I am so hurt and dont know what to do. Let me start off by saying that I have been with my husband for 19 years. We have been through so much and I dont know if we will get thru this or not. When we first got married my husband pulled over for a pretend prostitute but then didnt go through with it. I was so mad at him and hurt. I decided to forgive him. Then 5 years later i got pregnant again and my husband didnt want another child so he treated me bad. My baby ended up dyeing at birth. I was very angry at my husband and I just hurt so bad. Then I ended up in an affair not meaning too but it happened. I ended it and my husband and I split up for around a month. He decided to forgive me. That has been 6 years ago. Years later we decided to have another baby and we couldnt get pregnant. Tried for years and years. So we decided to get a loan and go for IVF. I thought my husband was over my affair but I dont know now. We ended up having twins and they were born early and in the NICU for 3 months. They have been home for a couple of months now. Well my husband came home the other night all in tears and told me he really screwed up. He had been seeing the guy I had an affair with for around a month. He told me he had been really angry and remembering how I talked to the guy. My husband had taped my conversation back then. Well he told me that he went to a hotel and paid a woman 40 dollars for a bj. He said she went to the bathroom and then he started thinking what am I doing. He said that he was waiting for her to come back out so he could tell her he changed his mind and to give him his money back but then a cop came in. They gave him a summons to appear at court. I am so hurt I dont know what to do. I dont know if he has done this before but I know that I have hurt him in the past too. We have been having long talks and he is sleeping on the couch. I dont know whats going to happen but I need help with the twins right now and even though I am so very very hurt I love him so much. I know we got a messed up marriage. I have kept this a scret but told a friend that has been trying to help me. The cop told him thatall he had to do as come to court and pay a fine and not do it again or it could be jail time. If I do decide to forgive him, this cant get out because it was just be really really bad. But I dont know if it will get out. It happened 2 hours away from here. He is going to get a lawyer. I am just so worried it is going to get out anyways because how about if my older child hears about it. What am I going to do? Can you keep things like this hush hush? Please please dont be too harsh on my marriage. Its hurting me deeply. Oh and also the cop told him he would be tested for everything which we were tested when we did IVF but he swears that he has never done this before but I dont know.

Sohurt, I am so sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. The first thing I would do is get tested for STDs. He has been seeing prostitutes for awhile and you would have never been told about this if he hadn't been busted. I would get his police file and find out what else is on there.

Your marriage won't recover unless he tells you the full truth, so I would start by scheduling a polygraph for him. I warn you there is much more because it is obvious he has been leading a secret second life for some time.

Getting the truth is the first step. The next step is for him to change his life so that it is so transparent that he can't carry on a secret second life. That means spending every night together, spending all leisure time together and giving you full access to his email, phone everything. I would strongly suggest you put a GPS on his car along with spyware on his phone. This will help hold him accountable and will help restore your trust.

If he is sincere about making this right, he will be glad to do all of these things.

Uh-huh. No, I don't think this is how it happened.

Sohurt, I would suggest that you be tested for STD's since it's quite clear that your H enjoys the company of whores. I would also suggest that you require him to undergo a polygraph examination to determine the depth of his involvement with these whores.

I'm sorry you had to make your way here. I hope we can help you.

You have two fronts to work on, his infidelity, and yours.

I don't always recommend a poly, but I would in your case. This goes beyond a good man who went down the wrong road in an adulterous affair, and you need to know how far the damage extends.

On your end, no matter what your WH/BH does, and if you decide to try to recover with him, you need to make amends for what you have done. Model the behavior you would want to see from him. Follow the steps outlined on here for recovery.

Take good care of yourself, too. You have two sweet babies who depend on you.

Tonight we held hands and prayed together. Something we have never done together. We both cried and cried. He told me he wants to go find a good preacher to talk to because he has so much built up anger and now I am angry and hurt for what he has done. I just dont know if we can recover and get past this. I just dont understand why life is so painful sometimes.

Sohurt,
The pain will go away and you will recover your marriage if you follow the plan.
Please get STD tested.
Order the book Surviving An Affair
Read This Steps to recover an Affair
Order Surging An Aff

well he talked to a lawyer and she said it was going into the paper with his picture for 1 day. But then again it will be stuck on the internet too under the newspaper. It was 2 hours away but my aunt and uncle live there and they might see it. I just dont think I can deal with this. How can you work on a marriage with something like that? Im so hurt. How could he do this to me when we just had babies?

Sohurt are you willing to insist on these actions from him?

You need to insist he show remorse through actions.

Those kids are relying on you to insist.

Don't worry about the newspaper.

It is better that the secrecy ends and he realises he can't sneak around like that anymore, anyway. It will be good for him to be named and shamed.

I just feel so numb. I really dont know how I feel. Im going to try to go talk to a preacher that does counceling around here. My husband cries and cries and says he will do anything to make it up to me. I just dont know what to do. Is my marriage worth saving? I just hurt so bad.

The plans will show you whether the marriage is worth saving.

They will also heal you either way.

If he does not get on board, then you will have no regrets and know you at least tried.

But you must ACT.

See your doctor if the pain is too debilitating.

Don't forget to sleep and eat!

where do I find the plans at

Here above.

Come here when you need support and help with your plans.

Having been through it we understand EXACTLY how painful it is. Hugs to you.

Have a read of the different sections then come back here for some guidance on how to begin Plan A and exposure.

Do NOT share this website with your husband yet. In time you can, but not until he is proven trustworthy. We can help you gauge his trustworthiness with snooping techniques, and it is best he not know about that yet. For now this site is your SECRET WEAPON

Oh and ..... Welcome!

ok I read everything but I do not want it exposed. I live in a very very small town and have teenage kid and he would be picked on very badly. I cant do that to my son. My kids mean everything to me and I need to protect them.

So you want him to hear it from other kids instead of you?

sohurt, the news will get back to your town, I promise you. It is better that your son and your close family members hear it from you and your husband first. Tell them what happened and what you are doing to resolve the problem. The good thing about it is that the more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable.

Pleasre read this from Dr. Harley on exposure Exposure by Dr. Harley

How to Survive an Affair

This by Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers Infidelity the Lessons Children Learn

Sh2
In the newspaper. Your H rep is toast, anyway. You need to only expose the affairs/hookers to people who can influence your WH to change his behavior.
Sure, it is embarrassing, but you are going to look like a fool pretending nothing happened.

I am sorry for your son, but you not dealing with this whore issue up front and with class is going to let him know that it is ok behavior for a married man. What do you want him to learn from this mess?

Excellent radio clips from Dr. Harley talking about exposure, please listen.

Radio Clip on Exposure even 8 years of no affairs
2nd part on exposure