Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Many years ago I spent about 4 months is a hospital with broken bone and a head injury due to a car accident. I went on to recover, get married, and have a DD that is now married. Recently my Dr. put me on an antidepressant (in the past I have had to stay away from anti depressant due to suicidal thoughts). This past week it lifted the fog that I had lived in most of my life. The good is I feel great the bad it brought back all the memories of the past back like it was yesterday. In the first few years of my marriage my W gained a huge amount of weight. She began to lose the weight and I could not figure out why. Later she told me she had taken diet pills. Several months later she became pregnant. She done both things without me knowing(she quit taking her pill). When I found out I began to drink. About 2 years after DD was born I had an A that I was able to end without my W knowing. Before our DD was 6 W began to talk about how nice a man she worked with was and why I could not be that way(I should have seen something then). One day whenever I came home from work W ask for D. I begged her to stay she agreed then about 2 weeks later an attorney called wanting to speak to her about a D. I knew she was going to leave so I hired an attorney. She gave me everything even our DD. I now see the man she worked with was grooming her for an A. 2 days after she left she told me she had slept with the man. At this point I told her about my A. She said she didn't care. 1 day before the D was to be final she wanted to work things out. I agreed to. I always told her anything she wanted to know about my A. I have never been able to get her to open up about her A. Recently she told me the OM was seeing someone besides her and dumped my W. This would have made a huge impact on my decision to let her come home. W has hormone problems now and can not take replacement pills due to blood clots so SF is not there. I took early retirement and am not happy. I am thinking about leaving because she will not discuss her A. Am I making the right decision or should I wait to see if the anti depressants begin to work better or forget about asking her questions? We have been married 34 years.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I have told her about my affair. I have been brutally honest in answering any questions, which have been very few. I have been sober for many years. I am positive that the other man is out of the picture. The OM has been remarried shortly after he dumped my W. I found him on face book and showed my wife. She said she had forgotten his last name which I find hard to believe. I have all passwords and can verify for sure there has been NC. She has told me that she felt used by him.
Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.
To help explain this policy, I have broken it down into four parts: 1. EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior. 2. HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. 3. CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse. 4. FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
Honesty is never intended to harm or to be 'brutal'.
Thanks Pepperband I meant radially honest. I didn't want to hurt her. I forgot to mention that she is in counseling due to work related issues. The counselor told her first session that she had to be radically with her if she was going to counsel her. I told my W that she should then tell her about our affairs and she did. My W then told me that the counselor told her if something had happened years ago and the marriage had survived that her advise would be to that was to take the secret to the grave. I told her her that was BS.
Gamma the affair was 17 to 20 years ago but you have to remember it is just become fresh in my mind. I wanted to speak with the OM but my W said he would sign charges against me if I contacted him. During her A I caught the OM at a red light and told him to stay away from my W.
My W then told me that the counselor told her if something had happened years ago and the marriage had survived that her advise would be to that was to take the secret to the grave. I told her her that was BS.
Isn't it interesting that the counselor believed that counseling could only be effective if it is based on honesty, but your marriage could survive based on DISHONESTY? Like I always say, marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. There is GOOD REASON why they have an 84% FAILURE RATE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I wanted to speak with the OM but my W said he would sign charges against me if I contacted him.
Ah, your WW who was lying to you, told you this, my Ws affair was 20+ years ago and she is still protective of him. I would get on the phone with this guy or contact his now wife.
Better yet hire a PI he is likely still up to his old tricks and bust him to his now wife.
Gamma that sounds like a plan to me. I have nothing but time now and know where OM lives and phone number. Mel whenever my W first ask for a D I contacted a counselor and had an appointment the next day. I took my W kicking and screaming to the counselor. He told her the first and only secession that if she wasn't happy to leave right in front of me. I could not agree more with you about counselors. I think that I am going to go to one of my W secession the counselor said it would be alright. I am going to call her out on radically honesty and secrets to find out if she knows what the words mean.
Isn't it interesting that the counselor believed that counseling could only be effective if it is based on honesty, but your marriage could survive based on DISHONESTY?
He told her the first and only secession that if she wasn't happy to leave right in front of me.
An admission that he has no idea how to create a happy marriage. He doesn't have the slightest idea. The solution to an unhappy marriage is to work to turn it around, not to LEAVE. If your house needs a repair, you don't just buy a new house, you fix the house!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Pepperband I could not agree more. I have told my W that if she has anything that she thinks I would like to know I can work through anything except finding something out from someone other than her. Gamma your post make me see that I am normal in wanting answers to certain question that I have not gotten even it was so long ago.
Pepperband I could not agree more. I have told my W that if she has anything that she thinks I would like to know I can work through anything except finding something out from someone other than her. Gamma your post make me see that I am normal in wanting answers to certain question that I have not gotten even it was so long ago.
Have you asked her for a poly?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
BrainHurts I mentioned that I would that on she said that she would take one also if that would shut me up. Pepperband I am going to show Dr. Harley video to my W but not just yet. I agree with Dr. Harley especially about the pain an A can cause. I mention that I was in an accident. I have had 7 major surgeries on my legs an artificial knee, pins, screws, wire, and a plate in both legs. The pain from the accident was nothing compared to the day my W ask for a D.
BrainHurts I mentioned that I would that on she said that she would take one also if that would shut me up. Pepperband I am going to show Dr. Harley video to my W but not just yet. I agree with Dr. Harley especially about the pain an A can cause. I mention that I was in an accident. I have had 7 major surgeries on my legs an artificial knee, pins, screws, wire, and a plate in both legs. The pain from the accident was nothing compared to the day my W ask for a D.
Awesome! So when you going to schedule the polys?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
As soon as I find one that is in the area I live in. I think there is one less than 5 miles from where I live. My W is off next Friday and she doesn't' know it yet but if I can get an appointment we are both going to take a polygraph test. I am going to get the phone book out right now and make an appointment without telling her.
Like I always say, marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. There is GOOD REASON why they have an 84% FAILURE RATE.