Hello,
I am writing to get some advice on what direction I should head in my situation. A little background. I am 30 years old and have been married to my wife for only 4 yrs now. We have moved rather quickly with our family and have two children a daughter who is three and a son who is one. After my son was born things seemed to change. She became depressed (maybe a little post partum) but she was forced to quit her job to stay home with the kids. I am also in the military and have to work hard with long hours on occasion. I could tell she was struggling at home and tried to do what I thought was right to ease her frustrations, I got her things and supported her through her hobby and passion of horse back riding. I would spend as much time at home as I could with the kids to give her a break. It started to be that she didn't want to be at home and started to ask to go out at night more and more with friends. I allowed this and thought I was doing the right thing for her...really I should have been more encouraging to do things together or as a family. She started to hang out with one of my coworkers, who I thought I could trust, but I was wrong. It became the typical Jon and Sue story in a way. Started what she called innocent and a friend to help escape the stay at home Mom life style she was not happy with. Anyway, they started an affair and at first admitted to only an emotional connection but in reality it was physical as well...that finally came out about three months later.
During this time and before reading the Surviving an Affair book, I have been following plan A. I have tried to get her to quit the affair and be supportive of her issues at home. Like many WS I believe she is looking at her past and trying to rewrite history blaming the affair on the fact she didn't marry me for the right reason and we moved to fast, etc. I've been supportive of her finding a job and trying to give her some self worth that she feels she is missing. The big problem is I can not get her to stop the contact with her lover. It hasn't been that long since everything has been revealed only about 4 months since it all started. (4 months too long)
My question is how do I get her to stop the affair, she acts like she wants to play both sides. I've been nice to her I've tried to win her back and done date nights and we do councelling together, but it's not focusing on our marrige, mostly just a forum for communication. Every time we go out and have time together she tells me that It just feels like a friendship not a marrige.
She has mentioned a separation but she has no where to go. She can't stay with her lover cause I work with him and he has been ordered not to have contact with her. She has no job and no income. I guess she expects me to support her financially while she gets on her feet so she can move out, I don't want to do that. Is it time to go plan B, ask her to leave if that's what she wants and give her a taste of life without me? I feel like I need to take the pants back force her to drop her lover for good. I mean that's what I really want and the only thing that's going to save the marrige.
I feel like its a tough spot because she would probably come back just out of shear necessity, is that ok, as long as she is back and we can work on it? Does it sound like its time for this kind of altamatum? My first though was I want her to come back for the right reasons but I'm guessing it's ok to demand her to stop contact with the lover for sake of saving the marrige? Cutting the affair out completely seems to be the basis of he book, but how do I make that happen? What would you recommend I do?

Yes he is and works at the same unit as me. It was exposed at work and he has been punished for it along with some other things he did. He has been restricted and ordered to have no contact with me wife, however he will most likely be discharged as well. So their contact will be able to continue in the near future.

As far as the exposure, it has been revealed to most of our friends and my family knows, however it has not been exposed to her family. I am actually worried about doing that. That is an issue she is working on and if I were to run to her parents I feel she would resent me for it forever...it seems to be that sensitive to her. I would prefer her tell them everything.

Also, would you recommend me asking my wife to read Surviving An Affair, even if she's not cut contact with her OM? Do you think it will help or just push her away because of the sacrifice and hard work required. Will it help if she is still in the fog?

Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.

If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!

How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.

The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!

At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!

So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.

When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).

The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!

At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!

Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.

How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!

So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).

Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.