Hi all, this is my first post. Nice to meet you!

I found out about my H's affair on Feb 28. I went into his email and found an email from him to her, saying typical things like I love you, want to be with you forever etc (though other aspects of the email were odd, likd him telling her she wasn't losing her independence, that's what real relationships are about, spending more time together (apparently while I was away w my family one weekend he told her he'd stay over and she forgot and made other plans, he was hurt) and that he was concerned about how much she drinks and drives after work- she's a bartender).
This email was basically hilarious to me bc 2 yrs ago he got a DUI and I was saying those things to him and drove him back and forth to work for months when he couldn't drive.
We started MC, have had two sessions and he says he might want to try to salvage our marriage, but isn't sure bc he doesn't care about me and has no love for me and doesn't know how to get that back. ( Apparently he stopped loving me this past summer but lied and acted totally normal until I started noticing things at approximately the point his "friendship" that no one else knew about w her became physical)
He thinks he loves her (never felt this way about any woman before etc) but isn't sure and knows it may be a bad decision to be with her but says he still isn't sure about picking the marriage and me. I'd like to save our relationship bc I love him, but how can I when he really isn't sure and isn't really making much of an effort? More to the point, why should I? ? He's supposedly staying w a friend that lives closer to where he works but I don't know if that's true, guessing its not.
He's been asking me to do things, but only on his terms, like to dinner, but then he's going out afterwards and I'm not invited to that because he says he cannot relax. He did ask me to hold off on issuing divorce papers, not sure why.
So...should I even bother trying and spending time w him? I don't know how to decide. Such a part of me thinks not, and the other part thinks yes.
I'm sure I've left out tons of information that would make this more clear, please ask questions and thanks so much for any advice!

Welcome to MB.

How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Ages? How old are you both?

Do you know OW's identity? How did they meet - through work, at her bar, or does she live in your neighbourhood? Is she married or living with someone? Kids?

It sounds as if you are living apart, and he is still in contact with her. Is that correct? In fact, you are not even sure where he is living. Could he be living with her?

Do his parents and the rest of your families know about this affair? Do they know the reason he moved out?

Hello. We've been married 3.5 yrs, no children.
I'm 29, he is 34.
I have OW's email address and name from H's email. He met her at the bar where he went w friends after work, she works there. She gave him her number, he said he was married and she said it was ok, the can be friends. (he says this happened after he already checked out of the marriage)
She's divorced, w 2 older kids (she is older than him and older than me). Kids are with their father where ever they lived before.
He's staying at our house 2 nights a week because he says his friend works those nights so he cannot thereby his house alone. He says he emailed OW and told her he needed to sort out his life so he couldn't contact her any longer (approximately a week after I found out), but I don't know anything for sure bc I no longer have access to any accounts of his. He says once he fully commits to trying to reconcile he will change everything back and I will have access again.
My family knows, most of his family knows (I told them, he told them we grew apart and that I did nothing wrong but that we were getting a divorce). Yet he hasn't filed for divorce.

So, I think he's still seeing her, or has some contact with her and is trying to chose. Or maybe she doesn't really want the level of seriousness he wants and he doesn't want to be alone.

MC says he has shut down and his way of dealing is to avoid.
He looks like a total zombie and has lost 35 lbs, he's super scary skinny and he says it's due to guilt.

Does your MC have a plan for you to recover your marriage? Does s/he talk about NC, transparency and rebuilding the marriage? What happens in the sessions - do you talk a lot while s/he listens?

I'm wondering how it helps to know that he has shut down and is avoiding. Does the MC have a strategy to end that situation?

He doesn't seem to have a concrete plan yet. He seems to be working on trying to help H (and to a lesser degree me) determine if we want to rebuild the marriage. We have gotten a few worksheets to complete, and he gave us his guidelines on how he counsels, and advised H to go into IC to work on why he shuts down, what in his past lead him (he has a complicated family history including a lot of loss). I am not sure if H will go bc it's typically him going along w. what I decide, or tell him I think he needs to do. For example he has started asking me what issues I think he should work on if he decides to go to IC. I am in IC myself and am starting to try to determine my own needs as this is happening. I really let a lot go to basically take care of whatever H didn't want to do.
I plan on starting to address to affair in MC this coming week, because I think the idea of NC needs to come from the therapist, not just the articles and books that I have been sending H to try to help him.
I guess I just don't know, is this normal, should I stick with it for a while even if he's not fully committed to really determine if he wants to try to reconcile even though we do not yet have confirmed NC? That's really why I have been hanging in even though everyone is telling me to go.

I just went into his cell acct and found texts nearly every minute between them. Clearly nothing has ended. Sigh, guess I expected it. Guess MC is over unless he changes his situation.

The two nights a week he spends at your house are the nights he is not allowed to spend with her because her children are there, I am guessing.

Hi Moving Onward. Sorry you are here. I can identify with the pain you must be feeling and I know must be very hard for you. With all due respect, you have no kids, so please take some time to consider if this marriage is worth saving. Sounds like he has not so far been willing to make a choice. please take some time to think about if this is worth the pain for you, and don't worry about his pain, think about you. Where do you want to be in two years? in five or ten?

Ask for a Landline (Yes a phone plugged into a wall jack) where your Husband is staying so that you may confirm where he is staying.

This will allow you to get two key pieces of information (most of the time):

Address and Name associated with the phone.

If he doesn't give you a number, his (liar, liar) pants are on fire.


I also suspect that this is correct.

I was wondering about that, because he had a similar schedule this winter when I didn't know about the affair, but it was definitely in full swing then. He'd be "going out w friends" after i went to bed to go to work thr next day (hes laid off in the winter) and come home at 3 am except those days.
Although I assumed it, it was really difficult last night to see it in black and white online. I stupidly still want to believe in him.
He says he's reading all the infidelity books I got him, said he completed the MC worksheets...why and how would he do that and still want to be with her? Why bother as he's repeatedly said he doesn't love me any more.
Also a weird thing, he moved out of our master bedroom into our spare and put on his dresser our Christmas photo together, a bear dressed in a wedding tuxedo I got him as that's my pet name for him and a bear Easter basket w Easter things still in it that I got him as a silly present last yr. Those things were not in our master bedroom before, he had to move them from different places (like the photo was packed away as its in a holiday frame) to put them there. Is he just trying to screw w me?
I am at my parents tonight as well for the holiday and he said he's driving here to see me. I want to see him, but now I'm thinking it's not a good idea.

Oh wow. I just re read my post and I sound so spineless. That is not me at all. I would be telling someone else to run far and fast. When will I be able to take my own advice and not want it so desperately to be different and for me to be wrong?
I'm trying to be strong and not talk to him much except about the house or our cats, to maintain my composure and not suggest things for us to do, wait to see if he'll make plan s... But then I mess up. For example him saying he'll come here tonight to see me is because he asked me what to do and I got angry as he was asking me what to do again after our MC told him he lets me lead all the time and said he should be doing things like making the effort to come up here (it's an hr away). Now I'm angry w myself as even if he shows up it was my idea.

When do you plan on living in the same house full time?

Moving, you are just over a month since DDay and you didn't have a plan, it's expected that you might come across as "spineless" but since many of us have been where you are, we know that it is pain that you are expressing.

Click on the Newly BS link in my siggy and it will help guide you through this site. Pay close attention to Plan A and Plan B.

Your MC will be a complete waste of time as long as the Affair is still on-going and as long as there is contact, the affair is on-going.

Do you know who OW is? Do you have her contact info? Does she have a FB account? You should get a copy of her friend's list and save it in a word document. Follow this thread about exposure, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Welcome to MB, and I am sorry that you find yourself here.

I sent him an email last night saying we need to be living together wo him being out until 3 am each night to try to make this work. I have been staying w my parents bc being in the house alone night after night just wondering where he was was making me crazy. He hasn't responded to the email.
I know OWs name, and cell number but I cannot find her on FB at all. I sent letters to the addresses I found for her (I think it was her parents or ex in laws and her ex H) advising them of the affair but have not had any replies.

He texted tonight and said to go ahead and file, he's going to sign. So so sad. :-(

My bull-puckey meter went off on this one. He can't sleep in his friends house alone?? Why, will his friend's parents get mad? That's what he really means.
I think she's married and separated from her husband so she could carry on an affair. I suspect she threw her husband out of the house but agreed to let him come home 2 nights a week so he can see his children and to appease him. The chance is very good that she is still sleeping with her husband and having sex with him. It's called cake-eating. That's why your husband comes slinking home on those nights.

I think you need to track down her husband.

He's doing all of this so he can say he 'really, really tried'. I'd skip the MC. And the business of WH going to IC to figure out why he's 'shutting down' or whatever. The reason he's avoiding dealing with anything is because he's having an affair. Waywards don't 'deal' with it because the logical way of dealing with it would be to end the affair, and they don't want to do that.

I would also skip giving him literature. It is difficult to educate them while they are foggy and eyeballs-deep in an affair, for the same reason I mentioned above: they will see the logical thing to do, and they don't want to do that.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT tell him about this website. If he comes here he will see your posts and our tools to killing affairs. It will damage your efforts. Later, after the affair is dead, sure. He should come here so we can help you both. Not right now, though.

Moving, can you go back to your house? I fear that your WH will move into your home with OW. We've seen that a lot here. I know it's hard to be there, but it will help.

Any time your WH wants to see you, he'll need to go back to his home, where familiar "home" things are. This may meet an EN for him. You will have the house looking great, with one of his favorite meals in the oven. YOU will be looking great, and you'll be at your best and calmest. (I know this will be difficult, sweetie. Practice this until you can do it.) You want to be his port in a storm. You want him to leave the house, feeling a pang because he is leaving a situation that was warm and comforting to him. This is going to cause him to be conflicted, and you want that. You want him to go back to OW with conflict in his heart.

You don't sound spineless. You sound like a woman who just had her world flipped over. I think you're doing great!

I'm going back to the house, it's insane for me to be driving around so much to work and back to not be there. He did not say if he would be coming back. I reiterated that he needed to do so to work on us.

I am going to do my best to implement plan A, regardless if he says he will sign for now. He says signing doesn't mean he's decided the marriage is over, he is still not sure what to do. I think I can do plan A instead of moving into B. What do you all think? I am trying to strengthen myself while going through this.

As far as I know he doesn't know about this site. He posted on surviving infidelity.com a month ago, they told him he had to stop seeing her to start clearing the fog and to expect it'll be very difficult to do, and then he never posted again.
I'm just so scared for him, he's had a DUI (highest level)that I know he's struggled to learn from, she had a DUI (highest level), and she's a bartender. Clearly it isn't going well for her as in the email I read from him to her he was telling her how worried he was when she drank and drove afterwards.

He's just so foggy, he keeps saying now that if he really loved me enough he never would have done this to me.

Any ideas on how to find her ex Hs info? I ran 2 background checks last night and nothing seems to come up. I really want to find him.

Thank you for all of the support everyone. I don't want to continually burden my parents and friends as they all loved him and I know this is a betrayal of their love also.

www.intelius.com might help. Also, go online to your county auditor's website and do a search of her last name. If they own a house it will come up. If he's an owner you'll probably find him. (Bonus: if you DO find him and his property address, you'll probably have just discovered where your WH has been staying.)