Stick around. You're definitely in the right place, no matter what you decide about your M.

Even if you chose to D, you're likely to end up in the same boat the next time unless you learn what makes A's tick and how to avoid them. One very good example of something you would need to change no matter who you're married to is tolerating a spouse's desire for secrecy.

You will begin to heal from whatever he is doing now, as well as what he has done in the past, when you put up boundaries that protect yourself from further damage. He has never made you feel safe, so at least for now it will be up to you.

That's why Plan B is so important whether you desire to R your M or not.

Thank you Neak! I just spent some time reading a lot of your story - I am impressed! You are one strong dedicated woman. I really wish I had known of this website the first time when I still had hope for a better marriage. I'm not necessarily 100% hopeless b/c I do know that God can make a way out of no way and I have friends who have recovered. One who was in divorce court and her marriage not only recovered, but is better than ever.

I just am so tired now and am not able to even muster up strong feelings for my DH, so it is hard for me to imagine making it. I don't even get all that angry anymore and I haven't even broken down and cried. I was a complete and utter mess the first time and I think that broke something in me toward him that I have never gotten back. Also, the serious doubts I have about his ability to really change make it hard to think we have a future.

OTL - I am in a similar situation. Poor boundaries, secret life. Found out first A in 2006, and second at the end of 2011. I am now in Plan B, working on my PR (personal recovery), highly doubting WH capacity/ intent to change and work to recover the M.

Wish you luck. Do you have any kids?

estrela, first - thank you for posting. Even though it is a sad situation, it does help to know that someone may be able to relate to my situation.

Yes, we do have 2 kids. Of course, that is a large part of the reason I have stayed in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage. My DH is definitely the guy who wants to have that happy home family life while seeking interests elsewhere. "I'm boring." as he told me before, but I certainly fill his need to present this happy family man that he likes to portray.

Do you have children as well? If so, how have they adjusted? If you don't mind my asking.

Okay, I'm slow I see from your signature you do have two children.

The best scenario for your kids is to live with both parents, who are happily married and in love with each other. Even though you're very tired now, if WH got his act together and was truly repentant, you would find it much easier to think about possibly recovering with him.

That's God's best plan for your family, too, and I've seen Him pull off some major miracles. here. On those occasions where the WS chose to stay a WS, and resist God's leading and the proffered grace of their BS, the second-best scenario for the kids is that one parent gives them a stable, moral, loving environment, free from adultery.

You can definitely have one of those options. The third, of staying in a loveless marriage where adultery is tolerated to any extent, causes only damage to all family members involved. That's what you've chosen up till now, and I admire your strength and dedication in sticking that out. Now it's time to choose a new path, one that leads to joy and peace.

Neak - thanks for clear words.

OTL - the kids are OK for now. Sometimes sad. Of course, the long term effect is what worries me.

Thak you Neak, this sums it up perfectly.

I have a couple more plans for continuing my investigation efforts. So I hope by next week, I have some definiteve answers.

What do I do if I don't find definite proof? I'm spinning my wheels waiting to find something. My DH has had to work all weekend so there's been no chance for me to find anything. I've installed a keylogger, but he hasn't been home to use the computer. I've been making myself so stressed out over all of this and what if I am wrong.

I guess I need to be rational. Clearly, I found those phone numbers in his pants pocket. Should I call those numbers? If I call, what do I say?

Until you find definite proof you're in Plan A, like Melodylane posted to you. Also take care of you.
There are two parts to plan A. You can definitely work on the carrot of Plan A and give the stick when you have the proof.

Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Also check this out while you're learning Operation Investigate

You can try looking up the numbers and see who they belong to, before you call. Try and get as much intel on the numbers.

I have been doing the Plan A, which makes this all the harder and adds to my confusion. My DH has been responding very positively to my making the home nice and to my affection. It hurts to think that he can be so attentive and loving while possibly harboring secrets. Part of me is really hoping that I'm wrong and this is just porn stuff.

But those phone numbers are keeping me from doing so. He will be home tomorrow while I'm at work, so I'm hoping he will log on and I can get access to what I am looking for. I need to know one or the other soon because this is very unhealthy for me physically and mentally.

OTL, do you know for sure he worked all weekend? Did you verify that?

And I would call the #s and see who answers. Disguise your # using *67 and call them up. If a woman answers tell her you found her # in your husbands pocket.

Yes, he definitely worked all weekend. It's his regular work schedule and yesterday he came home straight after. I had dinner prepared and it was Game of Thrones premiere, which is one of our "things" we do together.

Saturday is a little iffy b/c the Final Four game came on as he was leaving work and he did not come home. He says that he stayed at work to watch it. I know he watched it b/c we discussed the game and he saw what I saw. I was at a baby shower and only got home in time to see the second half of the game. Actually, I went to my parents to watch it when I saw he had not come home. So I "guess" he likely watched it at work, but he also did not answer his phone during that time and had a lame excuse for that. He usually likes to have his phone by him during games so he can call people and discuss the game while it's on. So it was strange that he did not answer. So I don't know. But he was home shortly after it was over.

Okay, I will work up my nerve to call those numbers.

I would get a GPS on his car. Can you get spyware on his phone?

His phone is password protected. Plus, he has one of those old phones. Not a smart phone. Can you do spyware on a non-smarthphone? He's not as into technology as I am. I think the keylogger will get past him and get me some info. I just have to be patient and wait for her days off when I'm at work, that's when he's getting on the computer.

I just did some research and depending on how the keylogger thing goes, I found a pi service through my state and I can obtain a free consultation. After I get the keylogger info, I think I will contact that service. I am very concerned with staying lawful in my research and a PI may be the way to go since they will know the applicable law and what I can legally do.

Sorry if I am posting a lot, this is a good place for me to maintain all of my thoughts and information.

Did you check out this Operation Investigate ?

There are some excellent tools on there and it will help keep your mind busy.

Yes, I'm checking it out. A lot of those don't work for me b/c I don't have access to his phone and he's being funny about his car. I did get his car a bit last week. I didn't see much, except for what looked like one of those pre-paid credit cards.