I am new to this site but have been reading all the basics and such....I will keep this short for now but I am at the end of my rope and not sure where to go from here.....
I have totally ruined my marriage. We are married 30 years, married at 19 and 21. Of those years I have only been faithful to my husband when we had children at home. Even then I looked all the time.
Now I am so consumed with guilt that I can hardly stand it....I don't deserve to be married to him so I have left our home. He doesn't understand why but I can not tell him....he will be destroyed as will everyone who loves us. Most days I wish I could just die with my secrets so that no one else gets hurt. Husband has NO idea at all!!!!
I am fully prepared to be alone and pay the price, but I can't tell him why....we have 3 adult children who cannot know what a mess their mother is. They are innocent and I don't beleive that they deserve to have their lives turned upsidedown because of my stupid choices.
Please don't bash me....I do enough of that myself. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated though.
Thank you

First of all, if I am at all correct it is your duty to tell him.

Yep, it will hurt. I cannot understate how much it will hurt him.

The reason you need to tell him, and be absolutely honest (no tickle truths) when he asks you questions, is that you have been lying to him which robs your husband of the information he needs to be able to make informed choices about your relationship.

He'll be mad, probably lose his cool. Let him rant, rave etc...

Don't allow him to physically abuse you, that's not cool at all. If he does, call the police.

You need to tell friends and family what you have done.

Most people (including myself) are highly relieved to discover the truth of the adultery. All the mysterious signs (and hurtful behaviour) suddenly made sense and I realised it was NOT MY FAULT! Yes I would rather have had different news, but I DESERVED the truth. It HELPED.

You owe your husband and children the truth. The truth will not hurt them, it is your actions which have done that.

You only want to hold on to your secrecy for your own selfish reasons. You are afraid of what will happen to YOU. Please acknowledge this and TELL THE TRUTH.

This crushing pain you feel will not go away while the secrecy remains. You hurt your family and yourself with this crippling fear of telling the truth. You cant just pull a rug over this mould which is infecting all your lives.

I have two questions for you:

1) Can you find the courage and tell the truth with no thought as to what will happen to you?

2) Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make amends for your actions to your family?

Check out the quote in my signature. I promise you it will be as true for you as it was for me.

sadsam, welcome to Marriage Builders. Not telling your husband is about the cruelest thing you can do. Withholding critical information about his life makes it impossible for him to understand what is going on in his life. He has a right to know everything. And so do your kids.

Are you currently in an affair?

Sadsam777,

Welcome to MB. Nobody here wants to bash you, but we will also not let your wayward mind justify or talk babble without calling you on it. If you are truly remorseful and ready for action you will understand and welcome that.

So to highlight the main points of your story: 1) you were wayward for much of a 30 yr marriage 2) you have extreme guilt 3) you left because of the guilt, your husband of 30 yrs has not only been subject to 30 yrs of adultery but is now abandoned after a 30 yr marraige with NO EXPLANATION and NO ATTEMPT AT RECOVERY and is left to wonder why 4) you do NOT think it is necessary to tell the truth and 'hurt everyone' and... 5) you want advice. Really, do you need our advice here? Tell the truth. Tell the truth. If you are really remorseful and are concerned at making amends, tell the truth. Telling the truth will not hurt your family, the AFFAIRS will hurt your family, keep that in perspective. You want to continue the charade to protect yourself which to me does not show remorse.

Agree with this point. Genuine remorse is reflected by making amends to one's victims. There is no plan here to make amends, only a plan to continue to lie to them. So there is no remorse here.

But you do speak of guilt, sadsam. If you want to alleviate your guilt, you do it by making amends to your victim. Not by continuing to lie to them. If you want to do something about the guilt, then make this right. Do something RIGHT in your life, for once.

I lied and cheated and spun all kind of stories, just like you have. I came clean, made amends and now have a recovered marriage.


If you truly want help, you need to be honest with us and answer our questions as well.


With that being said; do you want to save your marriage or are you calling it quits?

Are you still in contact with your affair partner?

Please don't bash me....Any other advice would be greatly appreciated though.

You have asked for advice. You have asked here at MarriageBuilders for advice. Here at MarriageBuilders you have asked folks who, for the most part, have been in your BH's shoes for advice.

We are not here to bash you. We will be happy to advise you, and support you in following our advice.

Basically, you have morphed your incredible guilt into another cruelty perpetrated on your family. There is only one balm for that:

TELL EVERYBODY EVERYTHING!

That is the only "kindness" you can provide to them, now.

He doesn't understand why but I can not tell him....he will be destroyed as will everyone who loves us.

Put yourself in his shoes. What would you be thinking if he bailed on you after 30 years? Trust me - he's "destroyed" now!

3 adult children who cannot know what a mess their mother is. don't...deserve to have their lives turned upsidedown because of my stupid choices.

Forget "innocent". How "ignorant" do you think these folks will remain as they try to figure out what caused you to leave your home?

Warning: Many WWs come here looking for absolution and accommodation for their infidelities. They don't find it. What they find is the advice in the notes following your first in this thread. They often refuse, and start excusing, justifying and alibi-ing. That leads to frustration here ("She asked for advice; we gave it; she tells us we're wrong, she's "special"!)and the resulting discourse soon resembles "bashing". Avoid that path, take our advice:

TELL EVERYBODY EVERYTHING!

Sadsam777..I do hope you come back here. Tell your story. Get it all out here so you can get the best advise, which is to tell your husband and children. I never thought I would ever betray my husband. I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world and had the type of marriage many would envy. He was my husband and my best friend. I was one of those people that no one would suspect. My H and I always said we would never take the other back if we were unfaithful. What a surprise I got. My husband sent me a text one night from work asking where I was. I couldn't lie anymore and told him. I was with the OM at the time. He left work and came home. He kept texting me and calling me to come home and either talk this over or end it. I finally agreed to come home if we did not talk about it that night. He agreed. He had just enough time to calm down before I got home and all he could think about was wanting me back. Unfortunately, he fought for several months to get me back while I kept contact through texting and phone calls with the OM. Just a month ago, I broke all contact and tried to make my marriage work, but I was too late, I am now fighting to keep my H b/c he wants a D now. The night I told my H, I also told my 2 older children ages 23 and it was the 20th bday of my other son. My children were disappointed, but they don't hate me. They have continued to tell me they love me and that I haven't lost them. Now they are part of my support system to help me save our marriage.

Another thing. I would rather be honest then to let them imagine what is going on. I let my H believe whatever in the beginning, because I was mad and blamed him for letting the A happen.

We here are assuming you had an A. Tell your story and let these people help you. You will get great advise here.

Welcome and like all the other members have told you, I hope you heed their advice.

Here is some excellent material from Dr. Harley
Steps to Recover from an Affair

May the truth set you free. I know it did for me.

Children don't hate their parent because of adultery.

A spouse doesn't hate their spouse because of adultery.

Its a strange fact, but its true.

They hate the continuance of the affair. Continued lies and continued pain. They hate the affair. Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Stick around. Stick around and do the right thing.

sadsam, you are ducking when it comes to explaining exactly what you did that was so horrible. We'll assume you had an affair, yes?

I'm not going to spend a lot of time beating you up about that. You are already experiencing the fallout for that very poor, selfish choice.

But I DO have to address this:
You selfish, selfish woman! You think it's okay to hide secrets from him, but you've left him for no apparent reason and you think he's not hurting from that?? Are you kidding me?? How cruel are you?? Because you are selfish. Tell him the truth so that he at least has the truth about his life! For all you know, he's beating himself up every minute, wondering what he did wrong! Your actions are those of a thoughtless, cruel woman. Tell me why I shouldn't think this way about you. I suspect your children are mature adults who can handle hearing the truth. You just don't want them to think poorly of YOU. You are continuing to protect YOU by hiding this, an NO ONE ELSE. It's all about YOU right now, not your husband. Not your children. YOU are protecting only YOU.

I am very glad to see that you have come here. You're going to hear some things that might make you squirm - pay attention to those. They will help you. Stay here and learn, and hopefully save your marriage.

You do have to understand one thing: you can't play us with heart-felt sounding words to make us think you're being a Big Person and are protecting your family by hiding your damage to your family. We won't buy that. We'll see right through it and you'll get called on it every time until you learn the difference between hiding secrets from your husband and family, and actually protecting them. (Hint: you protect them by being faithful to your husband and their father.)

You have much to learn. Stay with us and we'll help you.

Thank you all for your advice so far. I do have some points first regarding quotes.......
Unwritten,
"continuing the charade": I DO NOT want to continue, that is why I am here revealing all that I have hidden for so long.

Melodylane,
"No plans to make amends".....I have only written one post asking for advice. How am I supposed to have a plan when I just got here??? That is why I am asking for advice.

"Do something RIGHT in your life, for once." Ummmmm you don't know me, and don't know anything about me except that I have had affairs and I am wanting to learn how to make amends.

Ok, now to answer some of the questions,
I have had no contact with the other man in over a year....NONE, NOTHING.

I have exposed myself to my family, a couple older, wiser people that I trust at my church (one whom I have asked to keep me accountable), and my counsellor about my affair.
I was hoping that it would be enough, but I see from the replies that it is not. It is hard to believe that anyone would really want to know about their spouse cheating.

I have started writing down my thoughts and deciding how I am going to tell my husband.
Not that it is an excuse, but my husband is a VERY difficult man. I married him and should have learned how to live with him instead of taking the cowards way to get the affirmation I thought I needed.

question.....
Why do my kids need to know??? Is it to ensure that I don't slip because I know they are watching me?? I am very close to them and I am not sure I would survive if they turned on me.

Because you shouldn't lie to your kids.

You have hurt them terribly, they deserve the truth, an apolgy and amends.

You haven't revealed anything. You're even dodging and weaving with us, perfect strangers.

Your children need to know because your actions directly affect the main support structure in their lives: their parents' marriage. They need to understand why there is stress in the house so they don't attribute it to themselves. They need to know that they have done nothing wrong. They need to know that their parents are human.

Do you need more than that? Like, what?

Please read this. A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Not to mention, you are assuming they don't already have their suspicions. Your children are not stupid. Your husband is not stupid. They have almost certainly suspected something was wrong, all of us have when we grow up in families like this.

Do you know what hurts the most for "us" children? The fact that our parents never admitted the truth and continue to lie, as if we were idiots who didn't suspect anything was wrong.

You've told everyone except those who have actually been wronged by you. Why is that? Is it because them keeping you "accountable" means never having to actually confess your harm to those you have brought it to?

You selfish, selfish woman! You think it's okay to hide secrets from him, but you've left him for no apparent reason and you think he's not hurting from that?? Are you kidding me?? How cruel are you?? Because you are selfish. Tell him the truth so that he at least has the truth about his life! For all you know, he's beating himself up every minute, wondering what he did wrong! Your actions are those of a thoughtless, cruel woman. Tell me why I shouldn't think this way about you. I suspect your children are mature adults who can handle hearing the truth. You just don't want them to think poorly of YOU. You are continuing to protect YOU by hiding this, an NO ONE ELSE. It's all about YOU right now, not your husband. Not your children. YOU are protecting only YOU.

You do have to understand one thing: you can't play us with heart-felt sounding words to make us think you're being a Big Person and are protecting your family by hiding your damage to your family. We won't buy that. We'll see right through it and you'll get called on it every time until you learn the difference between hiding secrets from your husband and family, and actually protecting them. (Hint: you protect them by being faithful to your husband and their father.)[/quote]

maritalbliss,

Ummmmmmmm thanks for not "bashing me" OUCH!!!!
Obviously you, maritalbliss are a wife who got cheated on.

I was not ducking.....What part of "I was unfaithful" (first post) and "I had affairs" (second post) did you not understand???
YES, I had affairs....3 Do you need the gory details too?

I apologize to the rest of you for that above but she is sounding a little nasty lol

I didn't want to come on here and complain about my husband or make excuses for my behaviour, because it is my sin not his.
I also know that if I say he was abusive and controlling, someone will say I am trying to justify myself, but he was, right from the words "I do".

I wanted some advice and support as I fix the mess I have made so I thank you who HAVE given me advice.

I have asked husband to meet with me in a couple days and am going to confess and tell him why I moved out. If he thinks we should tell the kids then I will do that also.
Next I am going to read Recovery for Wayward Wives.

Thanks again for the constructive advice.

I don't think the notion of making amends to one's victims is exclusive to Marriage Builders. That is what someone does when they are truly sorry.


Your affairs affect them too so they have a right and a need to know.


Of course they do. IF your bookkeeper steals your money wouldn't you want to know? He needs to know so he can protect himself and the kids from you.

I am very surprised that all these people in your life, especially the ones who ARE NOT holding you accountable, wouldn't insist that your victim know the truth? How is that "accountable?" There is nothing accountable about your continued deceit of your husband. Wouldn't you agree?

Nothing she could possibly say would be as "nasty" as your behavior. Committing adultery is nasty. A married woman taking her panties off with losers is nasty. Making a true statement, that you are selfish, is not nasty. I don't believe MaritalBliss has ever taken her panties off and committed adultery, so you might want to reconsider calling her "nasty." That is not the observation of only those who have been cheated on, but anyone with an IQ over 32. Adultery is nasty, nasty, nasty....