I agree... as painful as it is. Going to get my hair done now and then meeting him at the house, so he can mow the yard.

Indie: in Plan B, is the WH notified that if it is discovered he has had any other affairs during the separation, that there will be nothing left? I want to make sure he knows that this is not a separation from the marriage and he is not to act single.

Indie is sooo right on!

He is dangling that "lifestyle" in front of you as a method of manipulating you into accepting less than what you deserve.

He wants you to panic about him becoming a "player" -- so that you back down on the requirements.

If that is who he is, or wants to be -- you are better off pushing him that way quicker -- so you can be free of it.

Your Plan B letter tells him you want to recover the marriage someday.....

you can not control if he dates others in Plan B.

You will need to turn away from what he is doing and turn toward your own actions into the future.

You will need to release him.

I understand that I can't control him, but I'm not supposed to date in Plan B and no intentions of doing so. He could do things anyway and I guess if he does, then that is his decision and he will lose me forever. I just feel that the same principles should be applied to the both of us.

No. I know waywards act stupid, but they're not. It will be clear that your letter is insisting on marriage, and a faitful one to move forward. You dont need to spell it out for him.

You certainly dont have to spell out how worried his little threat has made you!

Star, you're not supposed to date UNTIL AND UNLESS you get a D. Dating while married is adultery, and we don't want you becoming a wayward spouse. Not because of HIM, because of the affects it has on YOU.

You can't control what your WH can and can not do in PLan B.

You don't need to tell him not to "date"(read continued adultery). That is HIS choice. HE chooses how to react to your PBL. If that means that he goes out and boinks some skankerella, that's on HIM.

You don't need to decide all of the situations that can arise from PBL. What you do is decide what it would take to allow him back into your inner circle. What he would need to do. What you will and won't accept.

I understand where you are going with this, SF...

He is wayward though. Even if you threaten him with that, I doubt it would make a difference. He would just make sure to hide it very well.

Yes, I understand and was mentioning it. I have no desire to betray my vows. I have high values and morals. I only have control of myself right now.

Atta girl. There will be days when that's all you'll have but its plenty. Its so important. Those who cling to it survive, while waywards just spiral until they hit the rocks. You have shown that you're strong enough. Being sickened about what he may do in Plan B is so normal, but you have to let go. Told you it would be tough.

Had my IC session this morning and took her advice on having a conversation with WH. I was very calm and collected, spoke very sweet. I told him that I know he is not the greatest communicator. I asked if he knew why he felt he couldn't share with me about particular stressful situations. Re: Infertility, he said that he was very hurt by it too and knew that I was already in so much pain, so he didn't want to add to my pain and he just kept his feelings bottled up inside.

I then asked him, "Why are you feeling that you have to lie to me? Is it because of the pain, shame and guilt you are feeling? Are you fearful that I'm going to run and never want you again if you tell me more?"
This is where he began to break down in tears! He did agree that he was scared of losing me if I knew more and admitted that there was more of an emotional attachment with OW#1 than he let on before. He is still insisting that he didn't have any sexual contact with her and told me everything about OW#2.
He said that he was going to start over and write down everything again, everything that he could think of that he hadn't told me before and said I DID deserve the truth. We will see... I did tell him again that I needed him to be honest and pour everything out and he would feel so much better for doing so. I told him that it feels so good to tell the truth and once he starts making it a habit, it would be so easy.

He invited me on the boat tomorrow (one last cruise before it sells on Sunday). At first, I declined, but then talked to my mom and she thought it would be good if I went, so his last happy memory on the boat would be with me. I agreed and called him back and he was very happy that I decided to go.

On a funny note... He mowed the yard and took a quick rinse while he was here. He said he missed all of the nice smelling soaps, etc. in our shower. He picked up a bottle of his scented soap to take with him and his special shampoo, etc. for his receding hairline...lol! I asked him if he had plans to start growing some more hair while he was away. He said, "Well, I bought it, I might as well use it.". I said, "Well, you haven't used it in the past two weeks, but who knows, maybe someday you'll come back as a BRAND NEW MAN!". He said, "I sure hope so WS!". lol.... Sorry, I couldn't help myself!!!!

Just be aware that 'I don't want to worry you' is the liars motto, and most disturbingly it rests on two lies that the liar tells to himself first. I lost count of the number of times my WH used this one so he could make independent decisions without consulting me first. The two lies the motto rests on are:

1) My spouse is not mature enough/intelligient enough to handle the truth.
2)I will pretend the secrecy is to protect her even tho its really to give me the freedom to do what I want.


The tears are genuine. He is addicted to having BOTH you and the other connections with women. He is weeping for the end of the glory days because he can't see it continuing 'if you knew more'. I know this sounds sick, but its a true addiction and it often makes the addict very miserable and unhappy because they want the impossible.

The rest of your post is a sterling Plan A as per usual. Your mother is clearly a war general herself! Very wise lady.

This is tremendous Plan Aing IF you can withstand the trigger of the boat. I think you're super strong and can pull that off, but just be aware that you will be triggered and in a slightly weaker mood during it.

Art of War says 'when weak appear strong' so do your best acting job. Also don't allow any relationship talk as you won't be on the soundest ground for that. Prepare a script before you go, and stick to it. Fluffy stuff. ENs, flirting, etc

Thank you Indie!

Not a good boat day... A nice dinner instead.

Ok, getting a little emotional at dinner... God, I miss him so much!!!! He's not home right now and I want to be with him so bad.... This is sooooo hard!!!! I wish I could ask him to come home with me tonight.... Is it ok? I'm feeling so vulnerable right now and need him!

'When weak appear strong'

'When strong appear weak'

Unfortunately plan A is no time to indulge your vulnerabilities.

If you for some reason needed him at home for your plans, great - but you don't.

If you want and desire him, then you need to guard your lovebank better. You are allowing him in to far.

Stay neutral, get back to that zen place where you're working him, not the other way around.

Smile and say goodnight if your feelings are overtaking you.

Ok, I'm trying really hard.....

And doing VERY WELL

I'm feeling that I'm very vulnerable right now and we could both meet a S EM tonight. He told me that he wrote some more truths for me tonight...and is planning on emailing it to me tonight or tomorrow.