Dear Starfish:

Not to distract, but please IGNORE any non-qualified person (which includes any therapist who has not met and assessed your husband with his informed consent) who throws around pseudo-psychological terms. Google University is not an accredited institution.

There are many reasons why people lie. Fear, guilt, shame, a desire to maintain the status quo...right now, only your husband knows what he hopes to gain from lying.

Hold your boundaries, but do not let these "reasons" factor into any decision that you may make.

BV (carefully stepping down from the soap box so I don't twist my ankle)

Just wanted to encourage you to follow through with that poly.

My STBX after dday 1+2 resisted poly and while we were at a MC session, "broke down" and told me "everything" and enthusiastically agreed to a poly. I didn't follow through because my gut told me he had revealed everything.

Not following through with that poly was probably my biggest mistake ~ because my STBX continued hiding his secret second life and basically led me into a 3+ year false recovery. Very painful and I would advise any BS to avoid this AT ALL COSTS.

Always follow through with the poly!

Excellent points!

Rough day... This is going to be a major challenge! Doing my best...

Thank you SusieQ! I agree. I have always planned to do it eventually, was just being stubborn and trying to make him pay some small price for his actions. Even though the greatest price was probably mine for not confirming. I will talk to him about it tonight so we can get one set up.

You have nothing to lose as it is, starfish. Your H has wrecked your marriage with his secret second life and will continue if you don't stop him. You WANT to lose that marriage otherwise you are damning yourself to a death of a thousand cuts. You only gain if he makes a radical 180 degree change.

Your only chance of achieving that is to show him that you have rock solid boundaries and if he wants to get through the gates, he has to raise his standards very high. That is the message you need to send him.

Also, if he insists on getting into your house and won't respect your request for no contact, can you go stay with your mother? You could leave the dogs at your home and he could take care of them.

At the beginning of Plan B, main focus is taking care of yourself and NO Contact with your WS.

He is contacting my sister instead of my IM from here. Says he doesn't trust the IM and doesn't want to share personal information. Why does he have to be so difficult? He received our tax return and asked my sister to ask me how I would like to receive my half. I told her to tell him nothing... he will have to contact our IM that I set up.

I could, but I don't want to... I want to be in my own bed...and comfortable in my own home. My mom doesn't have the room for me to stay... She and my sister live together and the third bedroom is an office.

Please ask your sister not to tell you anything. Ask her to tell him that he knows how he can contact you and you will only accept communications that way.

It's not uncommon for a WS to avoid using the IM. Don't let him guide this. This is here to protect YOU.

Let your sister know that you love her, and you need her support offline, which is why you have chosen someone else to be your IM.

Hang tough, it will get better.

This is how I responded to my sister:

Sister,

WH knows how he can contact me and I will only accept communications that way. �I love you and appreciate all of your support and this is why I have chosen another intermediary. �You are so many things to me and I don't want you to be involved in the logistics of all of this. �I am smart and doing what I think is right. �I need you as my sister and friend and I love you. �If you want to tell WH anything, just tell him that he knows how he can reach me, which is through the intermediary. �You don't need to be the middle man passing information... It's not your responsibility. �I love you!!!

Good job.

You will definitely need her support.


Ensure that she doesn't tell you if he contacts her again.

These aree holes in your Plan B that need to be plugged up.

Outsiders(non-MBers) won't understand that you don't want to hear anything. Just explain, to anyone who tries to pass on any info, that you are trying to protect yourself from the pain. After a short while, you will show signs of healing and people around you will understand that you are doing the right thing.

Did you eat today? Do you exercise? What about writing a journal? And make sure you get some rest. Even if you can't sleep, try.

And make sure you stay away from watching or reading anything about affairs, and possibly even love stories for a bit.

You'll get through this hun, and you'll be feeling much more like yourself in no time.

Cry, scream, grieve. This is going to be the hardest time you have in Plan B. And every moment that you want to contact him, don't. Just remember what this pain feels like and know that any contact you have with him will cause you to go through this all over again. I know I couldn't do it more than I had to endure already. It's too painful. Now, those memories seem like they happened to someone else.

There ARE success stories on here. You can look them up and read read read. Take time to take care of yourself though. You need it.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I did eat today and napped for an hour. I met my friend for some Sangria, chips and salsa. She didn't know anything, so I filled her in. Haven't seen her in a while, so it was nice to get out. Have the dogs with me outside right now and going to go to bed soon. I still haven't grieved yet... spoke with my IC about it this morning. Maybe I'm just being too strong and waiting till I know everything. She told me that it's ok and healthy to grieve about what I do know for a fact now. I really didn't realize my own strength through all of this until now.

I'm definitely staying away from the tv for the most part. I usually just listen to jazz...

You are doing a wonderful job, Star. Stay brave!

WH is refusing to use my MB IM. He said we don't know her and he will not discuss any personal info or financial info with someone he doesn't know. He said he would be willing to use my sister and my sister is thinking about it and will let me know later. I'm starting a list of guidelines for her, in case she agrees.

So far, I have the following:

1. Do not express opinion about anything.
For example: If he gets into a tirade about how immature I am for not speaking to him, etc., just pull out the pertinent information that should be passed on (if you can find one) and say, "Thank you for your email, I will let BW know that you will be dropping off a check at (location) on Wed. @ 1:00pm. Don't acknowledge the tirade and do not pass it on to me.

If there is nothing to pass on, politely say that "In accordance with BW's letter, this isn't something that can be passed on. If you have pertinent issues about the house or finances, I would be happy to pass that on."

2. Emails, texts, etc. sent to BW from WH:

I will forward any texts, emails, etc. directly to you that WH sends to me. Please respond to him that all messages that he sends to me are going unread, directly forwarded to you, then deleted. Remind him that all correspondence must go through you and only you, as you are the intermediary.

*Next I need to find a way to word how she cannot discuss or give information about one spouse to the other. Any ideas?

Any other rules that I should include?

My sister was a temporary IM for a while before I got a proper plan in place, and while it was preferable to being exposed to him, it was better when I switched to an MBer.

If I hadnt had an MBer volunteer, I think I wopuld have used a more detached friend as opposed to someone he knew personally. The waywards feelings or comfort level dont matter in Plan B.
They communicate with the IM or they dont get contact at all!

The main prob with using my sister was whenever I saw her, I could tell by her mood and demeanor 'how things were going'. It was also easier for him to scare her and shake her up than it was my MB IM who is pretty unshakeable and has heard it all before.

Even when she seemed ok, I was constantly scanning and judging her by what she said or didnt say, and guessing what might be happening.

When I got the MBer on board, that stopped for me and our family lost that source of tension.

You should also be prepared for him to next refuse using your sister as IM too. That is usually the next step in their campaign to get direct contact with you. What would the two of you do if he stopped talking to her too?

Good points Indie! He says because you are in the UK and he says he is concerned about fraud, etc. He doesn't agree with communicating with someone that we have never met in person.

I believe he has my sister and mom believing his concerns too and they also mentioned it to me this morning. I feel this is my plan and I should be able to make the calls. I didn't get to choose that he could have affairs.

I haven't responded to him and don't plan on it.

He doesn't get to choose the IM.

It's an attempt at control. Don't fall for it.

They are valid concerns
but
he doesn't get to choose an IM.

If your IM is to coordinate child visitation there is no big top secret personal info to exchange (time schedules/names/activities are used).
Financial stuff.....well, account numbers and SSN don't need to be given to IMs.

I don't see the oppurtunity for fraud there.

If an account number or SSN needs to be shared, perhaps he can tell IM that sis or his MIL will get that on a paper.

Really.

Your IM can send him an email telling him that she will not need anything that could be used for identity fraud from him. That she is the mode of communication about visitation and financial logistics and that account numbers and SSN are not needed by her.

Good!

When my sister was IM he told me to be more 'grown up' and communicate directly and that he wouldnt speak to my sister because she was pregnant.

Other Plan Bers have chosen IMs who were known to the WS and they were turned down because 'she never liked me' 'she takes your side' 'the IM wont treat me right, because of the exposure' or the more perfunct 'I dont wanna and you cant make me'.

Theres always a reason why the IM is unsuitable, is all I'm saying.

I find it funny that he is concerned about fraud. How can your IM turn the following sentence from him into fraud?

"I will comply with all her conditions in full" (!)

And he knows thats all he has to tell her for the IM is no longer needed.

You WANT him to hate using the IM. You want him to consider meeting your conditions so he doenst have to.

I would guess that after your sister becomes IM, and she refuses to pass on personal messages or listen to his tale of woe, she will become the next enemy who 'doesnt want to see us get back together after what Ive done'.

They ALWAYS refuse ANYBODY.

Only choose your sister as IM if you would rather have her do it for your own reasons.

Trying to choose one the WS likes is an impossible task.

The drunk is never going to like the bouncer who tells them they cant get in.