Wow. Melody I figured as much from your original post. You seemed to come across as a victim of an affair, and it is evident in your first reply to me. I can sense your projecting your feelings about your husband to me, and I can certainly appreciate why you would do that. These feelings you have are extremely powerful, and they are not turned off quickly.

The primary difference is that, unlike your husband, I did not have an affair, the communication with this woman only lasted about 2 weeks, and I ended the relationship. I made the right choice and stopped it from becoming something that could have really caused some trouble in my life. This is to be celebrated.

I find it fascinating that you guys agree that my wife's behavior is solely my responsibility, and that the reason she has not responded to me for 13 years has been because of all the things I am doing wrong, or all the things I am not doing right. However, when it comes to my behavior for a two week period, it is solely my responsibility, and it would be wrong for me to hold her responsible for any aspect of it. That is simply insanity. None of us live in a vacuum, and of course my wife's lack of energy, passion, and love toward me would have an impact on my own feelings and actions, it is inevitable.

But also, I find that you guys also don't listen very well. I explained very truthfully my situation, and yet you challenge elements of it as though I am trying to manipulate or paint a false picture of what is going on. Both of our parents live within 5 miles of us, so yes, we have babysitters readily available who are enthusiastic about having them, so we really do spend upwards of 30 hours a week together alone. You ask what we do, I will list it...

Going out to eat
Staying home in the bed and watching movies/tv / having sex
Going shopping
Long walks
etc. etc. etc.

These are all things we both love to do, and when we are watching anything it's always things she wants to watch, which in turn are things I want to watch also. We go to the restaurants we both love, we talk about things that she values. Lots of touching, holding hands, kissing, and my language is threaded with terms of endearment and compliments...

Sex is not the issue, it is words of affirmation. Her articulating her feelings and thoughts for me in words. She is desperately in love with me, and yet she can't articulate it.

I have always been affectionate, complimentary, encouraging, and I have never spoken a negative or abusive word to here EVER, even in a heated argument I have never lost my temper and I have never said anything to hurt her.

You guys still think I am the problem though, huh?

If I'm reading you correctly, Steve, the EN that is not being met for you is not sex, it is admiration.

MelodyLane asked you whether you would complete some assignments if we set them for you, but you haven't replied. I would rephrase this question to ask whether you and your wife would complete the MB assignments that are available as part of the home study course. This is a course that takes about year to complete, and you are both given assignments to carry out weekly. The tasks consist of practical work that you do every day to meet the ENs of both spouses. If your wife would agree to sign up to the course, she would sign a commitment to rebuilding your marriage and meeting your ENs, and you would do the same for her.

I am hopeful that since she has done the Love Languages course and counselling before, that she would be willing to try Marriage Builders. If you feel that you would like a coach (very different from a counsellor) to guide you through the programme and help you with problems implementing it, you should sign up for the online version. For either version, click the "courses, seminars and accountability" link in the red area at the top of every page. My H and I are currently doing the online course, and the practical tasks that we do have changed our marriage beyond recognition. I highly recommend the course, especially if you have a reluctant spouse.

I'm going to give you tip tip, although you did not ask for one: don't be rude to posters who come to your aid. You know nothing about MelodyLane's feelings about her husband and you should not attempt amateur diagnosis of why she gave her advice. She, like many people on this board, has recovered her marriage and has experienced getting it wrong, and getting it right. You should be prepared to learn from her and others here.

Lastly: you DID have the affair. Intimate conversation with a woman who is not your wife, and emailing and eventually hugging, is an emotional affair, and that can be just as destructive to a marriage a a physical one. At the risk of being accused of projecting my feelings onto your wife, I can tell you that an affair is one of the most powerful ways in which you could have obliterated any sense she ever had that you were admirable, and any willingness on her part to meet your need for admiration today. Admirable is as admirable does, and going outside your marriage to get your needs met generates feelings of disgust, not admiration, in the betrayed spouse.

I don't condone your wife's refusal to meet any of your ENs, if indeed she is refusing as I suspect. Paying you back for the rest of her life for the betrayal is no way to run a marriage. She cannot be happy doing this (I know I wasn't), and she could be happy again - and more than before - if she learns about and practices mutual EN-meeting. She needs to be sold the benefits of a happy marriage. Your marriage can't be happy for her if it isn't for you, so her carving out her own space and saying "this is what I will give and no more" is ultimately backfiring on her.

Try and respectfully persuade her to sign up for the course.

Well, I think your arrogance is a problem. You have described yourself as the unbelievably perfect husband, who is already doing every last thing - including 30+ hours per week UA time - perfectly. You have set your whole problem up so that you are PERFECT and your wife is completely at fault. Even your affair is irrelevant and when posters try to tell you about the unresolved effect it has had on your marriage, you call them bonkers - in a nutshell.

You need to lose the attitude. Brushing off your affair and insisting that you are the perfect husband is an indication that you are not listening to how your wife feels about the marriage, and now she is in withdrawal from you.

I'm sure you'll tell me that she thinks the marriage is wonderful - because she has the perfect husband.

In my experience, the clueless husband very often is the problem.

Signed,
A Clueless Husband

P.S. This site is a plan for how to develop cluefulness.

Your subject line:


In other words, you gave her an ultimatum, and she didn't respond well.

It turns out, women don't respond well to ultimatums.

What they do respond well to is someone who has a full account in their Love Bank.

Men are able to meet the emotional needs of someone they are not in love with far more easily than most women. Most women need to feel an emotional bond with someone before they will even believe it is possible to meet their needs.

So the rational solution is for you to learn to meet her needs first, learn to make massive Love Bank deposits every day, and reevaluate her willingness AFTER that has occurred.

Since you quoted me, I think you may have confused Mel's posts from mine. I am not a victim of an affair. So your "senses" about my projected feelings is off. I am the one who had an emotional affair. Same as you!


Are you still in contact w/ this woman???? Does she work w/ you??? It isn't enough to end the relationship, you need to establish no contact w/ this person for life.

Have you done this????


No one said your wife's behavior is solely your responsibility. Nor has any one said the reason she has not responded to you for 13 years has been because of all the things you are doing wrong...or all the things you are not doing right.

Try not to offend yourself w/ our posts and read them believing that we are actually trying to help you. They will read very differently if you do.


Then why didn't you correct her when she took 100% of the blame for your affair?


Never is an awfully big word. You keep painting yourself as a perfect husband, and your wife as a broken woman. Do you believe that seeing your wife as a broken woman is complimentary? Do you believe that allowing her to take 100% of the blame for your affair was NOT abusive? Do you think trying to manipulate her into having more SF w/ you by telling her about another woman hitting on you, was encouraging to her?

Yes, absolutely. And keep in mind the folks who recognize this are those who have happy, fulfilling marriages. So you can dismiss our advice and make armchair diagnoses all you want, but the fact remains that we have want you want. Your best thinking has screwed up your marriage yet you continue to rely on the same instincts that have led you wrong in the past. How smart is that?

You continue to go on about all the wonderful things you do for your wife but don't seem to grasp that those things have not worked FOR YOU. So why not listen to others? Or are you only here for validation?

If do it yourself does not work, you might want to check into the online program so you can get professional guidance. Those of us here with happy, recovered marriage have gone through this ourselves.

Holy lordy...

First of all, of course I have no contact with this woman. I figured that one out on my own...

Of course I corrected her when she accepted responsibility for the affair. But she of her own free will continues to accept that responsibility. I completely pulled her off any hook she set herself upon. I made it completely clear that she carried no responsibility for my actions. Can we put this one to bed now? I have communicated this already...

I use never on purpose, and I mean it. Why would it be hard to believe that I have NEVER been ugly to her? The reason you guys are saying this is because it would then make no sense for her to be unresponsive to me, but that is the case nonetheless.

The reason I told her that this woman was hitting on me was because I believe in honesty and openness in the relationship, and I wanted her to know this was happening. Of course I expected her to be a support and recognize why a woman would be interested in me and then communicate that. In 13 years she probably complimented me a dozen times, so I was so starved for any type of positive communication, I hoped she would take that stance, and she did not. It was not manipulation, it was honesty.










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Goodness sakes, of course I did not give her an ultimatum. What you describe about men and women is the opposite in our case. I am the one who needs the emotional bond. And yes, her emotional love bank is full, and always has been, and she agrees to this... She just has no capacity to communicate feelings and affection with words, and that is what I am trying to get you guys to help me with.

Wow! Man you guys are judgmental... The only attitude you guys perceive in my writing comes from the accusatory statements regarding my actions or participation in my marriage. Don't forget that it is I who am here trying to understand how to make things better... I just don't perceive much understanding or support... There are so many matter-of-fact statements being made trying to oversimplify something that could not be more complicated...

You don't get it. Almost everything in my marriage could not be better. We are continually used as a model for the successful marriage by close friends and family. It is only in this 'words of affirmation' thing that my wife has had a failure.

My question originally was, which no one has seemed to want to answer, is what do you do if your spouse does not have the capacity to provide you with the emotional stuff you need?

This is not the case. She is not refusing but rather has no capacity to do what I desire. She has no capacity to think of complimentary words and articulate them to me verbally. It's not a refusal, but seems to rather be a handicap.

Again, this is not exactly true. The only times in our marriage where we have had major problems, are always when I am open and honest with her about my feelings and desires. If I keep them to myself she is happy as a clam. In my selfless desire to be what she needs regardless of what I need, I have tried to maintain my silence so that she can go on and be happy and fulfilled. Our professional marriage counselor has agreed this is the better path since she does not have the ability to self-actualize and overcome this introverted inability to communicate and articulate feelings and emotions...

You are still not listening to us as we have answered this question several times. You are not a model for a successful marriage; your marriage is an unhappy one by your own admission. Your spouse does have the capacity to make you happy and so do you, if you do the right things. You are not doing the right things. If you were doing the right things, you would have a happy marriage.

Also, are you still in the touch with the woman with whom you had an inappropriate relationship?

I appreciate everyone's responses, and I will go back over them in more detail so I can attempt to put them into use in my marriage. If I have offended anyone or said anything that came across as arrogant or selfish, please forgive me. My desire is to only learn how to better love the woman God has given to me, with the hopes that she might figure out how to best love me as well. Thanks again...

That sounds simple enough, but unfortunately it just isn't true. She would also need to be doing the right things...

Of course not...

You are going to have to quantify this statement. How can you say that with complete assurance?

If the only deposits that meet my EN are quarters, and all she has is dimes, how does she have the capacity to meet my EN?

As is true with most marriage counselors, they don't have the slightest idea how to create a happy, romantic marriage. And the proof is in the pudding. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

What your MC has advocated is an obstacle to intimacy because unspoken issues lead to a lack of intimacy. As you can see, this has not made your marriage happy.

A better solution is for you to tell your wife what is wrong so she can learn to meet your needs in an effective, productive way. That is what this program does.

And yes, I suspect your wife might be happy. But she is not in love. She is in a state of withdrawal if she is made happy by your silence.

Again, sounds great, and simple. However she has no desire to go through the emotional turmoil it would require for her to come face to face with the realities of who she is and what she would be required to do.

So she has no desire to learn to meet my needs in an effective, productive way. Now what?