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SS1, in your case, I would find out who the OM is and expose the affair to everyone. Once you have done that, this should be your next step:
Originally Posted by Melodylane
Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
What is with this mourning for the OM stuff? Is it normal? How do I handle it?
What is with the no remorse? Is it normal? Does it ever come? Can you really move on together if it never comes?
Do you believe that she has broken off contact?
If you read Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair, you will see that the "mourning for the OM stuff" is withdrawal, and that it lasts for a few weeks from genuine NC. Your wife has been addicted to the high she got from being in the affair, and even if she is still in contact with OM, the fact that the affair has been discovered and she cannot meet him and he will not leave his wife causes her to miss what she had, and be depressed. This is entirely normal and all WSs go through it, unless they had no emotional involvement with the other person at all - and that is very rare.
Dr Harley says that it is common for wayward WIVES (as opposed to husbands) to feel and show no remorse. Again, if you read the book you will see that the wayward wife, who was deeply entrenched in her affair and moved out of her home to be with OM, came back only because he dumped her. She was miserable and depressed and did not show or feel any remorse towards her H. indeed she felt that the affair was his fault. But after she got through the withdrawal period, and a they began to spend good UA time together and crucially, when there was no further contact, she began to have feelings for her H again. She never expressed remorse, but she became fully committed to her marriage again over time.
We have several former WWs either posting here, or whose BHs post here, who go flat out to show remorse and to apologise for what they have done. They make extraordinary efforts. You can read their threads in the Recovery forum. However, according to Dr H, it is normal to see no sign of remorse from FWW. Do not take it as a sign that the marriage cannot recover from the affair.
And yes, I think she is still in contact in some form - even if only by looking at his Facbook page. I have seen too many cases where the WS was in love and could not resist breaking contact to believe otherwise. I think that NC will only come when this affair is exposed, when OMW issues him with an ultimatum, when she stops him from cake-eating and when he is forced to admit to your wife that he used her. (He might not admit this in words, but when he does not leave his wife for her that will be as good as admitting it, and your wife will see that.)
I think you need to believe the worst and act on that basis - to expose and bust up the affair for good.
ML/SC I agree with both of you but I am locked out of her life in regards to phone, computer, email, etc. and as hard as I've tried I cannot find out who the other man is. Can I get her to tell me?
SSI..I am a FWW, I love being able to say former now. It is very recent for me though. I have only had NC for a month. Someone posted that your wife is an addict and you cannot reason with an addict. That is so true, not until there is NC. My BH begged, bargained, and cried to me, but I felt nothing. I was numb to him. I refuse to say that I stopped loving my H. I had plenty of opportunity to leave, but I just couldn't. I may have fell out of love with him. One night it was like something snapped and I was back. I found my way out of the fog, I knew where I wanted to be, I stopped all contact, and I knew I loved my H...and I was full of overflowing remorse. If I had a time machine, the A would never have happened. Now I am fighting to save my M.
Your W may have broken off contact, but it is still too early to say if it is permanent. I tried a few times, but I was addicted. I have not missed or mourned the OM, maybe because I have been so preoccupied with trying to save my M that I haven't had time to think about it. I was really caught up in all the attention that I was getting from the OM. I really thought I loved him, but I don't feel that now.
I do agree with the others, somehow you need to find out who the OM is. My H had a keylogger put on my computer and was able to get the details of my A. I had alread told him who it was at that point, but that is how he found out that the A had not ended. He continued to watch the contact by watching my phone log and seeing how much texting I was doing with the OM. I don't remember what I read on here about your wife's phone. Do you share a phone plan together? If you can log into your acct and get a phone number for the OM, you can have that traced, I have done that before.
Thanks for your answers however I have no access to her work computer-password protected.
Does she use the computer at home?
If so, watch for her to leave the computer unattended and swoop in before it locks down and install a key logger. You would have to have the key logger downloaded and purchased on your computer. Then copy the software to a data stic and have it ready. Write the serial # down and have it in your hand when you install on her computer.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for your answers however I have no access to her work computer-password protected.
Does she use the computer at home?
If so, watch for her to leave the computer unattended and swoop in before it locks down and install a key logger. You would have to have the key logger downloaded and purchased on your computer. Then copy the software to a data stic and have it ready. Write the serial # down and have it in your hand when you install on her computer.
I have tried this approach, but computer asked for WW's password to install a program as well (a Mac). Definitely worth a shot though because alot of people hate having to always write passwords to do something.
Me: BH Marriage: 25 years 2 kids D-Day 5 Sept 2011 EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011
I have tried this approach, but computer asked for WW's password to install a program as well (a Mac). Definitely worth a shot though because alot of people hate having to always write passwords to do something.
Do you have access to the router at your house? Are you ready to learn some cool [censored]? I can show you how to sniff the traffic leaving your house using completely free software.
Edit: If that's too high speed for you, there is also this option: http://www.keyghost.com/USB-Keylogger.htm. If you think you can plug in a "USB thumbdrive" without her noticing, you can get her password. After that, you can install a keylogger.
Edit #2: While sniffing traffic on your own network is legal in every sense of the word, installing a keylogger on her work computer may not be. Is there a logon banner on her work laptop? If so, post it here and I'll tell you if there are any holes in it. If not, no worries...it's totally legal.
Last edited by AJoseJake; 04/10/1202:54 AM.
Me: BH XW: Promises83 DS5 Married 10 years, first for both of us D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered D Final: 16 Aug 2013
I have tried this approach, but computer asked for WW's password to install a program as well (a Mac). Definitely worth a shot though because alot of people hate having to always write passwords to do something.
Do you have access to the router at your house? Are you ready to learn some cool [censored]? I can show you how to sniff the traffic leaving your house using completely free software.
Edit: If that's too high speed for you, there is also this option: http://www.keyghost.com/USB-Keylogger.htm. If you think you can plug in a "USB thumbdrive" without her noticing, you can get her password. After that, you can install a keylogger.
Edit #2: While sniffing traffic on your own network is legal in every sense of the word, installing a keylogger on her work computer may not be. Is there a logon banner on her work laptop? If so, post it here and I'll tell you if there are any holes in it. If not, no worries...it's totally legal.
Sorry for the threadjack! She will notice the thumbdrive. The router though is a good target. I have been messing around with it, but I can't see website traffic. I would love to hear your idea.
Me: BH Marriage: 25 years 2 kids D-Day 5 Sept 2011 EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011
She rarely brings her computer home, it's all about her phone but I am interested in hearing about the router.
What kind of phone does she have? What kind of operating system?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
If she uses wireless at home instead of her 3G/4G carrier, you can intercept some of that traffic as well. Many phones use SSL by default for web browsing though, so this may not give you a lot of info.
What you need to do is download a program called wireshark. Install it on a computer, and set the wireless NIC to "promiscuous" mode. (I didn't make that up, that's what it's called!) Depending on your router, you may need to plug the computer into one of the switchports on the router using a standard ethernet cable, in which case you will have to set the switchport on the router to promiscuous mode. What that means is that anything that comes into that router goes out the promiscuous switchport, whether that is it's destination or not.
A computer running wireshark will show you every single packet that goes through it's NIC. If that NIC is plugged into (or wireless connected to) a port in promiscuous mode, it's going to show you every single packet on that router. The amount of data going to be overwhelming at first, so you need to narrow it down.
You are going to want to track down her IP address or MAC address. If you don't know how to do this, let me know. It's not complicated. Once you set a filter for her IP or MAC address, you then set a filter for port 80 traffic. Port 80 is HTTP, and it will show you all the unencrypted web traffic. If nothing much is coming up on port 80, try looking for port 443. That's SSL over HTTP (HTTPS). You won't be able to unencrypt the information, but at least you'll know what websites she is visiting.
Hope this helps! If not, no worries. We've got lots of other stuff to try >:)
Last edited by AJoseJake; 04/10/1210:42 AM.
Me: BH XW: Promises83 DS5 Married 10 years, first for both of us D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered D Final: 16 Aug 2013
If she uses wireless at home instead of her 3G/4G carrier, you can intercept some of that traffic as well. Many phones use SSL by default for web browsing though, so this may not give you a lot of info.
What you need to do is download a program called wireshark. Install it on a computer, and set the wireless NIC to "promiscuous" mode. (I didn't make that up, that's what it's called!) Depending on your router, you may need to plug the computer into one of the switchports on the router using a standard ethernet cable, in which case you will have to set the switchport on the router to promiscuous mode. What that means is that anything that comes into that router goes out the promiscuous switchport, whether that is it's destination or not.
A computer running wireshark will show you every single packet that goes through it's NIC. If that NIC is plugged into (or wireless connected to) a port in promiscuous mode, it's going to show you every single packet on that router. The amount of data going to be overwhelming at first, so you need to narrow it down.
You are going to want to track down her IP address or MAC address. If you don't know how to do this, let me know. It's not complicated. Once you set a filter for her IP or MAC address, you then set a filter for port 80 traffic. Port 80 is HTTP, and it will show you all the unencrypted web traffic. If nothing much is coming up on port 80, try looking for port 443. That's SSL over HTTP (HTTPS). You won't be able to unencrypt the information, but at least you'll know what websites she is visiting.
Hope this helps! If not, no worries. We've got lots of other stuff to try >:)
So how do I see the websites? That is still baffling me. I have a load of data coming in!
Me: BH Marriage: 25 years 2 kids D-Day 5 Sept 2011 EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011
Me: BH XW: Promises83 DS5 Married 10 years, first for both of us D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered D Final: 16 Aug 2013
Wow! What a difference a few days makes. I finally got my wife to tell me who the the OM was and I confronted him two days ago and told him to leave my wife alone as I could not work on my marriage until he was gone. He told me that he would only leave my wife alone is she asked him to. I also spoke to his wife and she also new about the affair and she had asked him to leave my wife alone so that they could work on their marriage.
After two months of dealing with this crap I had had enough. I called my wife and told her that I was done being disrespected and that she needed to end it or would divorce her. She choose divorce. The interesting thing was that I was not sad, I was angry! She came home for a few minutes after work and left me alone with the kids for the night.
The next morning (yesterday) I told her that she needed to move out of the house and that while I will remain civil in our conversations about the kids and our divorce that I wanted no contact with her at all and that I would no longer would be her friend.
That evening after work I had calmed down and I simply asked her if she was done, if she had any hope left and if she wanted a divorce, or if there was any hope, a separation. She opted for the separation. I then told her that I was fine with that, she could take as much time as she needed, however I was going to be moving forward as if our marriage was over and if she wanted to try in the future that I would be open to that however I felt that the longer she waited the chance of me wanting to reconcile would diminish.
This morning she broke up with the OM (his wife confirmed). She called me to tell me this an hour ago and for the first time she showed true remorse. She was crying and actually told me that she was so sorry for what she had done. I could tell that she was in real pain and I let her know that we could talk when I got home. I didn't want to be her shoulder to cry on at that point as I feel she needs to work through this on her own, for now. My question is what do I do now? I love her and want her back but do I console her, give her space, etc? Not sure how to act here?
Is she back in your house? Does she want to work on fixing the marriage? And have you told your kids all about the affair and the OM?
GREAT JOB ON getting the goods and busting up the affair!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Do you know who the OM's local family is? And I thought the OM lived out of state? Does he?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Love that you and the BW of OM kept the pressure on to kill the affair.
Get her home and use MB to have a fantastic M.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
