When someone becomes wayward for the first time, does this change their internal �wiring� or did they have �faulty wiring� all along?

What I am trying to understand is the long-term success/failures of recovering marriages from those on this board with experience.

Take for example, someone who was raised in a good home with good values, has lived a good life, and was a faithful spouse for many years. They always seemed to basically make level headed decisions and never showed any signs of having the capacity to commit adultery. Then, they did the unthinkable and had both an EA and PA.

Clearly, somewhere along the way their morals were broken down (along with the obvious poor boundaries) from many factors which can degrade a marriage. Certainly, not one size fits but generally are people who had 1 affair more or less likely to have another? Does the affair just trip the faulty wiring that was there all along? Or was it good wiring gone bad which can be permanently fixed with the right precautions? ie MB�s?

The typical person has an affair because he has poor boundaries and exposes himself, unknowingly, to risks. Most don't go looking for an affair and often they are very against cheating. Because they have poor boundaries, someone will come along and do a really great job of meeting his needs. Usually it is conversation. And when one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.

When this happens, they suddenly find themselves intoxicated with some person. It would be like a kid discovering candy, they get carried away and have a very hard time controlling themselves.

So the problem is not one of morality and wiring, but one of BOUNDARIES and an ignorance of how affairs begin. Affairs begin with opposite sex friendships and look at how many people you know who have opposite sex friendships? And how many people do you know who say "I would never cheat!!" And then proceed to practice poor boundaries because they believe they are not vulnerable. They are the most vulnerable, of course.

What I desribe above is the typical affair we see on this board. There are others here who go looking for affairs and I place them in a different category.

The problem is fixed by correcting the sloppy boundaries and getting ALL their needs met in the marriage.

This is very encouraging. Thank you!

You are giving me hope that people really can change if the right steps are taken.


I have read threads here from serial cheaters that have reformed themselves. I often wonder if the 'fix' is something they constantly fight through life or if they are able to make these modifications and they become and instictual part of their being.

Certainly, MB's principles are for life and should be taken seriously forever. However, it is easy for all of us of us to slip back into old habits.

We BS's, of course, always will wonder if it could ever happen again in the future. Hence, the meat of my questions.

Not really. Its more like getting hit by a car when you play chicken. The trauma of getting hit by a car motivates me and my H to not slip back into old habits. Typically people who have been hit by a car don't have to be reminded to stay out of the road.

Dr Harley puts it like this in Requirements for Recovery:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

I would be interested to her from FW's who might reflect on their lives and explore this topic.

If you are reforming, what is the baisis for this?

If you are now looking at your A in the rear-view-mirror, do you look at the A and miss the 'high'? I have read much information concerning the biological aspects in the brain. Do you long for the 'high' again?

I know this is obscure to a degree. I have become somewhat a student for the last year on MB's and have never seen this topic explored.

Are some more vulerable than others (post affair and in recovery) even when good boundaries have been established and EN's are being met? What additional factors can be considered to affair-proof the marriage which may weigh on a FW's mind?

The road is long in life. No one wants to be hurt a second time when you invite your spouse back into your life and heart.

You don't need a wayward to answer this, because anyone who reads here long enough knows this. I am a former wayward, though.


As I explained above, the basis for reforming is developing boundaries by changing behaviors.


That is a sign of the FOG. One can be triggered by reminders, ie: continued contact, etc. But that "high" wears off when the source of the high is removed. For example, an alcoholic misses the high of booze when he is withdrawing. But when he is completely withdrawn he does not miss it. A recovering alcoholic will look at it with horror.

But....if the alcoholic takes another drink or surrounds himself with booze, all of those foggy good feelings come back. It is the same with an affair. Those feelings can be triggered. This is why Harley is adamant about NO CONTACT and changing the environment that allowed the affair to happen. No contact for life! No more drinks and stay out of the bar.


I have seen it addressed hundreds of times. Harley addresses it every week on his radio show and has for years.


If someone is still vulnerable, then good boundaries have NOT been established and need to be re-evaluated.


Agree!

I don't get this. If a completely recovered FWS is a different person from what they were during the affair (as most FWS claim to be),then shouldn't they feel disgusted about the affair and that disgust makes them feel repulsed about the OP and the affair which then would mean, they actually feel icky if they ever come into contact with the OP again? Or am I assuming too much (which is very typical of me, btw)?

You just don't understand the nature of addictions or what it means to be recovered. Recovered means a person has changed his behavior. That doesn't mean when exposed to the source of his addiction that he won't crave it again. For example, an alcoholic can grow to abhor alcohol as long he never drinks and stays away from it. But if he has just ONE DRINK, the old addiction, the desire, comes back.