels that she is in love with my h, so she is making it difficult to move forward.

I would get ahold of him and tell him all about the affair and her continued contact. The other spouse can be a great ally. If you haven't told him about the affair then he can't really watch her from his end. And he needs to protect himself and his children from his wife and your husband.

Does the OW have a facebook page? If so, I would look on it and see if you can ID her parents and close family. They could also be an ally in getting her to leave your family alone. The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable.

I dont think the husband has much control of her, she dosnt share fb passwords with him. her father has died, apparently not talking to mother & has no real friends to speak of.Im told this was not her only affair. She has kept all txts, has photos of h & I'm guessing is sitting there looking everyday, therefore shes not getting pass the withdrawl, hence the harassing.
how do u get past your h going to hotel for romantic night, thinking of them ripping each other clothes off??? they usually caught up in his lunch breaks so they were heading out bush

Did you read my comments about contacting the OW's husband? I would contact him and make sure he knows all about the affair. He can be your best ally in stopping contact.


You create a more romantic marriage that replaces those bad thoughts. It takes about 2 years for the images to fade.

But I would certainly call the OW's husband and make sure he knows all about the affair. And if that old ho ever contacts your H again, do a nuclear exposure on her facebook page. If she has a facebook page I would go there now and copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.

I believe contact betweem them has stopped, she is claiming different but cant come up with proof. h didnt fight me on the ivo. he seems to have a hatred for her now, he says she was blackmailing to to tell me of A if he didnt continue contact with her.
I do have the fb list but I am dealing with a disturbed person. If she continues I'm not sure I will be able to stay.
how many of you disclosed the affair to family & friends & was it straight after or 2 yrs or more down the track?? was this of benefit to u??

Kimono,
Believing and knowing are two different things.

What are you going to do to make sure the OW BH knows?

Did you read Melodylane's posts?

We know your in pain and we are trying to help you recover your M.

Most of us exposed the affair to our families and friends. But more importantly, it needs to be exposed to the OW's husband. Exposure is the first step towards recovery because it lifts the fantasy of the affair. The more people who know, the more to hold your husband accountable.

Why do you believe contact has stopped if the OW is saying otherwise?

It is really important that you contact her husband and exchange notes with him.

we have had to change mobile numbers & house to private, I have to have a little trust I guess in h after all he has gone along with ivo. And the ow is trying desperatley to get contact thru our friends & family, would she need to do this if she was talkin to h???

Hiya Kimono, glad to see you posting! I just wanted to make you feel welcome... keep reading and keep following the advice.

Sometimes you might be told things you don't like to hear or don't agree with... think about why. For me, often the posts I had the strongest reaction to was because the truth was hitting too close to home or I was scared to do what was suggested.

Exposure is only mentioned briefly in Surviving an Affair (SAA). I've posted some links below that give more detail and might help you understand why it is such an important step (and why posters will be encouraging you to do this).

Please read the following links.
When Should An Affair Be Exposed?
And Exposure 101

Now I'll leave you in the vets capable hands. Love ya

Deciding whether or not to expose to her H isn't dependent upon how much 'control' he may or may not have over his WW. It's not a matter of control. Don't speculate on what her H does or doesn't have.

Your continued silence regarding her H is only encouraging the OW to continue what she is doing. She is seeing no downside to her actions.

You need to talk to him and give him the straight story on what his WW has been up to. Do this right away. You may be pleasantly surprised at the amount of 'control' he really does have.

Hopefully you understand that "trust" in your husband is very unwarranted? It is too much trust that allowed the affair to go undetected.

Did you see my comments about calling up the OW's husband? He needs to know about the affair and that she has continued contact. That may stop her attempts at contact. The fact that she is continuing to contact your H should really scare you, because eventually they may hook up.

sorry i wasnt clear enough, the ow is contacting friends thru fake fb pages & trying to friend me thru these. she is unable to contact h. and yes it does scare me she is still trying & believes shes in love with him.
any hints on getting thru this time of anger, to move forward would be appreciated??

Kimono,
The anger will get better when your husband does everything you require to recover your M. If you follow the MB plan with no diversions you will have a wonderful M.

You need to work the plan. The first thing is to contact the OW's H. If you have his eyes on her it will help her not contacting your H. When can you do this?
Also, has your H wrote a NC letter?

my h is trying to do everything he can to please me, his trying to think how things he does is effecting me, he wants to spend all his time off with me. I get emails from his work, to know when he is leaving the premises at any time & regular phone calls thru out the day.hes happy for me to hold onto his phone any time. so us we are trying to repair the damage. no letter has be written

So is there a reason you won't contact the OW's BH?

Here are some good examples of a NC letter. No Contact Letters

Yep. I suggest you contact her husband and tell him what she's been up to. That very likely will kick the legs out from under her.

Kimono, this has been suggested to you a number of times and you've not responded to those suggestions. Why?

how is contacting husband going to help me get thru the anger???
& yes i have been thinking of contacting the husband, I just have a concern my kids are going to loose their dad by doing this