i feel sad and scared. I feel the same way I felt when he suddenly literally walked out the door one day and I couldnt find him.

how can I enjoy plan B? please tell me.

Well for a start you won't feel sad and scared any more. That natural strength of yours we have all seen will come out in to the sunshine.

When I first went into Plan B, I was not happy. My 15 year lovebank for WH wanted a FIX! I just wanted to hear his voice.I was howling in agony. It was intense.

After three weeks I had gotten through withdrawal. After a couple months I could not stop smiling.

These days I neither love nor hate WH. The lovebank account is frozen. I am too busy to care. He could reactivate the accvount if he wanted to and tried hard enough, but in the absence of his efforts I feel less and less and am just looking forward to my fresh start.

Life is better now.

yes.
I think he was drunk when he got back to me.

I really don't want to talk to him. It's like every word he says to me is so painful. I feel like I understand a lot of things about being a good partner, but they just aren't working because of the state of mind he is in.

My worst sin, is I keep talking and it annoys him. so i try to say sorry and shut up and they makes him more annoyed. =(

I have a little cat and I am taking her with me and will stay at my sisters. Am I wrong to entirely ignore WH at this point for a few days or week? I am not out to cause harm, but I am just so scared of him rejecting and being deliberately unkind again. I would rather not even try even if it worries him I am gone. I am tired of being smacked around. It just hurts.

This is why you need Plan B, and fast you are hurt badly. You need time away. First draft a Plan B letter--there are several vets usually ready with samples of a Plan B letter.

And when you write it, please post here so that we can help you edit it to take out any unnecessary things that may give him opportunity to cakeeat.

I will post it here.It is terrible that after all of this, a part of me just wants to do back to him what he did to me? I don't mean cheating, but walking out and ignoring him for the next 3 months.
Have to say that over the past few hours my feelings are becoming ones of disgust. I feel like he didn't have to handle things in the way he did. Everyone has alternative choices to creating this kind of chaos.

I may be glad he is gone. I can't even get through one week without having problems caused by some information he withheld or som stupid lie he told. why the heck do people do that. It's like they WANT you to mess up things by not telling important information.

now he is calling me, writing and all over me trying to be nice.

why don't these people understand what a mindf*** it is to have them going to such extremes in a short amount of time?

/o\

Ellie its like babysitting a drunk.

Its fine to ignore him or just say brief, perky things to him.

Don't engage in conversation with him too much, it'll drive you nuts.

Are you at your sisters? Feel free to shut off your phone and take a break.

good idea. i'm shattered.

This is simple manipulation on his behalf. You are threatening to upset the status quo. Addicts don't like that. Remember, it's all about memememememe with them. And yes, it IS hurtful to the target of their manipulation.

I talked to OW's husband.

He says he didn't know the child might not be his. Apparantly there was "overlap" in who was sleeping with who, when. By his own guess, his WW wanted the money and has been sort of blackmailing my WH. OW's husband now says he will be following up with her and forcing a DNA test and he will see I am informed. He is not appreciative of either his wife or my husband. From what he says, he hasn't seen anything from my WH since his wife came home officially asking for reconciliation.

At this point I have no idea of what went down when WH and OW parted. All I know is one day he showed up on the front porch and said he wanted to be back and I was so relieved I let him. Attempts to discuss at that time were met with him crying how emotionally destroyed and exhausted he was. If I persisted he made threatening implications that my "drama" was going to drive him away.

Subsequent tries on my part to get information or get him to comply with actions that help me feel safe has resulted in more emo crying on his part and further accusations towards me of creating drama. He says he is tired of my drama.

It's made me mad. He keeps approaching me over the few days. He knows I am upset and all I hear is how tired he is my my "DRAMA".

He knows I have been snooping. He caught the keylogger on the home computer and is furious at me. He says why can't I just calm down and give him a bit of peace so he can recover. He says that I am hurting myself by snooping and that I am upset because I am triggering myself. He is whining that he has a heavy workload, that he is TIRED and he didn't do anything AND he says that he is trying to be kind to me and take steps towards me.

I am afraid I LB and told him to back up his dam words with actions ffs! and I would probably be fine and so would he.

His response was to say he couldn't deal with me and walk out the door. I haven't seen him for the last 8 hours

I would LOVE to do what he likes and be calm and happy. I know he is happiest when he sees me that way. But darn it, I CAN'T do it under these conditions. I want to do Plan A, but I feel so destroyed about the lies, the cheating, the baby, the things he says of "don't look, because if you see something and get upset, it's your fault for looking".

I am ready logistically to try Plan B. Should I shut up and try Plan A first, or just say the heck with it, lay out what I need to him so he knows and then go dark?

I am having a really hard time. I am so tired of being to blame for it all. I don't mind taking my share of the blame, but I can't fix it when he keeps doing things to break it!

What do I say to him when he is accusing me of drama. I am so tired of it. It's all I hear when I try to talk to him.
It's really just making want to give up.

I am feeling really resentful. I took a lot, I take a lot. I have tried to respond in productive ways. And then he pushes it further. I just want it to stop. I feel under siege.

GREAT work! Does your H know about any of this?



NEVER LISTEN TO A WAYWARD

Either stuff cotton wool in your ears or practice this mantra: He says 'Drama' you hear 'Blah Blah'. He says 'Drama' you hear Blah Blah'. Can you do that?


You've repeated quite a lot of what he has said/whined here so I think you need more cotton wool in your ears. Stuff it in there or do the Blah Blah thing.

Reverse fog babble, (like the polar bear quote or saying 'Do you wanna cookie?) or saying Plan A statements of fact(such as 'I dont want opposite sex friends in our marriage' or saying 'I need you to make me feel safer')should be said no matter what he is saying, so you dont need to listen to him at all.



That sounds like a great Plan Aing statement as far as the meaning goes. Its exactly what you should be saying - but in a calm voice and no swearing.



Not sure why the sad face. Surely the break is heaven! He's having a toddler tantrum to HURT you and get you back in line.

Whne he comes back, look relaxed as tho you've had a lovely day but be sure to say VERY firmly: "I am not going to stay in a marriage where my h disappears for hours like that. I'd appreciate you not doing that again. Thank you." then ignore response, leave.




NOOOO! A happy wayward is a dangerous creature. Waywards are only happy when they have freedom to cheat

YOUR GOAL IS NOT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

YOUR GOAL IS TO MEET HIS NEEDS - AGAINST HIS WILL

YOUR GOAL IS TO STATE YOUR NEEDS - AGAINST HIS WILL

Waywards dont like Plan A - but tough.




Can you ignore his crazy statements? Can you look good and meet needs? Can you stand up and say what your needs are when he is snarling at you?

If yes, continue Plan A - but the total time you've been Plan Aing should not be longer than three weeks.

If no, get ready for Plan B.

You react with FEAR.

He has complete control -- because you are afraid of all of his reactions.

Why are you afraid of him?
Don't you value yourself and your peace of mind?

He is very effective in shutting down any confrontation -- because you are constatnly afraid of him.

We can't have confrontations. He leaves. he hangs up the telephone, he closes MSN. He walks out the door. He disappears.

I ask him for what I need and THAT becomes the thing he makes sure I don't get. If I persist in explaining why I need something or ask for negotiation, he shuts it down by any of the above and leaves.

The reason I stop? He leaves.

How do I get around this? I don't actually know how to. He leaves then comes back much later and he either finds a way to "leave" some more or he pretends nothing happened.

indiegirl, I see what you are saying. i am cashed out.

i am having a hard time doing anything. i think about that baby and my heart has gone out of me. do i confront him on this child?

You leave first via Plan B this time. Do something different. counter his control via silent abuse by sending him the love letter and exposing there that you know about OC and his lies are way too devastating to continue with his "normalizing" gaslighting behavior for you to live with.

Get up to speed on Plan B. since you don't have children, it should be a cake-walk for you to expel him from your home, change the locks, and have an intermediary handle communications, including his desire to recover the marriage and willing to comply with YOUR conditions instead of playing the opposite game he's been playing.

This is not love. This is abuse. End that access to you.

It's really ok with me not to have contact with him. I will send the love letter.

Kayla I don't think he will care that I am gone. He probably won't come looking for me. He told me earlier to stay away from him. I never dreamed he would be treating me this way.

OK, Ellie but it takes time to prepare for a proper Plan B. DONT make the comon mistake of assuming 'he doenst care' and 'he wont break my plan'. Yes indeed he WILL, not out of love but out of control. Make sure your plan is watertight and follow the instructions for preparation in the link in my sig.

You must Plan A right up until you Plan B. This includes exposure. Remind me, what do you know for a fact about his As for exposure?

You know at least that he has been in continuing contact with his mistress and paying her child support for a baby you knew nothing about, right? What else do you know?

Hi Ellie,
I just wanted to say I know how you feel ((Hugs)). My H also has bad boundaries with female friends. I haven't fully read through your post, but my H says the same things to me re: other girls. He sees it as no big deal and then turns it around on me, like I am the weird one. It is very frustrating and it makes me question my sanity. Anyway, I have an appointment with Steve Harley tomorrow. If you want, I will let you know what his advice is to me regarding brining up the topic of opposite sex friends. (we have so much to cover, I don't know if we will get to this...) Again, hugs to you.

How's it going Ellie?