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Dr Harley wrote this to a pastor who came on our board once and was telling men their wives should "submit" to their sexual desires, no matter what" "Uh, where do I begin. I can't tell you how many couples I've counseled where one spouse did just what you suggested -- sacrifice their own enjoyment for the pleasure of their spouse.
The reason I'm counseling them, of course, is that the one doing the sacrificing eventually can't take giving without receiving anymore, and wants a divorce.
One recent cases that comes to mind is a pastor's wife. He gave your message to his wife throughout their marriage. They have reconciled, but only because he finally understands the concept of mutual care. Unless both he and his wife enjoy their sexual experience, she comes to hate it. Now they make love almost every day, not out of sacrifice, but out of mutual enthusiastic agreement. By the way, they've given up OS.
It's dangerous stuff you're recommending. It ruins marriages."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
But how do you explain why his WW was willing to do oral for OM but not BH?
If his WW says that performing oral was a reminder of her affair and a trigger, that might be an adequate explanation. But it does not compensate for 17 or 20+ years of patience and self-denial.
God Bless
Gamma
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I have never ask W for OS because I knew she did not like it. It is the fact that she did have OS with the OM I have a hard time with. And she is probably very disgusted about that. Wouldn't you rather her be disgusted with him than you? She did the right thing with you. She did the wrong thing with him in every way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
But how do you explain why his WW was willing to do oral for OM but not BH?
If his WW says that performing oral was a reminder of her affair and a trigger, that might be an adequate explanation. But it does not compensate for 17 or 20+ years of patience and self-denial.
God Bless
Gamma You are making this situation worse because you don't understand the difference between a buyer and a renter. He has not "self denied" at all, that is ludicrous.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr Harley wrote this to a pastor who came on our board once and was telling men their wives should "submit" to their sexual desires, no matter what" "Uh, where do I begin. I can't tell you how many couples I've counseled where one spouse did just what you suggested -- sacrifice their own enjoyment for the pleasure of their spouse.
The reason I'm counseling them, of course, is that the one doing the sacrificing eventually can't take giving without receiving anymore, and wants a divorce.
One recent cases that comes to mind is a pastor's wife. He gave your message to his wife throughout their marriage. They have reconciled, but only because he finally understands the concept of mutual care. Unless both he and his wife enjoy their sexual experience, she comes to hate it. Now they make love almost every day, not out of sacrifice, but out of mutual enthusiastic agreement. By the way, they've given up OS.
It's dangerous stuff you're recommending. It ruins marriages." Okay, then that begs the question: lights, were you holding up your end of that give and take?
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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LO, people who are in affairs, addictions, etc, do horribly degrading, disgusting things they would never do otherwise. This situation is no different. In affairs, the partners typically are freeloaders and/renters who engage in sacrifice, ie: win/lose.
You know your wife finds OS unpleasant, surely you would never want that in your sex life, would you? Because that would wreck your sex life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Whenever my W told me she was uncomfortable with OS I have never pressured her for it because I knew she did not enjoy it.
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Whenever my W told me she was uncomfortable with OS I have never pressured her for it because I knew she did not enjoy it. ' That is because you are a loving, caring husband who cares about his wife. You did the right thing because if you would have pressured her, it would have caused an aversion. And what kind of a jerk pushes a woman into sex acts she finds unpleasant? A jerk, thats who!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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LO, sexual relations in a filthy affair are about as romantic as 2 pigs rutting in the pig pen. What she did with that pig was waller in the pig pen. She degraded herself in every way.
What she does with you is completely different, as it is based on love, respect and honor. There is no comparison. NONE.
The OM can't compete with what you have with your wife, my friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OM got the very WORST of your wife. The WORST. You have had the BEST.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I never pressured her because I was sexually abuse by a cousin when I was about 10. I know what is like to be forced to do something you don't want to do. I have never told anyone about the abuse and only told my W within the last 6 months.
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I never pressured her because I was sexually abuse by a cousin when I was about 10. I know what is like to be forced to do something you don't want to do. I have never told anyone about the abuse and only told my W within the last 6 months. So ask yourself what kind of a man does that to his own wife? You are a good man who cared about his wife. That RAT, the OM, didn't care about your wife.  He treated her like a pig.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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LO, I understand you are hurt. And you have every right to be upset. Here is why I think you should be upset, though. She had secrets with that RAT to which you weren't privy. Not telling you the truth was a double betrayal. For that, she should be ashamed. She played trickle truth with you.
That is the crime here, lightsout. Not the fact that she degraded herself with the OM and didn't with you. You were the good guy with her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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LD,
I think one question for your WW would be did she avoid oral with you over guilt about what she did with OM?
Melody, I don't think you understand how important giving and receiving oral is to some guys, and what a sacrifice it is not when we don't get it.
This is one of the bad problems about deeply buried affairs, in that it ruins a couples sex life for years.
God Bless
Gamma
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Thanks Mel I have almost 35 years invested in this marriage. I do still love my W. Now that she has health problems I would fell bad just walking away. I think I an going to call her in the morning and ask her if she will talk with Dr. Harley. She definitely does not want a divorce.
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Melody, I don't think you understand how important giving and receiving oral is to some guys, and what a sacrifice it is not when we don't get it. No, it is not a sacrifice to not be able to FORCE your spouse to your will. And I would ask that you let us help this poster and step aside. You don't understand the concepts and are not helping one bit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Gamma she told me today that she hated it but he insisted. I hope that is what ended the A
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Thanks Mel I have almost 35 years invested in this marriage. I do still love my W. Now that she has health problems I would fell bad just walking away. I think I an going to call her in the morning and ask her if she will talk with Dr. Harley. She definitely does not want a divorce. lightsout, I think that is a super idea. Your marriage has a better chance today than it did yesterday although I know it doesn't seem like that. The truth finally came out. Your wife made a huge mistake not telling you the full truth years ago. But that can be overcome. Telling the truth is the first step towards recovery. And your approach towards OS is EXACTLY RIGHT, I assure you. If you had pushed on that issue, it would have been bad.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Gamma she told me today that she hated it but he insisted. I hope that is what ended the A Did you read the Dr Harley quote I posted above? A pastors wife wanted a divorce for that very reason. It is absolutely repellent to be pressured into doing something you don't want.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank Mel I appreciate the advise. I am sure not going to a regular so called counselor.
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