I'm gonna give up on that aspect. It's better now. She finally gets it. She wants me to heal. I may never understand why, but if she really wants to save the marriage and meet my needs and she does I guess it doesn't matter why.

I'm finally here at the point where I have to leave and I have to say I am scared to death of what's going to happen over the next few months. I don't think I've ever been so emotional in my life. The worst part is, I have to tend to all the guys/gals problems that are going with me and I just keep thinking to myself " I sure would like to be able to fix my problems too.". It's hard to stay positive. My WW is actually really stepping up. Saying and doing all the right things. I'm just so scared of her feeling lonely while I'm gone and falling off the wagon. But there is really nothing I can do now but just hang on for the ride and hope she stays strong. Sometimes life just really sucks.

Good luck. Do lots of skype time as possible and lots of email to stay in her mind. How long are you gone for? Three months?

IP,

I think your FWW will be ok on her own, previously she was in a state of dishonesty which made telling another lie just that much easier. I think your making her take the lie detector forced her to understand that there are costs to her choices.

If she can't pass this test she is not the wife you want to be with when you are 50. It's better if she falls off the wagon now than when she is 45.

Thanks for serving and watch out for yourself.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks brother

I just had a realization that I never exposed OM1. There hasn't been any contact in at least 1.5years, but I'm worried that if I do a massive Facebook exposure to his friends that he'll try and initiate contact after I leave. A no contact letter was sent to him a few months back. It's kind of a small town and I don't want to shame my wife any further by bringing up the affair publicly again right before I leave.
I just know that when I confronted OM2 that he called her new job where she was at to see if she knew I showed up at his house. Which she called me right after he called.

What do I do?

IP,

Just wait until you return, you have too much to worry about for the time being with deployment, put OM1 on ice. You will expose him when you get back. Think of it as next years deer season.

Gather the data you need now while you have access however.

Is OM1 married?

God Bless
Gamma

No he is not married and I really didn't know a whole lot until polygraph. That's the reason I didn't do a massive facebook exposure. I think you're right though.

This really sucks being away. I can feel the resentment building back up and I feel empty inside again. The thing is, she isn't doing anything wrong, we are just physically separated. I hate to make her worry, but this does not feel good.

So sorry my friend. I understand how difficult the deployments are. I don't wish them on anyone.

Have you told your W how you're feeling? What does she say?

Yes, she just rise to be reassuring and positive. It helps, but I just can't help these feelings.

So, I don't know if she has been reading up, but she has said all the right things. Like.....I only did it cause I did nt want the attention to stop. I wasnt interested in the sex, it was all om pushing, i just didnt want attention to stop. Can I believe this? WW's out there, is this true?

IP,

I wasnt interested in the sex

Did she say she never reached orgasm with the OMs?

I think that is the dividing line.

God Bless
Gamma

As a FWW, I always say it does not matter what I felt then. What matters is what I feel and who I choose to be now. I think that is difficult for a BS to accept.

I read your post a long time ago. I thought I would but in my 2 cents.

It makes me sad when a W does not seem to get the benefits of SF. For me SF creates energy. In my experience it requires a lot more energy on the guys side. I read somewhere that some believe SF takes energy from the H and gives it to the W.

I think it can be difficult to get a W engaged so that SF is interactive. Even if the H is doing everything right in taking care of his W, if she is not actively responding and playing in the event, she will not get the energy rush. I think an A forces the WW to be engaged or the OM would not be willing to risk taking it physical. You will not find many FWW admitting to wanting to have the sex but I would bet most of them were playing their part in the event.

IMHO, if SF is a top EN for H, he needs to find ways to pull the W into the game of SF. Your W does not seem to have a natural comfort with SF; you will have to help her find the energy boost.

You must have a lot of time to think while you are deployed. There must be some aspects of SF that your wife really enjoyed in the past. Bring those memories up to her and hope that she too will anticipate them when you return. Bring back the memories of the good SF moments you had together and make new ones (every day) when you get home. Get that kid to bed early.

If she is tired let her lay there and talk while you explore your woman, the one who has chosen you over the OM. I think you can meet her needs for intimate conversation and affection while slowly slipping into full SF. Let her do most of the talking and you just give gentle positive responses. Eventually you will figure out what you do that gets her to stop talking and get involved. It is all just a matter of time. Take time to enjoy her every day. Over time she will appreciate and crave the attention from you.

When do you get to go home? Spend some time creating anticipation.

This suggests she has an extremely high need for admiration.

As a BW of a WH soldier the time away from home never stopped. It seemed each time he was gone something tragic happened to our kids, our home, or to me ... it was lonely ... truly lonely when WH deployed (or had to be away for training). I can completely understand how she just wanted attention ... a soldier can and often compartmentalizes their family (especially in a war zone). We feel your distance ... we feel you pulling away ... we feel your emotionless system working.

It is difficult for a wife to remain strong and dedicated when our soldier husbands disconnect in order to survive on the battlefields.

When WH would get home I was angry because I wanted him to notice me ... to be thankful for the job I did as mother while he was away. I wanted him to be thankful for keeping the house in tact and keeping the family running.

I wanted WH to throw all his love and affection onto me because he missed me that much ... that never happened. The more he was gone with the military the more he checked himself out of the marriage. Even when he was CONUS ... the time away for military training was huge.

Each moment away destroyed my marriage one layer at a time.

I was extremely vulnerable to any man's attention. I can remember some colleagues flattering me once with how well I do as a single mom ... man my lovebank tank was a fillin' right up.

Your wife and family are extremely vulnerable to all attention given while you are away from home. There are so many dynamics to be a military wife and it gets lost on our soldiers while gone.

She needs extra admiration and extra affection ... your UA time has to be increased when you are home ... 25+ hours should be a minimum to compensate for the times you are away.

I can only thank you for the words do encouragement. She seems more repentful now more than ever. I can't even imagine leaving now, it would just seem so hurtful to her and my daughter that I couldnt choose myself over them. Is it wrong to stay and put them over yourself? I don't know, but I just couldn't take seeing my daughter respecting another man as her step father.

I think it is wrong to say you are staying for them. Make staying good for you too, do not be a martyr. Stay for yourself (and them) and make the most amazing life with your W. Want it and believe that you can have it. You have another 50+ years with your wife, make them good. Do not make the last two years the one's that define your M for the rest of your life.

IP,

Were you objecting to her rewriting of history?

I've gotten 3 or 5 versions myself.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

I don't think I am objecting, just wondering if that is true.

"As a FWW, I always say it does not matter what I felt then. What matters is what I feel and who I choose to be now. I think that is difficult for a BS to accept."

You choose to ignore that at one time you preferred your OM to your BH. Because a WW decides to now be with the BH that makes amends for what she did with the OM. I don't think so.

"I think an A forces the WW to be engaged or the OM would not be willing to risk taking it physical."

OM are on the hunt for SF. The WW may or may not want the SF all that much. The WW may or may have better SF with the OM. Though the WW will gladly trade SF to continue getting her missing needs met.

"You will not find many FWW admitting to wanting to have the sex but I would bet most of them were playing their part in the event."

What's to admit they did it with the OM. The WW rewrite history painting the BH as bad and the OM all that is good during the affair. It is hard to separate the truth from the justification.

Just because the PA is over the BH is suppose to take the WW's word that WW didn't want SF with the OM, that SF was better with BH just because the WW say's so?

That a WW did everything with the OM, things she would never do with the BH before and still wants to deny the BH and the BH is suppose to be ok?