I think this obsession came about after I married. I was pretty confident beforehand. Now I compare myself to everyone I come in contact with.

I have a recently divorced friend and she wants to hang out on the weekends we don't have our kids. She is put together and always perfect and I'm thinking dear Lawd, I will pale in comparison. Why can't I find myself and be happy with who I am? Is this another freaking stage of the divorce process? I know ya'll said this would get better but ... I'm so ready.

I think if you work on learning who you are in God's eyes, you will be more accepting of yourself. Comparisons are never good.

We are all different...some tall, some short, some good at bookkeeping, some artistic, some outgoing, some shy. It's about accepting who we are as God made us. We can work on changing some things about ourselves (like always being late), but some qualities we can't change, they're just who we are.

Kay you are the only brave one here. lol This must have been a hard question.

How about bad hair days? Is that possible to change? lol

I'm working on gaining my confidence back and putting God first in my life. It is a struggle though and some days I fail miserably!!! Thankfully I have a merciful God.

No, I don't think I'm brave, just been through a lot and it's affected some changes in me. We ALL have bad hair days! These days the inside of me is about the only thing that hasn't gone downhill...as you age you notice your hair turning gray, your middle thickens, your hands wrinkle, you lose your back teeth, funny spots grow on your arms (the doctor says it's due to age, bless him!) I think I gave up when I noticed my feet didn't look as pretty as they used to! LOL I've learned to laugh at all of those things...the physical changes happen to all of us. But meanwhile, we grow as people, we learn a lot, we become more tolerant and less dogmatic, our sense of humor sharpens, and we keep our smile...those are GOOD things! So we learn to value the inside and that really does compensate for the exterior. PLUS we are survivors! We have to give ourselves credit for that!

This is a good question Prissanna. Actually, I don't think I compare so much of the 'exterior' of others to that of mine..., but I do copampare other people's 'situations' a lot, lol.

Because exterior-wise, as KC said, we ALL age, no one can escape that, so I feel pretty FAIR about the process. If you were only pretty when you were young and never worked on inside - then you are really in trouble later on. Fortunately or unfortunately, however, I do believe none of us is lucky enough to also escape life challenges one way or another. By the time we are older, we all look kind of similar, lol, and we have all experienced great sadness and hurt and pain along with happiness too.

What I continue to have struggles with is that unfairness of life. Again, I have many great friends who suffer from cancer, spouces' affairs, etc. And there are some whose life goals are to 'use others' so to speak, to get happy at expenses of others, and continue to lie and betray others - and still coming out to be okay with no major health or financial issues. That's usually what gets me.

Is it really your 'bad hair day' that gets you? Maybe your confidence is in check not because of the exterior stuff but some 'doubt' inside of you about life?

Prissana,
I feel like a failure because my marriage failed. I think the sense of failure carrys into other areas of a person's life. I like to believe this will be temporary and that by working on myself, which I have alot of time now, will help build me up and give me confidence to eventually face singlehood.

GG

Prissana,

It sounds like your ex was pretty controlling and possibly emotionally abusive. That in itself can erode one's confidence. Then throw in his affair, more confidence lost. Next comes the divorce and your your confidence is now in the gutter.

It took time to lose your confidence and it will take time to get it back. The only way to get it back is to challenge yourself to do things (positive things of course!).

If your friend is a good person, hang out with her.

*waves at Keith* You know me well. ;-) I do hang out with her. I just feel like a slob when I do though even though I'm dressed nicely and my hair is fixed as best it will do. I have kind hair - the kind that grows on a dog's rear.

Milkshake,
You made a very good point, I hadn't considered that. It is true that life is very unfair. I have been married four times while I know others who treat their husbands like sh*t and they've managed to stay married. My first husband (I was 17) beat me continually, was a serial cheater and did drugs. He did none of those things before we married, it all showed up later. I barely escaped with my life. I was married to my second husband for 23 years, we raised two wonderful kids together and divorced. Although I cared about him, we were never "in love" and it was tough. I'd been taught you "will" to love, that you demonstrate love and the feelings follow. Not necessarily true. My third marriage was extremely happy...and short...he died suddenly and shockingly, uprooting my world as I knew it. Stupidly, I married again, this time I got played, and oh what a price I paid. He also was a serial cheater and ruined me financially. I've also been engaged twice and had my heart broken both times. Should I feel something is wrong with me because others seem to luck out and stay with their partner for life?

I know I was a good wife. I know I didn't "deserve" what I got in life. I also know others didn't deserve the good fortune they had and they can't begin to appreciate what they have. Can I feel jealous of them when they haven't begun to comprehend the lessons I've learned along the way? Everything I have been through has shaped and molded me into who I am and humbled me, made me more compassionate and understanding...and yes, wiser. I may be old (er) and alone, but I'm a wise old coot now! And I wouldn't trade that for anything. Maybe someday I'll run across another wonderful man that I'll spend the rest of my days with...or maybe I won't. But having or not having a man doesn't define who I am, any more than looks does. I am who I am whether or not anyone else ever sees or appreciates it. Therefore I need to be the one to value and appreciate myself! I am happy how I am. Who am I to question God for allowing me to go through more hardships than the next person? Some were through my own stupidity, some were bad luck, but nonetheless, He used all to teach me.

Totally agree KC. I see quite a few women who do not seem to bring any value whatsoever to the marriage and yet still married. Although NONE of their spouces ever said they are happy. It's just the men's above-average tolerence that is keeping it together.

Just have confidence in yourself, I think that is the most important thing

There is always someone poorer than you and on the other hand, there will always be someone who's better than you too... there will never be an end to comparisons (it's a waste of time if you ask me).

We are all blessed in different ways. We need to acknowledge those blessings and know that what God gives us is enough. You need time to love yourself again after the divorce.

Hugs,
R