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Joined: Mar 2012
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Hi everyone,
I'm not sure if I am posting in the right forum. I found out in mid January that my husband was having an affair. His affair was with a co worker who was friends with for years. He has been working out of town for about 3 years, traveling M-F and only home on the weekends. This was tough on our marriage. We were so distant and completely lost any kind of connection. As him and I grew further apart, they got closer. His affair turned physical in mid October and lasted until I found out.
When I confronted him, he immediately confessed. I thought he was in love with her and told him I would give a divorce if that's what he wanted. He said no. I asked every question I had and he answered them. He went NC that day and hasn't had contact since. He gave me all passwords and took the lock off his phone. I truly believe his affair is over. I still check up on him, but so far everything has checked out.
So here we are 2 months out. He has changed in a lot of ways. He's been putting me first in all of his decisions, he's been loving and reassuring. He makes sure to check in all the time while he travels. We skype and talk all night most nights when he's gone. He's still transparent. He has blocked the others womans email and phone calls. She has tried to reach out to him through text a few times and each time he has called me to let me know and he didn't respond. I think she has finally gotten that its over.
We aren't in MC or IC as we don't have insurance and we can't afford it. I'm not sure what else we should be doing to recover. We don't talk about the affair much because I really have nothing more to say about it. He answered every question I had the month following discovery. We know why he was vulnerable to an affair and why he had one.
Is there anything else we should be doing? Do we need to keep talking about it? I just don't know what else to do to heal our marriage. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 594
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Short answer, get the books "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs"' and "Love Busters" by Dr. Willard Harley, the creator of this site. In them you will find how to protect your marriage from this happening again, how to do the things to restore the love you had, and how to avoid the things that drain the love away.
You will find much of the information in the articles on this site as well. For free.
First read up on things like extraordinary precautions, undivided attention, and the other concepts.
I will tell you right now, a problem is the travel and the amount of time spent apart. Dr. H actually says there should be none. As in zero.
You are in the right place.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
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Thank you mmmherb,
I will get those books for sure. As far as travel, he has been applying for a new job for a while. So far no luck. We know that his traveling and the distance is not helping. So until he lands a job at home we have been making time for each other while he's gone. We talk all night long, email, text and skype. I guess for now its the best we can do. He also started to stay on Sunday nights and leaving early Monday morning.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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He makes sure to check in all the time while he travels. This is the reason he had the affair. Because he has a traveling job. As long as you are not together every day meeting each others emotional needs, it will be impossible to recover your marriage. In order to prevent repeat affairs you must remove the conditions that LED TO the affair. The traveling job is the #1 condition that led to the affair. Traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs and there will be more unless you change this. Divorce and adultery are epidemic in marriages where there are traveling jobs. We skype and talk all night most nights when he's gone. He's still transparent. He has blocked the others womans email and phone calls. She has tried to reach out to him through text a few times and each time he has called me to let me know and he didn't respond. I think she has finally gotten that its over. The fact that they are still in contact is very dangerous. She should not be able to get through if he has affair proofed himself. The fact that he "tells you" completely misses the point. If an alcoholic has a drink and tells you about it does it mean he is any less drunk? No it does not. Every time she gets through means he is triggered again. And he isn't going to tell you when he does take that call. Is the OW married? If so, have you told her husband? Has the affair been exposed to your families and your children? Here is what it takes to recover a marriage, hope, and keep in mind that most don't make it because they refuse to change their lives to prevent future affairs. I see the same tragic mistakes being made here: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. \
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2012
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Thank you melody,
I gues I wasn't quite clear in my orginal post. She did attempt contact a few times right after my husband broke things off. He told me about it and I have verified via phone records that he did not respond. Since then he has blocked her phone number so she can no longer get through to him if she tries. The OW is not married. We did expose the affair to our families but not our children. They are entirely too young.
I know the traveling is a HUGE issue. Right now there is nothing we can do except continue to look for work closer to home which he is doing. He's had a few interviews but no job offers yet. So right now we are doing the best we can given our situation. I preying that soon he will have a job offer that brings him home. I know that if he has to travel for the rest of our lives our marriage will not work.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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That is great, hope! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I hope you can get him home very soon! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Are you able to travel with your husband until he gets another job? That is what some couples have done. Even those with young children. It was preferable to being apart.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2012
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The kids and I will be staying with him next week since they will be out for spring break. My son in 9 and daughter is 4. School will be out for summer at the end of May so we will be able to spend quite a bit of time with him over the summer (:
This is something we didn't do prior to his affair. We just didn't try to stay connected as a couple. I never went to visit him and we really never talked. I'm hoping these changes will make his traveling easier on our marriage until we can finally bring him home! I'm ready to have my husband back (:
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Joined: Apr 2001
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The kids and I will be staying with him next week since they will be out for spring break. My son in 9 and daughter is 4. School will be out for summer at the end of May so we will be able to spend quite a bit of time with him over the summer (: Better yet, can you drop them off at grandma's and go alone with him? They would be much better off with a grandparent while their parents got some some much needed undivided attention time. Your marriage is the most important thing right now and I would strongly advise you use any available free time for your marriage instead of kid time right now. Your kids need their parents to have a strong marriage more than they need to be with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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See, it is going to take 20+ hours of undivided attention to restore the romantic love in your marriage. That needs to come FIRST before kid time. And if you don't have that time for your marriage, then kids need to be put on the back burner for now.
Right now is a critical time in your marriage because it is so easy to fall back into bad habits. If you don't build the love in your marriage now, it will be easy to fall back into a state of neglect and detachment. I would look for EVERY OPPORTUNITY to get together with him ALONE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2012
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Unfortunately, that's not an option. Both grandparents work. We do have the kids go to his parents house every other weekend and we have a date night. We just did one last weekend (:
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Unfortunately, that's not an option. Both grandparents work. We do have the kids go to his parents house every other weekend and we have a date night. We just did one last weekend (: Do you have friends or a sitter you could hire to come stay with them?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We've never left the kids with anyone but our parents and my sister. My sister moved out of state a few months ago.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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We've never left the kids with anyone but our parents and my sister. My sister moved out of state a few months ago. What about hiring a sitter? What about interviewing LOTS of sitters so you have a good list of prospects? You are going to need to be getting out ALOT in order to get your 20+ hours of undivided attention time anyway. That means 4 nights of 4 hour blocks, meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs of converstation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Check this out The Policy of Undivided Attention Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2012
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Thank you Melody,
We will have to start looking for a sitter! And thank you for the articles. I will read them right now.
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