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Again, I want to thank all of you for being such a great support for me in this extremely difficult time! It means so much to me!!! It's a lot easier to advise people who act. You have a lot to do with where you are. I just hope that you continue on that path. You will not only survive your WH's affair(s), you will THRIVE. Give yourself a pat on the back as well. It is well deserved.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Spoke with my FIL tonight... We had a good talk. He just hasn't known what to say to me and thinks its good that his son and I are doing our best to focus on ourselves right now. I told him that I want our marriage to work and I can forgive (eventually), but I need the truth. I think he still believes that his son wouldn't have taken a polygraph unless he was telling the truth. I explained to him the process and what exactly happened, how his son passed the test questions and then failed the real questions and his scoring. I then explained to him that his son admitted to me that he has issues with lying and was hoping that the counselor could pull more out of him.
I also reassured him that if I happen to pull away a little in the very near future, that it didn't mean I wanted to end the marriage, but I needed to do what is best for me right now in my healing and becoming a stronger, better person. He mentioned that he understood and was concerned about our communication during this time (if it came to that)... I told him that I believed communication would be important regarding financial things,etc. and poosibly a mediator (unbiased) could help us with this, if needed. He agreed 100%, so this is a good thing! I told him that I have things I need to focus on for myself and his son has things he needs to work on too. I also told him that I hoped it could bring us closer again in the near future and believe that we could have an even stronger, more loving and fulfilling life long marriage.
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Whilest I'm here...
(((Starfish))))
You are doing great!
Scotty, Pep and Indie are the best at Plan B support as well as many, many others here, and you are in great hands.
Sending a note of strength your way tonight, my friend.
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Whilest I'm here...
(((Starfish))))
You are doing great!
Scotty, Pep and Indie are the best at Plan B support as well as many, many others here, and you are in great hands.
Sending a note of strength your way tonight, my friend. Thank you so much!!!
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Working on my Plan B love letter tonight!
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Wow I thought FIL was a supporter of yours? Nice.
Starfish, it may well take time to come clean, but he can decide to do it tomorrow. He knows it, too. The only thing stopping him is motivation.
Right now he knows that if he can get you to 'just trust' he can continue getting massive dopamine hits from random women, over and above the hits he gets from you.
The addiction to the dopamine highs - more addictive than crack cocaine - is what motivates him right now. He knows full well he wouldn't get the same highs from silly skanks, unless he has you to
cheat on..
It is quite serious that he took the poly to purposefully lie. That's wayward even for a wayward. He will prob have to hit bottom hard to rid himself of addiction.
While his needing help is prob true, you can't stick around to do it because a)you create half the dope he is addicted to and b)you'd have a nervous breakdown.
Without you meeting needs, his A highs are inadequate and get lower and lower until he becomes miserable. He will hit rock bottom. This is the point where waywards reconsider whether their addiction is worth it. Some see this as motivation to change, some don't.
Meantime you will have gone 'cold turkey' yourself by not contacting him which will make a divorce hurt less, if one is meant to be. Indiegirl: I sent one of the mods a message, so hoping to get the ball rolling! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! I believe I didn't respond to the correct post of yours, but it's regarding IM request.... Thank you!!!
Last edited by starfish75; 03/27/12 09:58 PM.
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Finished my love letter for Plan B and now working in the addendum/conditions. Does anybody here have examples? Or, knowing my situation, things that I should add?
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Per the advice of my psychologist, I'm going to go to WH's individual counseling session with him. I was thinking that I would ask to speak with her alone first, as not to love bust. My psychologist is wanting me to lay down the dynamics of what is going on so he cannot BS her. Any advice on what to say to her?
I will be changing the locks on the house and I have my Plan B love letter finished. Still have some work to do, but off to a good start!!!
Last edited by starfish75; 03/27/12 11:05 PM.
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Per the advice of my psychologist, I'm going to go to WH's individual counseling session with him. I was thinking that I would ask to speak with her alone first, as not to love bust. My psychologist is wanting me to lay down the dynamics of what is going on so he cannot BS her. Any advice on what to say to her?
I will be changing the locks on the house and I have my Plan B love letter finished. Still have some work to do, but off to a good start!!! Correction: I'm only going to attend his first session, which is this evening.
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My psychologist is wanting me to lay down the dynamics of what is going on so he cannot BS her. Any advice on what to say to her? This is a great idea. Let her know that he doesn't really need counseling because analyzing childhood traumas will only justify his continued deceit and drag things out longer...he just needs to decide to become honest. Ask the counselor what her plan will be.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.
Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Should I call my FIL back? What should I say to him? Ill defer to the vets but I wouldn't bother trying to garner his support or anything. You asked him to support you. Its up to him what he does after that. Call him to be civil if you want, but don't put yourself out. When my very loving and supportive FIL went about town telling everyone WH 'wasn't really' in an A after exposure, I just let the matter drop without a word. Yes, I think I'm almost ready for Plan B. He is at a bar again tonight... I'm sure he is eating too, but I know drinks are involved. Indie: I emailed one of the mods yesterday, but haven't heard back yet. The end bit of Plan A, where you begin to flag and they are still flaunting their bad habits in your face, is so hard I know. If you still need an intermediary, I'd be happy to help out as an email IM. If you want to, just ask the mods for my email addy.
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[
Correction: I'm only going to attend his first session, which is this evening. What is your plan if the psychologist validates your husband that you should just "have faith" in him and believe him? Then your H will be less likely to ever tell you the truth. And he will be less likely to ever comply with your conditions in Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You should have my email adddy soon Starfish.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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[
Correction: I'm only going to attend his first session, which is this evening. What is your plan if the psychologist validates your husband that you should just "have faith" in him and believe him? Then your H will be less likely to ever tell you the truth. And he will be less likely to ever comply with your conditions in Plan B. I don't think she will. My Sister's friend saw him and said she can see through all the BS! I actually spoke with her on the day is received his poly results. I'm thinking about calling her again before his appt and asking her if I can speak with her alone first. I will be firm about what I'm needing and ask her what her plan is. I'll let you all know what she says and how I feel about it.
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Recent text:
I'm not saying there may not be smaller things a counselor may pry out of me over time stuck deep inside, but there is nothing as big as the bomb I have already dropped on you. I promise u that WS.. I'll let you know as soon as I book my appointment� From what I can tell the whole point in him wanting to go to the counselor is to (a)continue avoiding telling you the whole truth, (b) avoid taking responsibility for lying (per the "counselor may pry out something stuck deep inside" comment) and (c) distract you with childhood/past issues. IC is a wayward's dream come true as it is a distraction from making changes and taking responsibility. If he does somehow decide to get honest with you and pass a poly, I would even tell you to make part of your conditions for R that there is no IC. I think you need to keep hammering him with the point that you are not going along with these games, that you know he is not being truthful and that this is going no where until he gets honest. This isn't about him needing counseling. This is about him making a decision to become radically honest By going, you are giving him mixed messages IMHO.
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My psychologist is wanting me to lay down the dynamics of what is going on so he cannot BS her. Any advice on what to say to her? Can't you just tell her over the phone?
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My psychologist is wanting me to lay down the dynamics of what is going on so he cannot BS her. Any advice on what to say to her? Can't you just tell her over the phone? Yes, I just called and left her a message. What do you think I should say to her exactly?
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You should have my email adddy soon Starfish. Got it and sent you a message! 
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I don't think she will. My Sister's friend saw him and said she can see through all the BS! People don't understand just how deceitful and manipulative waywards can be, including counselors and psychologists. My older sister even was falling for the "I need help to fix myself" baloney that my STBX was spewing when he was posting here. You may want to read his thread so that you can see for yourself how waywards use this tactic...as it looks like your WH is going down the same path...
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