I was reading that nicknames for OP thread and I read a post of yours that I wanted to ask you about. Do you sincerely believe that "nothing" you could have done in the past would have prevented your W's infidelity and subsequent leaving? If so, am I off base to say that pretty much that translates into that you think you did <B>everything</B> right?<P>I guess I'm kind of surprised to see someone who is familiar with this site and the marriagebuilders principles write that. There are many, many, many, many things that I know now I could have done much, much better. There are many things that I know I did wrong in my marriage. Does any of this <I>excuse</I> him for having an affair? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I would have my head knee deep in the sand if I were to say that I could have made a difference. He could have made a difference too. Neither of us did the things that could have made a difference. So here we are, cleaning up the mess.<P>I know that you are still in a lot of pain and anger since your W has actually left you for the OP. But I hope you know that admitting you could have done things better will not make what she did <I>ok</I>. You may have screwed up, as we all do, but that doesn't make it okay for her to have done what she did. Can you say that? It won't hurt a bit, I promise. Matter of fact, before you can move on with your life and let go of all of this, you're probably going to have to come to that conclusion sooner or later. Take care!

Back to the top, hopint NP will see it!

lark,<P>I am not np, but I also think there is nothing that was in my power to do that could have prevented this. No, of course I don't think I did everything right - far from it. But even if I had been absolutely perfect, I could not have prevented his depression. Perhaps if I could have a) read his mind and b) been able to find a job that would allow me to singlehandedly support our family so he could be a stay at home parent like we both wanted. My H admits that I always acted like I loved him. I tried and tried to talk to my H, I have on numerous occasions asked him if he was upset with me, only to have him deny it. I tried very hard not to respond in kind to his irritability, short temper and disrespect that were characteristic of his depressions, and maybe if I had been absolutely perfect I never would have had. No one ever told me that the only way to make sure your spouse stays faithful is to provide them with both six children and financial security, and to never, ever have any but positive emotions.

Nellie,<P>Thanks for responding. I hope NP responds too. I don't really know what to say to you. Your case is perplexing to me, and I sympathize with you. But, I know that there are PLENTY of things I could have done that could have had a profound affect on my marriage. There are PLENTY of things my H could have done, also. Unfortunately neither of us were equipped with the knowledge or insight (or shall I say "hindsight) that we have now, and that's the part I'm still sad about. In my case, I KNOW that my H's infidelity could have been prevented if we BOTH had known how to be better spouses. I'm not talking "perfection," because no one can or ever will be perfect, but there's a wide space between the way we were living our lives and perfection. <P>Just for the record, my H has suffered with depression too, so I know what you're saying. But in retrospect, I now see that my reaction to his depression was all wrong. I see that I actually resented him for being depressed a lot of the times. <P>Truthfully, I don't know if it would feel better or worse to have known there was <I>nothing</I> I could have done to make our marriage better. On one hand, I think it might bring me a little peace of mind to know that the outcome was completely out of my hands. But on the other hand, that might make me feel even more victimized than I already do. (Which I suspect is how you feel.) But knowing that there were many missed opportunities on my part also brings a profound sadness. <P>I, like many people on this forum, have a spouse who IS remorseful and who never chose to leave the marriage. My H made a very, very bad mistake based on some really crappy circumstances. He was remorseful and sorry from day one. This is why I KNOW I could have made a difference if I had the information about marriages that I have now. If my H had known how I really felt about him and our marriage, he'd have never cheated. I know this with every inch of my being.