I've really been torn by that. In my work arena my whole life has been about children... I do think that they are quickly going to be filling in the blanks with their own messages in the absence of any information. I'm working on the plan tonight, taking the money in the morning, and seeing a lawyer while merrily typing away with emails to the OW's nearest and dearest.

It's been an eventful evening. He came over to see the kids and behave as if this were his hotel. After the children were in bed, I told him that he had a finite amount of time to respond appropriately or I would be taking control back of my own life. After he became angry (and I stayed calm and slow-talking), he said that he could not be with me anymore and was going off to kill himself... sigh. Not at the hospital, not here, so I called the OW. She had received a phone call from him and said he was "upset". I did engage with her and told her that this was emotional manipulation at its finest, having seen it once before in a "crisis" three years ago when I thought about leaving, and to have fun with that. It just seemed to me that there is nothing more fantasy bubble-popping than the reality that this man is not well.

Don't know if this was a mistake, but it felt right in the moment, so I went with it.

Oh, and PS - she told him that we had spoken, and boy-howdy, was he upset by that. Per the OW, he had told her that I WAS THE ONE that asked for a divorce, etc etc, and per OW, that I was the instigator of this. Don't know if she's authentic or not, and really don't care. He just texted me that he had had "an epiphany" that it was over. I responded with, "It's not an epiphany. It was getting laid. Know the difference."

In the future, every suicidal threat deserves a 911 call.
Every time.
No matter if you think he is serious, manipulative, or just blowing steam.
An automatic 911.
He will stop making such threats once outsiders are involved.

Thank you - I neglected to say that I made a report when I was at the hospital, but continued to worry out of love, I suppose, so did contact OW. Plan goes into effect tomorrow.

My H told me he the same thing same thing right after D-Day 1, that he and OW had dreamed it up as some kind of situation that I might accept. Completely thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Good for you for calling OW youself! Of course your WH was angry about that; he's scared you won't put up with his affair and his sorry-[censored] terms of solving the situation (at your emotional expense!) the way his distorted mind imagined you would.

I do agree that any suicide threats should be regarded seriously.

You sound like a very strong person. I am sorry that you are here.

Thank you - the strong moments are so fleeting! I feel strong, empowered, and then poof! They're gone. It's that topsy-turviness that is making me feel like that "nuthouse" could arrive in the further-off future without taking back control for myself, but I don't think I'm there now.

He seems pretty solid in his desire to end the relationship. He has said that he "can't forgive me" for creating such a bad marriage. Talk about distortion and projection as a useful rationalization tool. I figure exposure and an attorney, and we'll see where things fall. I'm not ready, but who ever is?

Exposure for sure! That MUST be done.

Harriet, what is your plan?

Your counsellors here are the best in the world, friend. Please listen to them, and more vitally, HEAR them.

You doubted the power of exposure at first. One little threat to his "split-time" life-plan (your "finite comment" followed by the chat with POSOW, and suddenly he's in "crisis"! Imagine the effect on him and her when everyone they know is aware of their behaviour!

BTW: "It's not an epiphany. It was getting laid. Know the difference."

For a rookie here, still looking for balance, that was a hugely insightful comment!

Harriet, where is your step-children's mother? Was your WH married when you met him? Was he married to his children's mother? Why did that relationship end?

The step-children's mother left when they were ages 1 and 2 with her own affair and substance abuse issues. My husband filed for divorce, and she didn't counterrespond and did not see them again until they were 6 and 7 years old. I was not involved with him.

I filed for divorce yesterday. I don't think he ever believed I actually would. It has sent his family into a tizzy. I probably screwed up by talking to him last night and letting him tell me how relieved he is that it is finally going "to be over". I've stopped all other contact now. I send the "love letter". New locks. No house access. He took the kids and left with a few bags of clothes. His parents arrived here last night and took the two older children. I have our youngest, and he will remain with me. The WH says that he won't contest anything in the divorce, and just wants half the money and visitation periodically. He doesn't want the house. He said if I sell, go for it.

The OW has stopped seeing him for now after the exposure. He has lost his job due to not going since exposure with their mutual friends, some of whom still work with my WH.

I've done these things. I feel so torn because it's still a future of financial ruin. We have little assets. Lots of bills. Emotional ruin, and now my two oldest are gone. I've sat in a bathrobe all day and have made arrangements to be gone from my own job through today at least. My youngest boy has been crying all day for his brother and sister. This is agony.

Do you ever worry that this plan a/plan b gave your spouse what he wanted - the easy out?

Harriet, I am so sorry for you and your kids. What matters is that Plan B gives you what YOU want, and that is protection from his abusive behavior. His affair is doomed and is crumbling right now. What he wants right now is an affair that is doomed and won't survive.

Hang in there,Harriet. There are many others here who are in Plan B who can help you.

Sure, they do like Plan B...at first. Until they realize what it means, then it hits home.

And as ML said, it grants you protection from their abusive behavior. There are plenty of people, as she said also, that are in Plan B who can help you.

I don't want divorce. I want marriage. I want my husband back and working towards recovery. I am in denial. I can't believe this has all happened so quickly. I can't believe that he won't stop the avalanche from starting.

He doesn't want to stop the avalanche because he's still deep in the fog.

Plan B is usually also a GREAT way to start pulling him out. Right now he probably thinks he can have both of you with almost no trouble. A properly worded Plan B letter will detail that that won't happen, that he will not have you at all if he stays with OW.

Think of it this way...your H is possessed by an alien. The alien does not care about you, it only cares about getting what it wants.

Yes, he is possessed... that's a perfect analogy. Okay, he has taken the kids and himself to his father's home, about 2 hours away from here due to the lost job, lost sex/OW rejection, divorce filed situation. Great. Now they have lost their home, me as their "mother", their schools and friends and normalcy routine. This is so cruel and selfish!!!!

My H is thrilled. He posted on Facebook (I forgot to "defriend" him in this whirlwind week, but that's rectified now) that he has never felt more light and free than right now. I wish I hadn't read that. He's never coming back.

What you have done is the most likely to restore your marriage. There are no guarantees, but by filing, you have legal protection. Now that you are in Plan B, you should drag the divorce out so it outlasts the affair.

Do you have an intermediary who can facilitate child visitation and any pertinent communications?

Do you mean he took only his stepkids when you say "mother"?

This is why Plan B is important for a BW. It shields them from this pain.

I'm pretty angry at the moment - the person who agreed to be the IM has backed out. I have family members who would be this would not be appropriate. I'm working on it. I would prefer to not have to pay someone to do it.