And, do you further understand it will not work out with XBW also BECAUSE OF YOU.

Right now, as is, YOU are not a fit man to be any woman's husband.

Do you further understand what is required is more than "winning" or "wooing" your XBW back?
You need to fundamentally change yourself.

And, you have only begun the first baby step.

Be alone.
No women.

Wondering where to begin on the road to redemption?

Start with your kids.
ALL your focus is on them, their well-being.

You don't need romance, you need to be a father to these children with NO DISTRACTIONS.

OZ has spoken .......

You have to make some move, you have more time to save your marriage all you need is to make some date with your wife and talk to her for reconciliation.

Well said Pep.....

What??? Lovestations, please read the articles on this site and the Basic Concepts before you post advice to other posters.

I've been watching your posts, and you've posted nothing about your situation. You've only spent your few posts making flaky posts that mean zero to the poster.

If I'm watching you, you can guarantee that the mods are as well. They won't take kindly to flaky, disruptive posts to the members here.

What's your story, lovestations? I'm looking forward to your thread.

Well the first thing you need to do is read up on this site in the articles section about no contact letters/NC.

Then write a NC letter telling the OW that you want NC for life that what the both of you did to BW was wrong and hurtful. That you were sorry to hurt your BW and children.

Then go and buy two copies of the book Surviving AN Affair/SAA. Written by doc Harley. Bring a copy of the book to your BW as a gift and tell her this book has taught you about the importance of a NC letter. That the NC letter must be shown to the BS for their approval before it gets sent to the OP. Then have a pre-addressed and stamped envelop ready and put it in BW's mail box after BW approves it. If BW says she doesn't care either way just seal and out the letter into her mail box any way.

Your words have been meaningless so you need to show action.

Also at that time you need to so more action so bring a list with new email address with OW blocked, new phone no, with OW no blocked. Showing BW that you are installing boundaries to keep OW away.

Come back after you have done these things.

One thing it would probably take is more initiative, like, say, reading everything Dr. Harley has to say about surviving infidelity:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Bob, this is absolutely true, isn't it?

Affairers are horrible liars. Do yourself a favor, and start down the road to recovery, by telling the truth, and admitting that what SugarCane says here is correct.

How could you even begin to fix a problem without being honest about what the problem is? This is the problem: you care only for yourself. Not your wife, not your children. Say it, and begin to have the power to deal with it and rectify it.

My husband asked to reconcile about a year after we separated. I did not see any actions from him that would make me think he'd made any real changes, so I told him no. The very next day he put as his Facebook status that he was in a relationship with the OW.

That was in the summer of 2010. Since then he has spent less than 24 hours with our minor children and even attempted to send them to boarding school against my/their wishes. He has filed frivolous legal actions against me and also threatened legal action against our oldest daughter.

My XH would have to have a complete personality transplant for me to take him back. I'm not holding my breath.

Put your effort into being a good dad to your kids...you have disrupted their lives and destroyed their family...try to minimize the impact on them. Pay whatever child support and alimony you are court ordered to do. Maintain your parenting time with your children.

So BoobMoo have you done anything I told you?

If you wanted a shot back you would.

BOB,
Im confused. You contacted the OW just last week (knowing she is dating someone else?!) the OW prob told you that she was"dating" someone else to get this reaction out of you since you LEFT her 2 months ago..

YOU met this OW at church?!?!?!?!?

What do you really want in your life??
I think the best opition for you is to BE ALONE (single)for awhile and FIND yourself. DOnt focus your energy to this OW.. DOnt you already know the outcome??so why go there?? You said this Affair ruined your life?? so whyyyyy go there?? think about it.

1/21/2012

Hey All,

I exchanged texts about a week ago with OW. I'm not sure if she is dating another guy doesn't matter. I feel the fog is lifting. She emailed me Monday of this week and I did not respond.

I was feeling depressed got on a dating web site this week and talked to few women. Big mistake. I just took down profile this morning after going to my Christian men's group. Got a good group of guys praying for me.

I need to be single and focus on my kids as everyone has said. I have also had some good conversations with my ex and I'm just trying to be friendly and helpful. I offered to help her buy a new van and she was surprised by that.

I feel really glad to have the OW out of my life. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

I just want to be a good Dad and maybe in time if possible my ex and I can reconcile. I know that will take a long time for her to even consider but hopefully by my actions she will notice a change.

WOW BOBMO!!!

Very proud of you! I am so glad for you.
If you can stay on this path, only the sky is ur limit!

Glad that you took your profile down off of a dating website. First and foremost you need to work on you. Recover from the pain of the adultry.

I am glad that you join a christian group. those prayer will be def help you. You just have to be strong bc it is not going to be a easy road. But with prayer and displine you will raise above this.

I have a question for you.. what made you get out of the fog??
I am just wanting to know from a man perspective bc i have a HW husband and just wondering what does cheating feel like?? did you really think you were in love? was it always great with the OW?

I hope im not triggering anything for you. (if i am ) i am truly sorry. please forgive me.
I just want an honest answer from aman. thats all. and if you dont want to discuss. I understand.

Glad you are coming around and away from that dark fog!!

Lost79,

I answered this on the question you posted but I wanted to add some more. At least for me, I have been a Christian my entire life, I knew what I was doing was wrong but I became selfish and was enjoying the attention and sex.

But, internally, I was miserable. I felt guilty all the time and I just knew it would not work out. I tried to justify it in my mind but I could never justify it.

Like I said on your post, I always felt out of place with her and her girls. I knew I should be with my wife and kids. I felt awful about that. I felt awful about what I was doing to them, especially the kids.

I have to be honest here, and I still struggle with feelings for my wife. I know I have put her through hell but I can't say I understand how painful it is for her. I know that sounds awful but I am just being honest.

I have over the past several weeks felt more remorse than I have ever before. In fact, my good friend told me he could tell I was feeling remorse and he thought that was good.

I think being away from the OW and coming out of the fog I see the total destruction that I did. It is horrible. Sometimes at night when I trying to go to sleep I think about the damage I have done and I look back and I can not believe I did all that.

God sent many people my way to warn me. Friends and people from my church but I basically ignored them. I really felt trapped and addicted to her.

I don't think this will last with your husband and the OW. But I think the others are right. YOu have to protect yourself just like my ex did. YOu need to think about you and how to get through the pain. If you have a church or Divorce group please go seek them out. I know my ex had many friends and a divorce group that helped her.

She is doing pretty well now. I have not told her that I have broken it off with the OW because she won't believe me and doesn't care. That is okay, I understand that.

I hope that in time, maybe after 6 months or longer I will let her know that I haven't spoken with her or have any desire to.

I feel great being away from the OW now. I feel set free. Even if I don't get back with my ex I feel I have done the right thing for my kids and my ex. They will never have to deal with her again since she won't be in my life

BOBMO,
Thank you so much for being honest and your time.

Yes, i just read your reply on my thread..

I will look into the divorce group. this may help me. I really need the help for my mental state. so thank you once again for this info.

Glad to hear you feel "set free" this is a wonderful thing!

keep it up! you WILL get a blessing out of this bc you repented.

God bless you!

Bob - It is HIGHLY and strongly recommended you change your email, your phone, and write a NO CONTACT letter to the OW.

If you want to heal, and possibly recover your marriage, then the above is your first step.

Agree with PI 100%.

If you are serious about defogging and getting OW out of your life, you need to change all of the ways that she can make contact with you, including blocking her from FB.

Also it would be wise to get rid of anything that would trigger you such as letters, pictures, gifts, etc...

She is like a drug to you and any contact or triggers will keep setting you back.

Why haven't you changed your cell phone number?

Be careful with making decisions based on temporary feelings. You are feeling a lack of attention. Proceed carefully on addressing that. I don't know that getting on a dating site is the best decision you can make right now. As a matter of fact, I think it would be good for you spend some time with yourself and your kids right now, to 'de-tox' from the OW. But it sounds like you decided that, as well, and deleted your account - good job. You are not ready to date, friend. It wouldn't be a good idea for you, or for the woman you may meet. You need to remove any possibility of contact with her to ensure that this continues. You need to change your cell phone number, email addresses, and any other means of potential contact between the two of you.

You're on your way - just be sure to clear out any potential avenue of contact between you and the woman who helped destruct your family.