Doro, You have no idea how encouraging you post is. Your husband seems to be processing Dr. Harley's words and acting upon the info. If he wasn't at least considering R why would he be doing this? It may seem like a slow process, but I think you have turned a big corner here. Keep it up, girl!!

There's so much going on in your world, right now Doro, keep us informed, good luck with that job!

I think you can honestly say now, can't you that all the things you have done since coming here have benefitted you no matter what happens now.

You have given your BH a very good view of a safe MB marriage, that he could enjoy to the full with you. It's his call, but knowing as I do that the riskiest type of spouse is the 'I would NEVER category' I honestly would rather recover with a truly repentant wayward than start from scratch with someone who is clueless about the risks. Just one BWs opinion!

Realise though he has a LOT of resentment and it is going to take time and a mountain of effort. I think you are benefitting from the efforts so far, though. Kind of like exercise.

Not all that much to update. We had another appt with SH last week. I talked with Steve about making my plan for meeting BH's ENs- writing it down and checking stuff off(while I had a plan in my head before, I hadn't been writing stuff down and stuff).

I got rid of my crutches on friday (yay!), which means now I can do a better job of meeting his #1 EN, RC. As he told me recently, partly joking but mostly serious, that I'm no good to him with only one leg. So now I have TWO legs. Unfortunately, I've got to go to physical therapy, and I am actually slower walking than I was on crutches, so it will be like he's recreating with his grandma...but STILL. I am really happy that I can at least start trying and we can spend time together outside doing stuff.

We also talked with Steve about a conversation BH and I had earlier. BH had said that he didn't know if God wanted us to be married. Steve talked with us a bit about adultery and the bible and stuff.

I had to come back to my parents house, out of state, for my final Dr appointment and now I can go back to work, I'll be here another 4 days. BH told me last night that I needed to come back soon because he's running out of food...since we were back living together I'd started cooking a lot. Something I did when we first dated, but not really since then. I had always wanted him to take care of all the 'male' chores, but I didn't really care to do the 'female' chores. I've since figured that if I want him to step up and do men stuff, then I needed to do my stuff. The funny thing is that I actually really enjoy cooking for him and doing stuff like that. And he really likes eating it.

Whenever I tell him 'I Love you', he always says, "okay" or something like that. Last night we were saying goodbye on the phone and I said, "I love you", and he said 'I love you too'. It was the first time since DDAY he's said that, but I think four years of habit made him slip up and that he didn't really mean to say it. It may sound stupid, but I'm happy with a slip up 'I love you' or an accidental kiss.

Still haven't heard about the new job. I'm planning on quitting my job now in probably 2 months, so I can be back home in the state full time (instead of gone working for a total of about 10 days a month, with the remaining 20 off). We decided I can't quit now, b/c I was off of work for so long d/t broken leg, that we are drowning in debt and bills.

Yes, I know that everything I've done will be/is good for me in the long run, irregardless of what happens with my marriage. Because I've been spending so much time with BH, it makes me that much more attached to him and love him that much more, which then in turn makes me that much more scared he will decide to D.

In the beginning, right after DDAY, even though I truly did want to recover, I would sometimes get so scared about what his decision would be that in my head I would be thinking of a back up plan if we ended up divorced. Not back up plan guy, but a "I guess I could always move to this state and do ___fill in the blank___" if the M doesn't work out. It was my own way of trying to protect myself, but then it would cause me to start building a wall around myself which is no good, because I can't truly love him how I'm supposed to with a wall between us.

I'm pretty sure it was just me being selfish again, and thinking about myself and my feelings. I've talked to him about this a bit. In regards to the future, I'm trying my best not to think about the bad things that could potentially happen (D) and focus on the future in which he's happy and healed and we both love each other, and making that a reality by sticking to all the changes I'm making.

That sounds like a good update, keep up the good work!

Haha, an accidental I love you? Hmmm yeah, I've never done that! Plus its rather a strange coincidence he made the slip up after weeks of getting his lovebank filled up and not before. Very odd.

Will you be separated long for work? How does Steve advise you handle it?

This stretch is about 8 days or so, it was the only way I could make it work to have my Dr appt and still be able to work a few days in one trip. When I get back, we have about 5 straight days off together. Normally when I work, I'm only gone for 4ish days.

Steve said to tailor my plan to fit being apart. Obviously it's going to sort of suck and be a much crappier version of an in-person plan, but we're adapting. Trying to talk on skype and lots of emails on my part.

Oh, Steve also said I should be going over my EP's with BH about every 5 days or so.

Sounds good. How about making yourself accountable while away? Has that been covered?

Yes and no. I stay at my parents house when I'm gone so there is pretty much accountability built in....my parents would be the first people to tell on me if I was doing something shady. He has my schedule of everything I'm doing and I let him know by txt/call if anything changes or pops up.

I still don't have an internet spying thing on my computer- his choice(before you guys all yell at me!) He wanted to wait till I'm working again b/c of the money.

Were you thinking along the lines of something like this or something else?

Sounds good to me, though accountability in recovery isn't exactly my strong suit.

Its just that the littlest things can trigger him and if it happens while you're away (just you going away is likely to be a trigger) you don't want to leave any wiggle room for doubt.

Is spyware very expensive? I'm sure there are some free versions.

I tried a free version, but neither one of us could really get it to work. The one we were going to buy was like $100- which is half a session w/Steve (priorities...) I told him that it was a priority for me to get it as soon as I get paid, and he agreed.

Just got off the phone with him...we are planning on going on a little road trip camping next week when I get back home.

As he gets more and more "on board" you two may want to invest in the online or home study course.

It's a slightly better deal than the per-session rate... and has some tremendous perks and benefits.


Ah... camping. Had some fun times there...

Doro,

I have seen your post on this site for awhile now but have not read it. After seeing two of your post on different peoples threads I felt compelled to read your story. I will be honest, I did not read all 42 pages but I read enough to relate. There are a lot of differences but at the same time we have a lot in common. I feel moved by your progress and feel like we are both on the same page.

I wish you the best in your recovery!!!

Fifteen

I saw you posted to LNL2, so I'd guess you're back from your sojourn in the woods. How are things going?

Thank you 15- that means a lot. I've followed your story also (I find that I can learn so much from other WW's stories and the advice people give them)

Things are going pretty well I think. We've been spending a lot of time together(when neither one of us is gone for work). This past week he has been much more affectionate, and kissed me for the first time since DDAY. He is defintely making an effort (and succeeding) in meeting EN's and not LBing. We both have 'homework' from Steve to write down a day by day plan of meeting each others ENs. He told me that when he talked to SH this week, that he told steve that he felt indifferent about saving our marriage or quitting. Steve told him that indifferent was better than anger.

I guess it's sort of odd to me a little bit, because even though he says he's indifferent, his actions don't say that at all. He's been including me in his plans and asking my opinion about stuff, and we've had conversations about stuff in the future (initiated by him).

I'm just continuing to stick to my EPs and try my hardest to meet his ENs. I'm just so happy and grateful that we have been able to spend time together and that I have more time to show him that I'm sorry and that I love him.

I find out tuesday if I get "The Job". I'm 98% sure I'll get it, b/c they called me last week and told me I pretty much got it, but they're interviewing one more person on monday, so they'd have to really really really like the person on monday, b/c they've already paid a lot of money to start getting me credentialed at the facility. BH is really excited about that b/c it means that in about a month and a half, I won't have to travel to work anymore.

Good luck!

Doro,

This all sounds like good news. Good luck with the local job.

AM

GREAT news about the job. Fingers crossed for ya(and toes too).

Being a BS, I can understand his indifference right now.

His actions show that he is truly trying, and that is a good thing. I just hope that you don't become complacent, because this is going to be a long hard road. He may decide in a few months that he just can't do it. Although, with Steve helping you out, you two have a better chance than a lot of others.

Keep it up. You're doing great, and you're well on your way to earning you "F".

Little update...but in order to update- there's some back story.

OM #1 was one of my clinical instructors. After I told BH about OM#1, even though we hadn't heard of MB, we knew NC was important. B/c I was in school, I think I had to see OM maybe 2-3 times after DDAY, and then no more. Because he moved out of state. (and this is where it gets somewhat weird). He moved from the midwest, where I was in school, out west to the mountains...the to the exact same city my BH lived in (where I lived before I went to school). At this time, I'm still in the midwest for school. When it comes time to find a job out west, my chances were cut drasticaly, since OM was working at one of locations that hired people like me. I tried to get a job in our city, but it was a no go- I could've gotten a job in another state in the western part of country, but BH didn't want to move.

So that's when we decided that I would commute to work in the midwest, and we could still live out west. I'd only have to work about 8 days a month, and it'd get me some experience. The place where I got a job in midwest, was the place where OM#1 used to work. (yes, I am very aware now how dumb we were for both of us to be okay with me working there, even though OM wasn't there anymore)

I started working, no issues. Well the last week I was at work late, I was looking at the schedule for the next day, and I see OM#1's name on it. I literally felt physically ill, and was filled with dread. As soon as I got out of work, I called BH. I told him about it immediately. I still hadn't heard if I got the new job yet. I obviously knew I'd have to quit my job, if this guy had moved back to the midwest. Talked about it with BH, and told him I'd quit right away if he wanted. The crappy part, is that I'd been off work for 3 months for my broken leg, and we are literally broke. Like credit cards maxed out, few hundred dollars in the bank broke, so it wasn't an issue of 'we can't maintain our country club lifestyle if I quit'. More of, 'we can't pay our taxes and buy food'.

Anywho, we decided to sort of wait till I heard about my job. Thankfully, 4 days later, I found out I had gotten the job out west (thank God!). Unfortunately, I might not be able to start new job till July, but we decided if I work a few more weeks, then we should be able to manage, even if I'm out of work for another month and half till I can start my new job. So I told work, I was quitting- I've got 8 days left working there, and I looked on the master schedule and thankfully OM will only be there a few of those days. Thankfully, I don't have to work with him, or even ever talk to him.

As you might imagine, this definitely caused some issues and brought up a whole bunch of bad memories for both BH and me. We are still together, and no divorce filed, so that is good. The one positive side to this whole situation is now we know OM #1 will not be traipsing around our city, and he will be 1000 miles away.

We are just praying that I can start the new job in June, as opposed to July, because things are going to be pretty tight. But it's totally worth it, b/c I feel so much relief that I only have a few more days of working back there.