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not sure where to start. my husband and i are in recovery right now. i am the wayward wife. i started an emotional affair late summer of 2010. it became a physical affair jan 2011. my husband found out about it march 2011. i immediately moved out of the house and we were talking divorce. long story short, we decided to work on our marriage while i was still living separate. i wasn't ready to give up my affair partner at that time. for the next 9 months i was still emailing him (but not nearly as much as before) and saw him in person twice (but no physical contact). my foggy head was clearing up while i was falling back in love with my husband (thanks for marriage builders)and my mind was clear by jan 2012. i moved back in mid feb 2012. we have been incorporating the steps that we read about in harleys books. i guess my question is how do we get past the angry days (my husband towards me) and get past all the triggers for us both? it seems to set us back even though i feel we have made much progress. i am still earning his trust back and i know it takes time.
me 43 fww spouse 44 bh DS 9 DD 7 On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
The way to earn his forgiveness and resolve his anger is to give him just compensation. JC ensures that you create a happy, romantic marriage. Those good feelings will eventually replace the BAD and he will not be so angry about what you did to him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Did you end ALL contact with the OM? Is he married, and if so, does his spouse know what you did?
Does your husband lash out in anger towards you NOW?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Did you answer all his questions with complete details and honesty, or are you hiding anything to "protect his feelings"?
For example if you BH did not get the complete details then he might be triggered every time he passes a Motel and then wonders if you went there with OM. A BHs imagination can be so much worse than reality.
Not sure what Just Compensation is?? have not read that book. my husband and i have read surviving an affair and currently reading his needs, her needs. The book you mentioned will be next on our list. i have ended ALL contact with the OM early January. he was not married. my husband does not lash out in anger towards me. he becomes withdrawn.
me 43 fww spouse 44 bh DS 9 DD 7 On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
Not sure what Just Compensation is?? have not read that book. my husband and i have read surviving an affair and currently reading his needs, her needs. The book you mentioned will be next on our list. i have ended ALL contact with the OM early January. he was not married. my husband does not lash out in anger towards me. he becomes withdrawn.
clearmind, it is good that you have those books. I would focus on SAA and you might even want to get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It has all the necessary worksheets in it and walks you through the lessons.
The link above, though, is just an ARTICLE, not a book. You can read it now.
He is probably withdrawn because he is depressed and because he is afraid of you. You caused him great harm in the past so he is fearful of being emotionally vulnerable around you. That will take time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
i have answered his questions. therefore, now all wendy's and silverado's are triggers for us. not sure how to handle that??
Avoid them as much as possible!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Welcome, Clearmind. Don't mind me if I ask about your EPs for a bit, ok?
So I gather from your husband's thread that you've closed the FB account wherre you "reconnected" with the ex who became your OM, correct? If so, that's important.
Tell us more about how you got rid of the pay-as-you phone that you'd been using to speak with OM. How & when did you give it back to OM? (Would've been better to drop it in the nearest deep river w/ your hubs looking on.) Did you give your husband the number? How does he know it's gone?
Did you ask your employer's IT to change your company e-mail address & phone number since you sent your no-contact letter? Or do you still have the same e-mail address(es) and phone that OM used to reach you at?
Sorry to be picky... it may seem, or may be, impossible to provide literally perfect assurance of no-contact, but you need to get as absolutely close to 100% assurance as possible. Every little thing you can do may matter in helping to restore your H's ability to feel emotionally-safe in reinvesting in your marriage.
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
BIG MB welcome to clearmind. You are in the right place. I'm about to get tough with you, but for a reason. You do not possess a clear mind at all, clearmind.
Originally Posted by clearmind
i guess my question is how do we get past the angry days (my husband towards me) and get past all the triggers for us both? it seems to set us back even though i feel we have made much progress. i am still earning his trust back and i know it takes time.
What's wrong with a little justifiable anger anyway? He's not cursing/hitting is he? When men are emotionally hurt, they often express it via anger. Next time your BH shows anger, calmly (not tearfully or fearfully) tell him you know you've hurt him in the worst way possible and you are willing to do what ever it takes for as long as it takes to make things right. Ask BH if it's OK to touch his hand when he is angry. Hold hands. Then ask if it is OK to hug him. Hug, if you get the OK. You will get more angry days ahead. Sometimes for no apparent reason. I suggest a gentle and humble approach that shows how much YOU CARE for him.
"I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make things right."
Also, my H would ask me every day "Is there anything I can do for you today?" That level of concern & care DEMONSTRATED on a consistent daily basis over a few years following his infidelity has created a very happy marriage environment for us both.
Now the "get tough" part.
What the hell does "get past" mean anyway? For me, when a wayward writes "get past" I begin to get all twitchy ....
You do not move around problems, my clearmind, you work through them. You do not "get past" anything on the road to recovery. You learn different skills. You demand more of yourself. You raise your level of care so that you NEVER ask your BH to "get past" his grief, his sorrow, his pain, his fear.
You see, his fear is very real. He fears he is not 'man enough' to keep you interested. You must not 'get past' his fear. You must help him by showing him multiple times on a daily basis that you are sticking through thick & thin.
Not sure what Just Compensation is?? have not read that book. my husband and i have read surviving an affair and currently reading his needs, her needs. The book you mentioned will be next on our list. i have ended ALL contact with the OM early January. he was not married. my husband does not lash out in anger towards me. he becomes withdrawn.
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Please watch this 30 minute video. Once this week, repeat next week. Re-watch as necessary.
i moved back in mid feb 2012. we have been incorporating the steps that we read about in harleys books. i guess my question is how do we get past the angry days (my husband towards me) and get past all the triggers for us both? it seems to set us back even though i feel we have made much progress. i am still earning his trust back and i know it takes time.
clearmind.
The pain a BS feels when they find an affair is completely and totally devastating. The pain a BS feels after a false recovery is like death.
The recovery time is measured in years.
It is called a rollercoaster because there will be many ups and downs. I remember how the intense anger would just hit me from out of the blue for no reason. Expect this to happen to your BH also. It is normal. Also expect the ups and downs of the rollercoaster ride.
Here is the key...words no longer mean anything to a BS...it is all about your ACTIONS.
Keep working the MB plan and give it time. Is OM still able to contact you at work? If so...shut that channel down and even think about leaving that job. It will go far in showing your sincerity and making BH feel a little safer.
ME: BW HIM: FWH Married 18 yrs DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Gloveoil, I have closed my FB account and am not and will not ever be on a social network site again. I gave the pay as go phone back to my affair partner. I returned it back to him about a week or so after my husband confronted me about the affair and we decided to work on our marriage (i was still in a fog at that time). I returned the phone along with some other of his things. I put all the stuff at another persons house and texted him to pick it up at a later time (while i was not there). My husband did not know the number because i didn't even know the number. my affair partner got it for me and programmed our numbers in each others phone.
I have changed my work email address. i am still trying to change my work number but i work for a government agency so that is still up in the air.
me 43 fww spouse 44 bh DS 9 DD 7 On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
Pepperband, I know my husbands anger is justifiable. I am not trying to negate my actions. I know what i did was very wrong and i regret it every day. it is something that i will have to live with forever. I guess i used the wrong words when i said "get past". I really mean how do we deal with those moments of anger in the most productive way? I really appreciate your suggestions and I will use them. Thanks for your help. I do appreciate it!
me 43 fww spouse 44 bh DS 9 DD 7 On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
Marital bliss, I never realized how many wendys and silverados are out there. It is about immpossible not to see one of those on a daily basis. (on the way to work, commercials, etc)
me 43 fww spouse 44 bh DS 9 DD 7 On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
Marital bliss, I never realized how many wendys and silverados are out there. It is about immpossible not to see one of those on a daily basis. (on the way to work, commercials, etc)
Who is triggered and in what way by Wendys and Silverados?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
melody lane, We are both triggered by wendys and silverados. I met my affair partner at wendys for lunches and he drove a silverado, which my husband is aware of. thereofre, they are triggers for us both.
me 43 fww spouse 44 bh DS 9 DD 7 On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
Pepperband, I know my husbands anger is justifiable. I am not trying to negate my actions. I know what i did was very wrong and i regret it every day. it is something that i will have to live with forever. I guess i used the wrong words when i said "get past". I really mean how do we deal with those moments of anger in the most productive way? I really appreciate your suggestions and I will use them. Thanks for your help. I do appreciate it!
OK. You are very welcome.
"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make things right."
What is a favorite recreational activity that you and H can plan together? It does not need to be a big show, like expensive concert tickets. It might be hiking or a trip to a local museum. Name 3 possibilities.
This is how you "deal with" the past ~~~> You (both) create a safe and enjoyable marriage environment today. Despite your doubts. You do it anyway.
You feel guilty, right? Good, up to a point. Then it becomes all about your feelings. You need to be showing care for him. It's much more productive to create today's happy memories.
Recreational activity. Very important. My H and I started reading one book together. A non-affair novel. We picked some Stephen King novellas. We'd take turns reading aloud in bed. It was fun. It was leisurely. It worked some calm into our lives.
Make love as often as possible. It may get emotional for either of you. That's OK. Do it anyway. The emotion will be a part of Radical Honesty.
with the ex who became your OM, correct? If so, that's important.
....