I was happy to find that I could listen to Marriage Builders radio. I paid attention to the joint agreement (to do only what both partners can enthusiastically agree to do) and to the concept of independent behavior (and avoiding it). I'd like to say that I tend toward independent behavior naturally (first problem), and that I was further encouraged to "do my own thing" by my interpretation of Al-Anon's teachings --- that I could not do anything about my husband's alcoholism, and that I should focus on myself and take care of myself. To some extent, this meant that I would pursue my own path, engage in my own pleasurable pasttimes, (not bad at all, I thought, if my husband is passed out and missing out), as long as I didn't violate my vows and most of my activities were entirely innocent. However, I see from Dr. Harley's talk that this is not a good approach. This worries me, though, as to my unique problem that my husbband is, in fact, an alcoholic. However, he is in recovery since January. Any comments would be welcome. Is the normal plan (Dr. Harley's) absolutely true for even a relationship with an addict in recovery? I'm going to do what Dr. Harley says, but it seems to contradict with my important lessons from AlAnon.

Welcome to marriage builders.

Here is a link to one of Dr.Harleys articles that touch base on this subject. I am not very well informed about how to deal with it .. but check out the article .. and read all you can here.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_abuse-l.html

Edit to add. There is a WEALTH of info in the navigation on the far left column in each area of the site. (basic concepts, articles, and Q&A)

Heres a few more for you to read when you get the chance.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html - Alcoholic spouse letter #1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048b_qa.html - Alcoholic spouse letter #2

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048c_qa.html - Alcoholic spouse letter #3

That lesson for Alanon makes sense if your spouse is still drunk/high because it is important for you to detach in order to protect yourself. Since your spouse has stopped drinking and is developing normal emotions [and he dries out] you should adopt the policy of joint agreement as Dr Harley subscribes.

Marriage Builders concepts, however, do not work with an ACTIVE addict. They would be very effective in your marriage now.

Thanks so much for your response, MrNiceGuy!

Thank you for the help, Melody. My husband has mood swings and has had one relapse, so it can be difficult to know what to expect. Last night was a good night; he talked to me a lot, and we laughed. Tonight was less so. All in all, however, the few changes I have made this week are already improving our relationship on some level.

TAmara, he can learn to control his moods by learning to avoid lovebusters. I would get the book Lovebusters and really focus on the lessons in there. The first 5 chapters especially. That will be a huge help to your husband as his emotions normalize and he learns adult behavior. Most alcoholics are very abusive and thoughtless to those around them so I think that will help him immensely!