What was his response? What was the conversation?

ETA: "Weaving". The word you're looking for is weaving. Yes, avoid ducking and weaving. Trying to dodge the truth to avoid personal accountability will not serve you.

Ditto, well done.

His reactions, his feelings are everything now. Tell us as much as you can about them so we can best help you heal him. In doing so, of course, you will heal yourself.

He asked what I wanted to talk about, I said that I was tired of lying and that I had had affairs during our marriage.
He didn't hit me or even freak out......(has only actually smacked me once.)

He asked me to clarify what I meant "yes, sex with other men"
He wanted to know why I could have sex with other men but not him....what was wrong with him.
I told him nothing wrong with him but that I have a hard time trusting him, emotionally. He has very strong personality and didn't understand that he often slams people with his impatience.
We had discussed this before, but he thought it was all in my head, and that I just needed to get a backbone.

He said one of the kids had asked him so obviously they did notice.
He was actually quite calm which scares me a bit.At the moment he wants some time to process.......then he went back to what he was doing.
That was about it for today. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be worse, but at least I got the words out of my mouth. That part is done.

Do you mean he has been violent?



This is the ducking and weaving,you were warned NOT to do sadsam. Having a problem, any problem within your marriage is NOT the reason you cheated. You could have addressed it, warned him you were considering cheating or divorced. You slept with other men because you have poor boundaries around men. Take FULL responsibility for your choice.



That's pretty standard. Its the shock.

Be prepared for him to go up and down a lot. Let him hold you, let him push you away. Allow him to grieve in full without making it about your guilt. Don't make excuses. Remain calm at ALL times. And whatever you do don't blame his 'impatience' or anything else he did/didnt do. He did not choose this - you did.

Would he come here for help and support?

Its pretty reassuring for a BS to see the success stories of couples who turned it around.

Do you understand what EPs are - Extraordinary Precautions to prevent your having another affair?

They will go a long way to showing your BH that you take full responsibilty for changing your boundaries and that you want to make him safe.

Again, I didn't word things well. My affair had nothing to do with my lack of trust in him......that is why I have trouble having sex with him.
I had affairs because I chose to and I let someone else fill the need I couldn't let my husband fill. (does that make sense?)
And yes, because I have poor boundaries around men.

yes, I understand what EP's are. I have read all the basic concepts and letters and Q&A's and everything else I could find on this site. I know I will have to read them a few times more but I am getting there.

Did you give him the details of the affairs, including names, places, dates?

he didn't want any details yet except for when.....and yes, I told him.
The last ended more than 2 years ago and no contact for more than a year. We went to a Christian Marriage counsellor right after the last one. So he knows exactly when it ended.

SS, he is probably in shock, so I would write out a report with basic facts that gives names, places, dates, etc. he can read it at his leisure. This is all information that he needs to know.

Does he know any of these OM?

There is a distinct lack of compassion and sorrow in the way you appear to have told him about this. Do tell me that you expressed sorrow and regret at having hurt him and at hurting him now.

I have it all written out because I get flustered when I am confronted and I wanted to have it ready. I am sure he will ask for it after he has a moment to process.

No, he doesn't know the men. I met them through a previous job (I no longer work there) and at a fitness club that is in another city.

Yes, I told him how sorry I was and that I didn't tell him before because I wanted to spare his feelings (I know!!! Stupid) I was in tears, and hugged him a long time.

There was a conversation but I didn't repeat it word for word in my post.....I just wrote the gist of it.

Good morning, SS.

What plans do you have today to start helping your BH heal? An incorrect response would be, "I'm waiting for him to tell me what he wants." You should be oh-so-carefully approaching him, making it manifest that HIS welfare right now is your only concern.

There is an FWW thread here that you should read. The title shows how closely aligned your stories are - something like, "Thinking of Divorce Because of My infidelity". The lady who wrote it - DoroM - has been superb at her task of fixing what she broke. Her reconciliation remains a work in process, but where there is faith, there is hope.

And in light of the birth of the new SS - "Happy Easter!"

This is the correctly worded sentence. You completely negated the first part of this sentence by saying "but". There is no "but" necessary here. There is nothing wrong with your husband that would cause you to choose to have sex with another man. You own that entirely.

Good. Make sure you include everything. I can feel you squirming under the scrutiny all the way over here. You've done something very, very bad and I know that the inevitable fallout is something you'd rather not deal with. But understand this, Sam: getting it all out there and facing it together with your husband is a critical first step in healing.

glad to see you have completed step one. although that seemed like the hardest step, it was actually the easiest. the hard stuff comes next. what are you doing now? (and how are you? are you still not at home?)

please don't wait for your h to approach you. if you want to save this marriage, start working the programme. create your EPs, show them to him. demonstrate that you want the marriage.

Ok....I have a question. This is a bit early probably, but it is one of the first things I think led to my affairs. (seriously, don't slam me. I know it is my own selfishness but there HAD to be some triggers)

I have a VERY difficult time having sex with my husband. Even before we had kids I have basically just gritted my teeth and bore it. I had been to counsellors about it and read books, I have tried "Fake it till you make it". I haven't even been able to kiss him except for a peck for probably 25 years. I just feel gross and violated every time. When I used to let him ummmm "give me fulfilment" I would be so embarrassed!!! That part of it was over years ago and now we haven't had ANY sex for almost a year and a half.
How can I give my husband everything he needs to recover, when I can't even kiss him????

How is your husband doing?

The reason you don't want to have sex with him is because you are not in love with him. But that can be turned around.

But I am concerned about your husband. He has just been told something as traumatic as the death of his child and you aren't even talking about him. Is he in the hospital on suicide watch?