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WS,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped to make your affairs possible. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for the both of us that meet your needs.
But, I cannot do that until you are completely honest with me about your past. Until then, I will avoid seeing or talking to you. My friend (), has agreed to act as an intermediary and will forward any pertinent information about finances, the dogs or the house. I expect that you will continue to pay the bills as usual.
Your affairs and your continued dishonesty have caused me enormous suffering and I cannot stay in contact with you under theses conditions. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your dishonesty, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are not telling me the truth. I still love you, but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never again be a reason for us to separate.
More than anything, I want to make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I want to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And, I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you while you as long as you are being dishonest. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together. You were my soulmate.
When you find yourself willing to truly and fully commit to our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.
With my love,
BW
*This is what I have so far... Might need a few adjustments, but I like it so far! I cut out 2 paragraphs because the letter is too long and you were really saying the same thing. If there is too much sentimentality he gets the impression that his crimes have not been that serious. There needs to be a balance between the love you are expressing and the harder stuff.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WS,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped to make your affairs possible. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for the both of us that meet your needs.
But, I cannot do that until you are completely honest with me about your past. Until then, I will avoid seeing or talking to you. My friend (), has agreed to act as an intermediary and will forward any pertinent information about finances, the dogs or the house. I expect that you will continue to pay the bills as usual.
Your affairs and your continued dishonesty have caused me enormous suffering and I cannot stay in contact with you under theses conditions. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your dishonesty, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are not telling me the truth. I still love you, but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never again be a reason for us to separate.
More than anything, I want to make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I want to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And, I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you while you as long as you are being dishonest. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together. You were my soulmate.
When you find yourself willing to truly and fully commit to our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.
With my love,
BW
*This is what I have so far... Might need a few adjustments, but I like it so far! I cut out 2 paragraphs because the letter is too long and you were really saying the same thing. If there is too much sentimentality he gets the impression that his crimes have not been that serious. There needs to be a balance between the love you are expressing and the harder stuff. Thank you ML! What do you think about my addendum? Anything I should add? What about stating him not being allowed to see the dogs? Also, what order should I do everything?
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starfish, the addendum is for complicated issues that involve child visitation, not for a detailed list of EPs. EPs comes later when you are discussing reconciliation. You want to leave him with the most pleasant of thoughts when you go dark, so only use the Plan B letter.
I would not even mention the dogs. If he brings up the dogs to the IM, maybe some day you can take the dogs to his parents for the weekend and he can see them there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didnt even use an addendum as we dont have children. The main body of the letter addressed my main condition (NC) just as yours addresses your main condition (lies) and I mentioned the IMs address in the main letter too.
My IM can deal with full EPs, or I will, once he agrees to NC (and assuming I'm still interested).
If I was to do it again, though, I'd put a bit more about finances in the addendum. I.e.: 'Pay x amount in mortgage account each month' etc. My IM handled these arrangements just fine, but using an IM cuts down on the interactions. You want to use the IM as little as possible, because even those indirect contacts trigger you a little.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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starfish, the addendum is for complicated issues that involve child visitation, not for a detailed list of EPs. EPs comes later when you are discussing reconciliation. You want to leave him with the most pleasant of thoughts when you go dark, so only use the Plan B letter.
I would not even mention the dogs. If he brings up the dogs to the IM, maybe some day you can take the dogs to his parents for the weekend and he can see them there. So, PlanB letter only and no addendum?
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[
So, PlanB letter only and no addendum? Yep!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So, PlanB letter only and no addendum? Yep! What is EP?
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Extraordinary precautions. Those are the things that were on your list of conditions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didnt even use an addendum as we dont have children. The main body of the letter addressed my main condition (NC) just as yours addresses your main condition (lies) and I mentioned the IMs address in the main letter too.
My IM can deal with full EPs, or I will, once he agrees to NC (and assuming I'm still interested).
If I was to do it again, though, I'd put a bit more about finances in the addendum. I.e.: 'Pay x amount in mortgage account each month' etc. My IM handled these arrangements just fine, but using an IM cuts down on the interactions. You want to use the IM as little as possible, because even those indirect contacts trigger you a little. Indie, Did you receive my email?
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WS,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped to make your affairs possible. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for the both of us that meet your needs.
But, I cannot do that until you are completely honest with me about your past. Until then, I will avoid seeing or talking to you. My friend (), has agreed to act as an intermediary and will forward any pertinent information about finances, the dogs or the house. I expect that you will continue to pay the bills as usual.
Your affairs and your continued dishonesty have caused me enormous suffering and I cannot stay in contact with you under theses conditions. ThUis is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your dishonesty, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are not telling me the truth. I still love you, but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never again be a reason for us to separate.
More than anything, I want to make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I want to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And, I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you while you as long as you are being dishonest. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together. You were my soulmate.
When you find yourself willing to truly and fully commit to our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.
With my love,
BW
*This is what I have so far... Might need a few adjustments, but I like it so far! I cut out 2 paragraphs because the letter is too long and you were really saying the same thing. If there is too much sentimentality he gets the impression that his crimes have not been that serious. There needs to be a balance between the love you are expressing and the harder stuff. Thank you ML! What do you think about my addendum? Anything I should add? What about stating him not being allowed to see the dogs? Also, what order should I do everything? Should I also take out the part about him passing a polygraph in my plan B letter?
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Should I also take out the part about him passing a polygraph in my plan B letter? No, I would leave that in there. That is a KEY condition with him so he needs to read that word every time he reads that letter, IMO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should I also take out the part about him passing a polygraph in my plan B letter? No, I would leave that in there. That is a KEY condition with him so he needs to read that word every time he reads that letter, IMO. Ok, thank you! So, once I amend the letter. I need to change the locks, pack up his personal belongings and notify him of the IM (Indiegirl)... Hope she is still interested. I sent her an email, but haven't heard back from her. Anything I'm leaving out? What order should I do it? Locks first obviously..
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Tonight will be our last MC appt. WH is coming by before the appt. to see the dogs (and me I assume) and then we will drive separately to our MC appt. My psychologist said to make it a wrap-up session and only discuss the poly results and that he is still lying and where do we go from here?
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Do not warn him that you are planning on going to a Plan B.
Keep mum on that.
If you go to Plan B..........you simply do it. No discussion or information until the Plan B letter is given and it explains it for you.
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Tonight will be our last MC appt. WH is coming by before the appt. to see the dogs (and me I assume) and then we will drive separately to our MC appt. My psychologist said to make it a wrap-up session and only discuss the poly results and that he is still lying and where do we go from here? I have no doubt that your husband will try and "negotiate" anything other than coming clean and passing a polygraph. ["have faith in me!!" "I am one of the 5%!"] That would be futile to sit there for an hour listening to more fogbabble, which is more likely to cause you to EXPLODE just before you go into Plan B. And you want to leave the best taste possible before you go into plan B. A session of fogbabble and angry outbursts would be a terrible way to end Plan A! If he starts in with the fogbabble, I would politely state your conditions again, stand up, hand him the letter and then leave and go home. There is no reason for you to stay if he does that. You can't reason with a falling down drunk. If you leave, the counselor can spend that time expressing to him that he will lose you if he doesn't come clean.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does the MC know you are going into Plan B? Is this MC going to validate HIM or will she validate the marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Tonight will be our last MC appt. WH is coming by before the appt. to see the dogs (and me I assume) and then we will drive separately to our MC appt. My psychologist said to make it a wrap-up session and only discuss the poly results and that he is still lying and where do we go from here? I have no doubt that your husband will try and "negotiate" anything other than coming clean and passing a polygraph. ["have faith in me!!" "I am one of the 5%!"] That would be futile to sit there for an hour listening to more fogbabble, which is more likely to cause you to EXPLODE just before you go into Plan B. And you want to leave the best taste possible before you go into plan B. A session of fogbabble and angry outbursts would be a terrible way to end Plan A! If he starts in with the fogbabble, I would politely state your conditions again, stand up, hand him the letter and then leave and go home. There is no reason for you to stay if he does that. You can't reason with a falling down drunk. If you leave, the counselor can spend that time expressing to him that he will lose you if he doesn't come clean. I can't hand him the letter tonight, because it's not finished and I don't have Indigirls's name to include in my letter as our IM. I'm not sure what to do about that... I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I can find another IM here? I really want to get Plan B rolling, but I need an IM. Also, I do not have the locks changed yet.
Last edited by starfish75; 03/29/12 12:11 PM.
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Does the MC know you are going into Plan B? Is this MC going to validate HIM or will she validate the marriage? No, MC has no idea about Plan B.
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I would not tell MC about Plan B.
I would not go into it until you have everything in order.
If you go to MC, and I don't think I would myself in the situation.....be cool headed and listen to everything said but do not lovebust nor add any blah,blah,blah to the stew.
Listen and simply tell WH if asked for input, in counselor's presence "I love you, you know that. I need a completely honest and open, monogamous marriage."
If he says he is being honest respond "The polygraph does not back you up on that."
Really nothing else no matter what he or MC bring up.
I, in essence don't think it is realistic that you can remain calm and not add fuel the messy situation going BUT if you go prepare yourself to be above it all.
My recommendations as someone following your thread are
1. Don't go to Plan B until completely prepared
2. Don't go to the MC appointment....yet if you do.......be there as a passively resistent person who adds no fuel to the fire. Preferably, do not attend.
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I would not tell MC about Plan B.
I would not go into it until you have everything in order.
If you go to MC, and I don't think I would myself in the situation.....be cool headed and listen to everything said but do not lovebust nor add any blah,blah,blah to the stew.
Listen and simply tell WH if asked for input, in counselor's presence "I love you, you know that. I need a completely honest and open, monogamous marriage."
If he says he is being honest respond "The polygraph does not back you up on that."
Really nothing else no matter what he or MC bring up.
I, in essence don't think it is realistic that you can remain calm and not add fuel the messy situation going BUT if you go prepare yourself to be above it all.
My recommendations as someone following your thread are
1. Don't go to Plan B until completely prepared
2. Don't go to the MC appointment....yet if you do.......be there as a passively resistent person who adds no fuel to the fire. Preferably, do not attend. I am going to go, but it's only because I want to show her the polygraph results and that I cannot go anywhere from here without complete honesty. I will do my best to remain calm, take deep breaths and not love bust. I will not discuss Plan B. WH will find out when I give him the letter. I still need to change the locks, pack his personal belongings and confirm an IM. I'm stuck right now...
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