OK - Here we go. <P>From a recent post (or any of mine in general) you know my H is living with OW. He is now having seconds thought about leaving. He wants to see a counselor one-on-one to figure out his life. <P>He is never sataisfied with where he is. This is where I would like input that I think would help us all who wuld like to rebuild our marriages.<P>First you fall in love - it is exciting and new. Very intense. You can't get enough of each other. Then you get married. All of a sudden - it is no big deal to be with each other. My H (when we were dating) once drove about 8 hours on a motorcycle over night to see me. He says he wouldn't do that now. I said of course not - you see me everyday! <P>So can a long term relationship maintain that I can't live without you feeling - and if you loose it can you get it back? <BR><P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

My reply- YES!!<BR>unfortunately, I am the only one in our marriage that thinks so- i know my W and I were involved in a long distance relationship for a year, and that euphoria was there for a long time.<BR>then , the usual- boredom, non-communication, hasty judgements- has built up for so long that now she knows any other way.<BR>also, the guilt of her affair probably also moves her toward the divorce also.<P>good question.

I believe I read the intense romantic feelings last about 36 months in a relationship. So if it that pitter patter that your heart desires, keep your walking shoes on, because you are going to be walking out quite a few doors to keep pursuing it.<P>And yes, I think you can get it back, somewhat, but life gets in the way of the fantacy, so you got to do a lot of tending to the flame. I'm no expert on this, because with kids, house, careers, pets and endless events, I'm happy with stolen passionate interludes and a basically warm fuzzy secure feeling. I think H is, too. He looks differently at what was here all along.<P>There are five loves in marrage, desire, eros(romance)Phileo(cherished friendship)Storge(loyalty&belonging) and agape(unconditional love we should all have for one another)<P>When you single one out, define it as the only "real" love, you are really missing out.<P>I hope your H wakes up in time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi dhj,<P>Here's my take on "love" in a marriage. Everyone's love changes and evolves. The intense passion you feel at the beginning eventually changes into a calmer more content feeling. But deep down, there is still that "I love you with all my heart" thing.<P>To me, love is like an onion. There are lots of layers of love. Sometimes the layers get peeled off, but there is still a core there. An affair peels ALOT of layers off! On both sides. Sometimes the core gets rotten. But sometimes, the layers can get reapplied with superglue (okay my analogy starts getting messy here, but you know what I mean).<P>--andy

That is what I think too - my H isn't so sure. He wants to be content with life not just us - I think he has a great deal to learn. I just hope he does so before it is too late!<P>I regret that we both did not protect our relationship from life. We will know better next time!<P>Andy - are things better with you and your wife? I have kinda been out of the loop.<P><P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

I agree with FHL. There are many facets to love. After the initial blaze, we settle into the comfort zone of companionship, friendship, great sex, loyalty and dependability<P>However, I have been both betrayer (2 yrs. ago) and now betrayed. When I rededicated myself back to my H, I experienced all that rush of feeling for him agin. Maybe not quite as much as the totally "newness" of our initial courtship, but, baby my heart started pitter-pattering, again. I am still in that in-love state with my H. Too bad, it is wasted because he is not in-love with me.<P>I also agree with others - the affairs are insulated relationships. I have no idea if my H will end up in a long-term married or living together state with his OW or not. They are still only enjoying the courtship for these past 8 mos. H said he wants a D but asked me not to file until after first of the year.<P>I am plan ABing - avoiding him but nice (except this weekend)when we have to interact. With me basically out of the picture, H and OW are free to advance their relationship to the next level. Over time, reality will start to intervene. My H has basically withdrawn from household responsibilities (except to pay the bills), his usual friends, the family, his usual activities. He spends 2 - 4 hours a day talking to OW. As their relationship starts to mature and progress, all these other aspects of normal life will come into play. Only time will tell if H and OW have the "real McCoy" sustainable love, or if both were just needing a break from reality.<P>Sorry I got off on my own story, but think it applies here....<P><BR>Roll Me Away

dhj, thanks for asking about my wife and I. Right now, we're doing okay, but sorta stuck in a holding pattern. I'm the bottle-neck. I'm still struggling cuz I don't feel love for her; I only feel that we are close friends (who occasionally have wild sex... ). I'm also struggling through another case of the blues (which seem to come on a regular bi-weekly schedule). But other than that...<P>--andy

I guess that is what gets me - How can such intelligent people think that they can fall in love a second time and prevent that love form being too comfortable and from having that intensity die. The relationships they have with the OP will eventually change. We could blame it on Hollywood!

dhj,<BR>Let me know when you find out ! My w seems to be in the same frame of mind. While I am major part of the problem, she still seems to want that first love type "feeling" of course which she got from om.<P>Someone mentioned 36 months and thats about when we started having children.

Well dhj, I don't think the intensity will ever stay in any relationship. But the deep love (the love down in the core of the onion) should still be there in order to be successful. Some may argue with me, but that's what I think anyway.<P>--andy

I don't believe you can get the first feeling of "in love" back. I am hoping for a more mature "in love". I think we can all bring some sort of excitement back into our marriages. It is just harder now. I have been trying some new things to bring back some of those feelings. I believe if you work at it you can get back some of those feelings...maybe even better feelings.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and if I shed a tear I won't cage it<BR>I won't fear love<BR>and if I feel a rage I won't deny it<BR>I won't fear love<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"<BR>Sarah Mclachlan<P><BR>