Yes, ma'am!

Thanks Zhamila.

I believe we are working on MB, me moreso than H since I have more free time to read.

Thank you for helping me with my feelings. It's not a trust thing regarding travel. I trust him. As I said before, I do not want to open any doors (not even a crack) that could lead to damaging our marriage.

It is ok that I feel that way. And I don't have to compromise on this.

I will discuss with H about calling SH.

We are more than short on $$ since I'm a recent SAHM.

"I am not responsible for the love I feel for my H. I am not responsible for the love I feel for my H. I am not responsible for the love I feel for my H...."

Thanks NED. He really is struggling with his job, and I hate to add to the "pressure" with my feelings on travel. I think he kind of feels like he has no choice...but we can figure this out.

The SF issue did come up, and just as I suspected he was feeling angry that I hadn't met that need. It wasn't for lack of trying! The night before last I did realize that he didn't shut the door completely on it, but I was feeling hurt and didn't initiate. I wish I did.

We had SF last night, and it was very nice. He said he missed me, and I did too.

I prefer SF in the AM but H gets up for workat 6:15...I am not a morning person. We did talk about his wanting to get in bed by 10:30 at night to sleep, so I have a better timeframe on when everything needs to get finished. We usually workout from 9-10pm. I think we are figuring this one out.

My H took off today and tomorrow from work to attend a freedom ministry class at church. I'm so glad he is open to learning. I will be praying for him.

I really appreciate your support and encouragement.

Concentrate on this.

When you get enough UA, and are enjoying it, every other problem will seem much easier to tackle.

Thanks Prisca. We talked last night about changing his schedule from 8-5 so he can workout in the morning. I could then workout during the day so he doesn't feel so hard pressed to get everything squeezed in. He works 7-4 right now but the work environment frowns upon actually leaving at 4. Might as well go in later IMO!

I guess we'll see.

Why not workout together? Deposits in the ol Lovebank.

Dr. H told me himself that gyms are not good places for spouses to go alone. This can count as UA time also?

Hi Anointed!

Ugh - I do wish you could counsel with SH. Somehow it really helps to have an expert 3rd party helping out. I'll pray for your marriage & the $$.

Have you ever thought about writing to Dr. H & Joyce on the radio? They always answer your questions, might send you a book, and if you're on the radio, they will even write you back personally! The three interactions I had with them over the past year kept me hanging on. I am so grateful!

Go Anointed!

(I couldn't resist)

Thanks BH.

We actually do workout together now, and it's ok. My H gets focused on the workout, and i don't feel much connection on my side. I would prefer doing something else together at night or for H to interact with me instead of silence.

Since we need to get in bed pretty much when we get home, the UA time just isn't meeting my needs.

I actually have been on the show. You can listen to it if you look at my previous posts. Prisca posted them and summarized it.

But that was about exposure...not this other stuff.

Yesterday I went in to see another counselor at church, and they have an affair recovery program that looks intense! I'm thinking this would benefit me greatly even though d-day was almost 9 years ago.

I have some more recovering to do.

I know y'all can see it, and now I can too.

What a ride, right Zhamila?

Did you talk to DH about coaching with Steve H?

I know cost was a concern, but can you swing it? Look how he's helping Zhamila?

Whee! Anointed, "It's all fun and games til someone gets their eye poked out!"

So, that's awesome you've been on the radio! Actually I do remember now, back in December, right?

For us, I realized that I wasn't able to get through to my H. I'd tried honesty, respectful persuasion, everything. Nothing worked. I had done all the work I could do on myself, and he wasn't joining me. I was unsuccessful in motivating him to come along with me in our relationship. SH has been able to give my H the incentive and long-term vision that is motivating him (so far...we'll see how it goes)!

Perhaps you could call the office and ask their opinion on coaching v. online program? The online program is cheaper but there is still accountability and outside support. We were too far gone for that - because I asked.

SH told both of us that this is often the case: spouses will listen to a 3rd party, but not to each other, until they 'learn" to listen to each other. Crazy, huh?

Maybe a cheaper way would be to see if your H would post here and see what kind of help and advice he might get?

Still praying and cheering you on! ((Anointed))

When you really examine Love Busters, the states of mind in marriage, and the Love Bank model, it's not that crazy.

You see, you say you used "honesty and 'respectful persuasion'" trying to convince your H to come on board?

Here's the issue, the line between "respectful persuasion" and Disrespectful Judgements is razor thin. Not to mention, what I may consider a "respectful persuasion" towards my wife may be percieved as a Disrespectful Judgement to my wife.


So, why then, would a third party have better luck?

With continued attempts to have my needs met by my wife in ways which I percieved to be respectful, but were found otherwise by a non-initated wife, I have driven my LB$ balance with her into the red. She is in a state of conflict or withdrawal.

A third party - specifically a professional in this case - will have better chances because they have a neutral LB$ balance. When they speak to a spouse, they are not up against a raging taker.

Building and protecting your LB$ balances is why MB is a "narrow path" through and through.

Anointed, what fun FC and UA time do you have planned this weekend?

I did talk with H yesterday about coaching. It is just not feasible.

I also asked if he would post here since it is free, but he said he is not interested in spending his free time doing this. I told him that it was basically free counseling from people who are "doing" it, but it was a no go.

I was really disappointed because it would really fill up my LB$ to read from his perspective.

Zhamila and HHH,

I am not opposed to counseling with SH. I will pray hard for wisdom in how to approach my H. I can't know this for sure, but maybe since I am not at the door with my stuff ready to leave he doesn't feel it is dire?

We also are 5 weeks pregnant again.

No UA time planned over the weekend. Just went to soccer games and laid around the house.

It wasn't bad, but I wouldn't say my LB$ is full.

I'm sure my H feels the same way.

I mentioned to H that maybe we could do our devotions together at night before bed, and he said he didn't think that would count towards my LB$. I said Of course! We could at least try and see if it meets my need. He said ok.

I have been able to meet his need for SF as well.

I feel a certain heaviness on my H. I know he feels pressure to find a better job that pays the bills better and allows us breathing room. Add the new baby...what a pressure cooker for him!

I have no doubt that my H wants to do what is right for our marriage, and I believe he is completely overwhelmed.

I want to help him.