I have found my way here like so many of you, and it's only come at the crisis point. I found out a four days ago that my husband began a physical affair on St. Patrick's Day. We have been married for seven years, and he had two young children who I've served as "mom" since they were three and two years old. We have one young son together.

I am breaking. We have had two years of constant struggle, with him getting laid off from a job almost exactly two years ago, depression persisting, a vasectomy reversal gone wrong, ongoing financial challenges, and a loss of our intimacy - physically and emotionally.

I know that many of you will say not to take on anything for him - he was ultimately responsible for his choice - and yes, that's true. I know that I contributed so much hate to the relationship, spewing and venting and then rehabilitating and trying over and over. I don't know that there has been any affairs before, and never suspected. I knew this past week immediately and confronted him with cell phone calls to one number. He confessed, and told me that he wanted out of the marriage.

I do not want to lose my marriage and my two stepchildren. I have begged, pleaded, cried, promised, accepting all responsibility for our marital problems (rightly or wrongly), talked about the children, gotten angry, told my parents, his parents, and sent the OW texts asking her to back off so we can work on saving the marriage for our children. I am too scared to move forward towards a Plan B, but too scared not to do something to try.

He's sleeping in our basement at the moment, after I told him to return this morning from his night out with her and staying with her overnight. I don't know why he's here except I told him the kids were scared and confused.

Help. I vacillate between pathetic, strong, and desperate.

Oh Harriet, I am so very sorry. Can you tell us more about this OW? Who is she? Is she married? What does she do?

She worked with him at his current job previously, and now is a classroom aide at a local elementary school. I am 40, my husband is 33, and she is 31. She was divorced, I gather, in the last 1-2 years, and judging from Facebook, her ex is newly married with a baby. She has a twelve year old daughter, and lives in my city. She is apparently likes beer and running, as my limited access on facebook can show me. I've been an internet sleuth and have found out a lot about her family connections and friends and job, but am in Plan A. My husband says it's "sex only" and that because I've hurt him so badly he does not want me anymore. This is so fresh and real and new and oh my god... I can't believe I'm writing any of this.

Oh, and he told me that he'd leave each night after the kids are in bed and return in the mornings to take them to school - so that they can be here with me and not be damaged by this. Again, the swing... grateful that he hasn't snatched them away, which he could do at any moment, and angry that he's treating this like his personal nanny instead of his wife of years while he goes and spends the night with her.

The impossible situation is I have no legal right to two of the children if he leaves. Well, that and I'm in love with him.

I also asked him to slow down, not make a decision about leaving, and to let him just be here but without seeing her. He has said no previously - when I asked him today, he said no but then stayed.

Harriet, your best bet is to do a facebook exposure on the OW. Go to her facebook page, copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping. Then go read the link in my signature about how to do this.

Plan A means that you expose the affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it ruins the fantasy aspect. The more people who know about this affair, the more people to apply pressure on them.

This is what Plan A should look like:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Unfortunately I've never had access to her friends list - he wasn't even "facebook friends" with her, so I can only see so much. I do have her parents names, aunts, uncles, and sisters. I know where she works. Should I contact them all? I know that this may be a common fear, but unsure - I'm afraid that any tenuous hope will be burned.

Harriet, you need to calmly ask him to leave if won't end his affair. Tell him that he has to cut off contact with her or find another place to live. Rather than ask him to slow down, DEMAND that he end his affair and cut off contact with her or this will lead to divorce. Tell him he will have to move out if he won't stop immediately because this will lead to divorce.

Here is the thing, you cannot be around him for more than 3 weeks if he is having an affair or you risk a nervous breakdown and severe physical symptoms. Dr Harley, the clinical psychologist who founded Marriage Builders, recommends separation if he won't end his affair in 3 weeks. I know that sounds scary, but what is REALLY SCARY is letting him stay there and carry on an affair and you land in the nutward with a nervous breakdown. Then he can move the OW in to take your place. It is very important that you protect your mental health.

If he won't end his affair right away, you are much better off being separated until he does. His affair will die a natural death but a separation will protect you until that happens. While a separation is hard for the first 2 weeks, you will feel much, much better in about 2 weeks.

How would you contact them all? By phone? Email? The affair should be exposed to them ALL. But it is real important that you use the wording in the templates posted on my thread. you need to expose it - not in a vindictive way - but by asking them all to help you.

Your hope will be burned if you DON'T. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret makes it more likely you will lose your marriage. Exposure is your best weapon against an affair. THAT gives you your best chance.

Affairees are addicts that are much like crack heads. Exposure is like inviting a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high! It also forces the crack heads to see themselves through the eyes of others. It is no fun to get high when everyone else is watching.

And Harriet- know this and believe this- the affair is not your fault. Don't err again take responsibility for his awful choices.

Plan A time. exposure time. Time to get your life back!

Even with the two stepchildren in the mix? I've been in their lives for eight years as their mother, and am the primary caregiver. I probably shouldn't have been... it's led me to this scary place now with him and I'm left wide open emotionally.

I'd contact them by phone or mail or email.

Harriet, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances.

Exposure is your absolute best bet for killing this affair. Have you googled her name? She may have other contacts on other social sites, like MySpace, Twitter, etc. Don't do ANY exposure until you're ready to do it all at once. And DON'T tell your WH about this site right now.

The wayward typically will dream up a cozy situation that they believe will minimize the damage that their affair will cause. Let your WH know that this will not be happening. Don't even hold out false hold by telling him that you will think about it. That situation WILL NOT be happening. Tell him that he will have to end the affair or you will no longer be able to be with him. Yes, you are risking the loss of your step-children. But that risk is already with you because of his affair. You need to be proactive, not REactive.

Did you read the thread in my signature about exposure?

Please calm yourself down, Harrriet, and develop a plan. Make up a list of the OW's family and friends. Write out your talking points and CALMLY call or email them using the talking points in my thread. Then proceed to call or email anyone else in your H's family or friends and ask them all to call up your husband and use their influence to persuade him to end his affair. \

Be CALM and be strategic.

Thank you, all - I have read each of your posts, and definitely about exposure. I'm terrified, but going to make a plan for what to do next. Any other thoughts are sincerely welcome and I'm grateful you all exist out there... I have some great supports, but they're emotionally tied up in this, as well, as we're all pretty close and this is shocking for everyone involved as I'm sure you well know.

Good girl! If you can get your emotions under control enough to follow a PLAN, you have a good chance of turning this around. But it is real important that you stop begging, pleading and crying. You can't reason with a wayward so the best you can do is calm yourself down and develop a strategic plan of attack. See, they have no PLAN and are just following their emotions. You have the advantage!

Steel yourself, Harriet. You DO have the advantage - don't present yourself to your WH as a wimpy, begging wife.

Harriet don't you think, despite the law and despite his affair addiction, its interesting he sees you as the irreplacable mother of his children? You have more power than you think. Exposure includes telling the kids if they are over four years old.