So this is a long story...
I should start by saying we are not married, we have been dating a year and a half. It is a long distance reltionship, he in Colorado and I am in California. I have flown to see him once about 7 months ago for a week,and while there were speedbumps in the way things happened around us, things between us, in my opinion, went perfectly.
Because of the financial crisis our country is in, he could no longer afford to live on his own. He works for a restraunt as a waiter, and most of his money goes to childsupport for his 4year old daughter that lives in another state. Thats a story for another time...
So because he cant afford all this, he moved back in with his mom, who currently lives with her boyfriend and his kids. Apparently, for the last three months, he has been sleeping next to his mom's boyfriend's daughter every night. He says all they do is cuddle and occasionally hang out. His brother had told me, and I had addressed the issue two weeks prior to discovery, and he denied it, saying that would be disgusting and she is like a sister. I discovered because her Facebook profile picture changed to them cuddling, him shirtless, and they are both in bed. She said she didnt know about me, and that they were an item, and she was in love with him. After fighting all night with him, he said he still wanted me and agreed to end his relationship with her. She would move out of his room, and he would avoid contact.
But she lives in the same house. He has no where to go, and she isnt going anywhere so that cannot change. And it may turn out she becomes a legal part of the family if their parents marry. I will never be able to escape her, and being so far away means I will never truely know what he and she are doing if they are home.
Through all of this I still feel like I can trust him but I am so hurt and so blindsighted by all of this that I feel numb...
We are corrently taking a break so I can consider what I want from us, after a brief dramatic arguement when his brother told me she might be pregnant, which my guy says he never slept with her so it couldnt be his even if she is pregnant... and she is trying and hoping activly to get him back...

I love him maddly, and everyone in my life is telling me im acting like an abused wife going back to the abuser, and I just dont know what to think. I want to be with him, but I dont want to live in paranoia... There will never be complete separation between them... At this point, I just would really like someone to tell me that I'm not crazy to still consider staying with him...

Thanks everyone, and my heart goes out to all those who suffer through anything like this.

Welcome and I'm sorry for your pain. Infidelity does not have a bias, everyone is susceptible to it, but thankfully you aren't married to him.

Please listen to your family, because he failed the interview to become your husband.

How old is this girl?

Thank goodness you aren't married and do not have children with him.

Please read this by Dr. Harley. Preparing for Marriage

You're a smart girl, so make the smart choice.

How old is this daughter? Few parents would give their ok to sleeping arrangements like that. Can you tell us? Is she a minor?

As for your relationship with him... sorry but he couldnt have made it any clearer that he is deadwood to be cut loose and that he has failed the husband interview.

This site holds a lot of advice for married couples on how to recover with someone who is truly repentant.

It is still very hard, even with that commitment made to each other in place.

With no commitment, and not even living near each other, it is nigh impossible. I'm sorry.

Unfortunately he is a renter. Only interested in short term deals. Read Dr H's article on renters, buyers and freeloaders. Next time you want a buyer. Someone who will help you build a life and will help fix any problems. Long term.

I understand that your pain is very real. This is because his sweet words (which dont match his actions) is like counterfeit money being paid into your love bank.

Cut off all contact with him, prevent him paying you those fake coins, and take time to properly heal.

Their parents were well aware of the arrangements and seemingly didnt care.

She is the same age as me and him, 23.

Dating is a job interview for marriage and you have a boy who lives with hims momma and sleeps with some other gal in his mothers house. You would be crazy to touch that mess with a 10' foot pole.

Find someone who lives close by, has no children, is grown up enough to live by himself and support himself and who isn't dating someone else. For your own sake, be more selective with your candidates. This guy clearly is a dud.

With parents like that they both sound like they deserve each other.

Allykitty, seriously. You can do better.

Do you understand the lovebank and emotional needs? The ten emotional needs are:



Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration



Ask yourself honestly how many of these did he meet (with actions not promises of 'some day'). Im guessing he met two or three tops, which is enough to create a feeling of love.

You can find a guy who can meet all ten - once you're past withdrawal from him.

Take EXCELLENT care of yourself and dont settle for less than you're worth.

i'm sorry, kitty, no one here is going to be able to tell you that you're "not crazy." you are in a position to make the best choices for the best life possible. why would you settle for a 23yo who already has a 4yo child, and still lives at home and is sleeping with another girl? then add on top of that that you don't live close enough to even see each other. his prospects are dire. do you not want better for yourself?

why are you hiding? have you wrapped yourself up with a "long distance boyfriend" to avoid being available to meet more eligible men in your locale?

if i could go back to my 23yo self and tell myself some cold, hard truths, i would say: you are at the height of your eligibility. when you are choosing a bf, you need to be as picky as possible to so that your future children end up with the best possible parents, and you end up with a true life partner. (by picky, i mean know what you want, and expect it.) there is no reason to put up with a poor relationship before marriage. before you get married, you should be in heaven with happiness! remember, the height you set the bar before marriage needs to be higher than what you're willing to settle for after marriage. and if a man can't toe the line before marriage, there's no hope at all.