I found out that my husband was having an affair in 2004. He begged me to forgive him and I did. At the time I did so because of our daughter. The horrible part of this was when I learned he began the affair right after I learned I had cancer. I know, it pretty much makes him a jerk. Anyway, I found out in Nov 2010 he never ended his affair. It crushed me to the point of pain that I still can't get out of. We are going to marriage counselling, and individual counselling as well. I want so bad to forgive him, but I can't. I simply can't get the fact that he lied to me for 10 years. He is saying all the right things, except for 2 that I think are going to end our marriage. I was hoping that as the time passed my anger would subside, but it only increases.The OW lives right down the street of where he works. I have told him he needs to find a new job, and also write a no contact letter( which I will send certified delivery). I have good job, and know that I can make it alone. My daughter has her own place now, so it's just the 2 of us now. Any advice?

Hi Dragonfly, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons you are here. I agree that him working that close to the OW is a huge problem. Are you sure the affair is really over? Is the OW married? Has the affair been exposed to your family and children?

When was his last contact with the OW?

Hey Dragonfly,

Welcome! So sorry for the pain you're handling right now.

How good are your snooping tools to ensure NC? How did you discover the A?

You sound strong and you're in the right place.

Welcome, Dragonfly. We want to help you. Please give us some info: How long have you been married? Any kids?

I suspect your Wayward Husband (WH) is lying to you and the affair is continuing. Tell us about the Other Woman (OW). Is she married?

I have been married for 18 years. The OW is also a teacher, so I will occasionally run into her. I found out the first time, by using my gut instinct. I finally wore down my husband, until he finally admitted it. The 2nd time, I found the OW's underwear in my
laundry. She is not married, and her house in very close to his place of employment. As for my snooping, I have gotten very good.

Have you exposed his A and to whom?

Does this OW have a facebook? If so make a copy of all her friends and save it for exposure.
Has you H written a NC letter?
Please read this Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Here are some good examples of NC letters
No Contact Letters

Also this Exposure By Dr. Harley

[quote=Dragonfly As for my snooping, I have gotten very good. [/quote]

Yes you sound like a natural. You should have VARs in the house and his car, a GPS in his car or on his phone, spyware on hisphone and a keylogger on any computers or laptops.

How secretive is he with his phone? Can you access it easily?

You should also consider that he may have a secret affair phone stashed somewhere like in his car. Affairs tend to go way underground following a discovery.

Is all his time accounted for?

I have exposed his affair to all of his family and mine. The OW does have a FB page, so I will definitely make a copy of her friends. I hadn't even thought of that. I have complete access to his cell phone. I even make surprise visits to his work. I asked him about secret cell, after I searched at home and even in his office at work, and his car. Thank you, Brainhurts for the link for examples of no contact letters. I have been telling him he needs to do this for me, but he says that since he isn't seeing her anymore that it doesn't make sense to send her one now. I cried and told him it was for me. I need this to help me to have some kind of proof that its really over.
Last night got really bad. He has gotten so good at not showing emotion. He has never even cried for the pain he has caused me. My plan now is to have the OW and me to confront him together. She was only 18 when he began this affair with her. She was just a child and he took advantaged of her. She is so screwed up because of him. I want to see him look at her and me and tell me which one of us it's going to be, because right now.....I don't want it to be me. I don't want to be with someone that I can't trust. I don't want my life to be like this. This was his choice to do this. It was his choice to betray me.....so it's my choice to end it!! I'm sorry that I am ranting, I am just so tired of this crap. I want to go back to a normal life...where I can function and be somewhat happy.

Noooo!

Don't allow him anywhere near her! That would be a terrible trigger for him and v painful for you. Like shoving whisky in an alchoholics face and asking him to choose you over it.

An OW (and she is an adult, don't cut her any slack) does not deserve the right to be chosen or spoken to in person at all. Do not give her more status than she is due. OW get informed by mail that they had no business in another's marriage, period. That's all they get.

You are right to insist on NC letter. That is how he chooses you. His reluctance is prob due to ongoing affair.

Keep insisting and get those snooping gadgets in place.

Does she just happen to live near his employment/ Is this a former student or an employee with the same employer as him??

DF, I would most definitely not do that. Instead, expose the affair to the OW's parents and family members. And then sell your house and move out of there. As long as he works close to the OW's house and you have to see her occasionally, you will both remain perpetually triggered. Better to move and start all over.

I would say no to this. You won't accomplish anything positive by this confrontation. Your goal should be that he never lays eyes on her again. To achieve that goal will require that he leave that job and that you are in a place where there is no possibility of ever seeing her again.

Thank you all for your support. It means a great to me that you care for someone that you don't even know =) I will not meet with the OW. I was just ranting because of all the pain I am going through. I have decided to sell my house, and I am wanting to move away from my hometown. It just sucks so bad, that I am having to leave my family because of his actions. I have debated telling her parents, but from I get from my husband, they already know. She has basically alienated herself from her family and friends because of this affair. My H is using the excuse, if I divorce and he leaves his job, he won't be able to take care of himself. I have even told him to ask to be transferred to another part of the business. He could go clear across town to work, and then I would feel a little less threatened. He says he won't do that either. HUGS to all of my new friends here.

That is great! I would contact them TODAY, tell them all about the affair and ask them to keep that ho away from your husband. You can give them all of the details.


I am so sorry, but if he is not willing to make basic changes to protect you, this is hopeless. He will be perpetually triggered as long as he stays there. I would sell your house, move and then go into Plan B, which is a separation. Send him a Plan B letter telling him that he must leave that job and move with you in order to reconcile. I don't think he is done with the affair at all. If he were, he would be willing to what it takes to get away from the OW. He is refusing to protect you from his affair.

you really need to listen to this radio show that addresses your exact situation. Living by the OW destroyed this mans marriage and Dr Harley tells him to move:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718

That's a great idea and will do wonders for you. It does stink that you have to clean up his mess I know, but good that you will act to protect yourself by any means necessary.


It is amazing they disapprove even without knowing you, and prob hearing lots of lies about the 'terrible wife'. Do a full nuclear exposure, let people know you are loving and committed to fighting this affair and you will turn mild disapproval into active help for you. Read the link in Mels sig and expose to ALL targets on yours, his and her side. Also be prepared for the possibility he lied to you about their knowing to prevent you contacting them. That's very common.



He really should have considered that before. This is the bed he's made.



Lots of red flags that he is still in an active affair. Snoop like a bloodhound. Exposure will go a long way to busting up the A too.



We have been were you are now. Some of us recovered the marriage, some did not, but we are all happy and well and protected from false recoveries. You are in the right place. Hugs!

But your WH is a wayward, and waywards are liars. It's part of their makeup. If he says the sun is shining, you need to look outside the window to confirm it.

Hop on the phone and make the call to her parents. let them know that the reason for your call is to ask for their support of your marriage by speaking with their daughter to stress to her the damage she is causing everyone around her by choosing to have an affair with a married man.

I am in need of some help. Please say a prayer for my husband. He cheated on me for 10 years, and now says that he wants to recommit to our marriage. I have told him that I need to see the remorse and empathy towards all the pain he has inflicted on me. I know he loves me, and is even doing The Love Dare challenge. I pray so much for him to be able to tell me and show me how much I mean to him. We watched Fireproof together and during the apology scene where Kirk Cameron gets on his hands and knees to apologize to his wife for all the pain he caused her. As we watched that, I literally broke down crying. I told him that is what I need to see and feel when he apologizes. Is that asking too much. My husband's name **edit** please keep him and me *****EDIT*** in your prayers.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray for ***edit****. I pray Father that you will help ***** to see the devastation and pain he has brought upon his wife. I pray he would understand her needs and he would step up to fulfill those needs. Father we each show remorse in our own way, but let ***** show remorse in a way that lets ****** know he is genuinely remorseful. Lord I pray for ******. I know this is painful for her, but I am thankful for the mercy and grace she has shown. Lord I pray she apply the principles needed to hold boundaries while they reconcile. Father I pray for both that they would understand each others needs and meet those needs. Most of all Father I pray you fill the empty spots. Father provide wisdom and grant each understanding.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Thank you for your prayer. It means a great deal to me.