NG,

I agree. I am prepared for a loving marriage or a complete separation. In the end I will have no regrets. I hope this poster does what is necessary and pushes through the pain to ensure all has been done to save the marriage. Double O seven.

Hey guys haven't been here for awhile. Checking in to let you know I'm still at the same place and have been for a solid week. Don't want her back. Wouldn't take her back if she begged me. I know myself too well. I would never forgive her nor would I forgive myself for taking her back.

How about this message to my sons. When someone abuses you and your complete trust like your mother has, You need to be a man and stand up for yourself. You need to let her live with the ramifications of her choices while you move on, learn some lessons and make a better life for yourself.

I think it's a good message, but I don't think you should say "like your mother has". They already know what she did. It would be like rubbing their noses in it. Just my opinion.

Are you a religious man? Are you Catholic?

I am a BS with a FWW that moved out of the house for many months before returning; now we are in recovery using MB�s.

I can see that you are a very black and white person. I was that way and thought the same thing as you do. What kind of a lesson would it be to teach my children �how could I forgive her, recover our lives and move on after enduring more pain than I thought imaginable being wronged in the worse possible way? What would that teach them?� I used to think; NO WAY!

However, there is another principle which you might consider.

The other side of the coin is that in life, we all make mistakes. Yes, this mistake is the MOST GRAVE one a person could make. Wrong? Absolutely. But, at least in my case, my FWW is doing the right things now to compensate for her wrong doing. She sees the magnitude of her sin and is doing everything in her power to mend fences, fix her character flaws and fix herself AND the marriage.

Isn�t there another line of thought that can teach your children that even under the worst of circumstances, under the right conditions, people CAN be forgiven when they are truly remorseful? What if (god forbid) one of your children say rob a bank, commit a violent crime etc..should they be taught that they should never be forgiven in their lives when they commit a wrong?

I chose to take a different path and teach my children that people can error in life, learn valuable lessons, AND become a better person because of the experience.

Steel-

Those of us who have been cheated on and chosen to reconcile are not less than, or teaching our sons and daughters lessons of weakness.

Be careful. We know you are hurting and confused and angry. We have all been there. But don't stomp on people who are trying to help you.

You are very, very early in this marathon of affairville. You may choose to divorce, or you may choose to reconcile. But leave space and time for yourself to process and heal- and just be careful with the ideas you form in your head about what strength is. strength can be leaving a marriage. strength can also be staying.

Peace to you.

I have a saying: Forgiveness is the distance between heaven and earth. Think about it, Steel. Twenty-six years is a long time.

Alright, steel, now I'm pissed. Okay, you want to throw in the towel on a 26 year marriage then that's your prerogative and I understand completely. Frankly, I might have as well pre-MB.

You still need to blow this piece of excrement out of the water. And I mean in a massive way. You have 2 large sons that are severely pissed at their mother and particularly this POS. It's time to blow this man-[censored] up!

You want to send a message to your sons? Guess what pal, you already have, but not in a good way. You just showed your sons that any little pansy-assed punk from the past on the internet can come in and wreck your family. It's now time to send them another message.

Their father is a fighter!

You decide after you still don't want her, then fine! That is your right. But do everything you can to bust this up and make it as nuclear as possible. Get your sons here and we will guide them. I'm quite sure they would be willing to do something, even if you're not.

Yeah, I just threw down the gauntlet. Are you man enough to pick it up?

I think there are a lot of different ways to 'be a man' that don't necessarily include putting your WW on the curb. The FBH's on this site prove that to me every day.

Be clear on this, steel: every FWS on this site will tell you the same thing: They live with the ramifications of their actions every day, even while in a recovered marriage. So if you think divorcing your WW will be the catalyst that causes her to live with the fallout of her affair, you would be incorrect. If your intention to divorce is in order to 'teach her a lesson' or punish her, friend, you're potentially shooting yourself and your kids in the foot.

Just stuff to consider. I think you're waaaay too early post D-Day to be signing any contracts either way, KWIM?

When I read the threads of some of the BH's on this site, what I see is not weakness but strength and character. Not that a BH who decides on divorce is weak with low character, but more that the H can look beyond the hurt and betrayal and know that he needs to "rescue" his WW from her own folly and bring her back, so to speak. He loves her that much.

I know that if I had had an A, my H would most likely have let me go, too. He simply did not love me in that way for much of our marriage.

Hi Steel:

I Agree 100% with your post. I had a long talk with my kids about my XW affair and I told them the same thing. The last thing I wanted is my kids to accept this kind of treatment from their spouse.

Also in my case I told my wife if she had sex with another man our marriage was over. She gambled and did it anyway and when I packed her stuff and told her to go to him it did not take her long to want me back.

In your case she had to know going and sleeping with him could end the marriage. You tried to stop her and save things. I applaud you for not taking the abuse. My Ex has had a tough time since we divorced. I do feel bad for her in some ways but she had a choice and well that was it.

I have no doubt your wife will one day probably in a couple of years realize just how stupid she was. It is very sad to see a long marriage come to an end. But I don't ever want my kids to put up with this when they marry. But again it is just sad how people throw away their vows for a guy from over 30 years ago. Best of luck to you.

Steel it's two sides of the same coin. Bail and be strong bailing. Stay and fight and be strong fighting. Personally the idea that the POS OM will be step dad to my kids...ah not gonna happen. I would destroy the affair first. No way my son was going to call him dad, ask him for advice, ever look up to him. NO way.

That may be an idea...what kind of dirt can you dig up on OM? You mentioned that he was broke...if you get a PI to do just a basic background check, you may find a lot of interesting things that could influence a judge to keep him away from the boys. Convicted sex offender or drug user, for example.

Edit: nevermind. I went back and read through the thread, and Steel's sons are 17 and 21 - old enough to not be around OM if they don't want to be.

RidicSit
I haven't been on this site since you posted. Listen I feel horrible that you took what I said as some kind of insult to how you or anyone else is handling their situation. That is not what I meant at all. I should of phrased or punctuated my comments better. I simply meant that I know as well as you know what is best for our individual situations.

I know the dynamics between my soon to be ex-wife and between my sons and I better than anyone else. Just as any of you would in your own situation.

As for Tigerwes, dude I could care less if you're pissed. You pretty much come across as a jerk with your Junior High "gauntlet" and other things you have said. I have talked to my sons about the ideas about blowing the affair up and they want no part of it, nor do I. The OM is flying in Friday so that they can spend the weekend together. Should I meet him at the airport and beat the hell out of him in the parking lot? When you talk about being a man that would be a lot more my speed but I'm not going to do it because it would cause more problems than my momentary satisfaction would be worth.

By the way she has turned in her resignation and is moving in with him in a town several hundred miles away in one month. Thank God, one more month and she wont be in my face all of the time. Our final divorce hearing is July 5th and I can start to rebuild my sons and my lives. Folks my sons and I do not even know this person anymore. We refer to her as the alien.

I said more than once on this forum that I was just here to vent and for support. Someone suggested I go to the Divorce forum which I did. However several of you recommended that I also stay here. Maybe me checking back in once in awhile is not a good idea?

I really appreciate your support. Only we know our individual situations. I have no idea what the future holds for my soon to be ex or myself. Whether we will even speak to each other, be okay around each other, or i will hate her with all my being. I do know that if i Didn't go through with this divorce what problems it would cause because of her and my dynamic together. It would also make my sons feel betrayed because of the way they were raised.

Our sons were very close to their mother and now they won't even speak to her. She has to live with that and I will get them all the support and counseling to help them.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck to you and your sons.

I do mean that.

Our sons were very close to their mother and now they won't even speak to her...I will get them all the support and counseling to help them.

Very wise, Steel. Do not wait for their need for counselling to become manifest. Boys can "lock down" their emotions without demonstration until the explosion - rage, drug experimentation, alcohol misuse. Get ahead of the curve by starting the sessions as "family meetings" with a trained moderator.

Steel,

Should I meet him at the airport and beat the hell out of him in the parking lot?

It's an attractive thought, but better to bring a video camera and just film the lovely couple, like a wedding video in reverse.

If your children were much younger then yes beat him up, anyone who destroys the family of a 2 year old child has no heart and has turned in their human being card.

God Bless
Gamma

Steel, been following your situauation, hope things are going good for you, is divorce still on for next month? How about an update for those who have been down that rocky road.

Welcome ComputerJock.

How about starting your own thread and telling us your story?

That poster hasn't posted in over 2 months I doubt he will be back.