It truly is something that some people when put to the challenge, shine, and others, seem to be along for the ride.

The sales techniques for the troubled souls are basically the same though, "It wasn't my fault!"

But the question always is, as Scottie asked herself. "So what are you going to DO about it?", (I believe you got that from your Dad Scotty?).

Trying to make sense out of those that make no sense..Oh wait.. they are aliens, not part of this world, and never will be, and just because they think they have discovered a "Better way", does not mean we have to buy it either.

Why do people who have it all, throw it away for vain beliefs, that they think they can have more?

Don't even try to figure out crazy..Thank you God

Having been married to a WS who is throwing away a marriage for no real reason, I think I do Neak.

Its not a good, satisfying or smart choice - but it's easy.

My WH showed signs of this around the time we met. He's very clever and he was offered an unconditional (no exam results needed) university place to study physics.

He turned it down and took a leisure centre and bar management job which payed pretty well but involved playing pool most of the day. It was easier. The fact he was bored and discontent didn't seem to factor.

Some WSs just want an easy ride. They don't want to tell people they lied, they don't want to do the recovery work.

Some of them discover that being wayward is an easy way to have needs meet. If it doesn't last past two years, you just get another mistress.

I do believe that what Dr H says is true, that most waywards were good people before the A and that returning to the M is the logical choice for many when that A hits the skids.

But logical, right, satisfying and true is not the easy choice.

Sounds like the physics classes would have meant he would have to submit to authority

The bar job? Well we know what is sold there

Lol, my late wife wanted that kind of job too, and it had everything to do with her ego

It is the lies we belive without question, that get us into the most trouble, most of all the entitlement ones, that we are more important, and we have arrived, and there is no more to learn

Yes, but we ignore the signs, a lot of us do. We think we can fix them

Even if it's easier, I don't get why they're so dumb. It's like amputating your leg because you don't want to fix your hangnail.

Neak, I can't remember how many times I have been reading some BS threads and find myself shaking my head at how stupid the WS is for throwing that level of commitment and quality of person away.

I'm with Indie... during Plan A my WH couldn't even give me or others a real reason for throwing our marriage away (although he tried a variety to see if any would convince us lol!). Family and friends have since pointed out that WH was the dreamer, with many "get rich quick" schemes. I was the logical one, the planner.

Around the time I met WH, he was offered an apprenticeship in a field he is very talented in. He refused, and accepted a labouring job. When we became involved, I asked why he didn't accept it as he spoke of it often... it was because he would have had to accept a lower wage for the four years of the apprenticeship compared to minimum wage labouring for years. Yes, he was young, but so was I and my goals were long term and based on commitment to furthering myself. Shortly before WH's affair started WH raised this apprenticeship, and he admitted to regretting not accepting it so many years ago.

I can see that WH feels disappointed with himself over many things, but is still seeking the easy option rather than having to commit to the longer term goal. Seeking admiration and impressing a 21-year-old is easy gratification rather than doing the hard yards on himself and his own disappointment.

The fact that many A's on here actually end but still the WS won't commit to recovery supports this "easy option" route. Having to admit to lying and face the consequences of that, along with atoning and changing, requires effort and commitment. Sadly, too many waywards can only commit to what feels good and is easy right now. TJ over Scotty, sorry!

Taking the easy way out is, I think, a sign of emotional immaturity. Instant self gratification takes no account of the longer term effects of the behaviour. They are operating at the emotional level of, at best, a teenager or at worst about a six year old.

Scotland,

would it be okay for you to take a look at livensi's thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2541562#Post2541562

She seems to need help about plan B from a person who has been there and knows everything about it.

Caracal, T/j's are perfectly okay around here, even if it is somewhat breaking PLan B by making me think about my WH

On a more serious note, I don't have any examples of my Bampot being like either of those examples. Bampot did what he had to do to take care of me, and then our family. When I became pregnant with DS11, I told him that he would need to find a better paying job before I went into labour, to make up the difference I would lose while on maternity leave. He did, within 6 weeks of finding out I was pregnant. And it was a very well paying job(actually, it's the job he still works at, where he works with OW). He is, and was always ambitious. So, those types of things don't describe him.

What does though is stubborn and someone who chooses to stick his head in the sand rather than deal with emotions.

I haven't really considered the WHY. I deal with the IS. He IS still having an affair, and that is a choice he makes every single moment. At any time, he could choose something different. It's something I am teaching my children, that no matter what mistakes you make, you can ALWAYS turn your life around by changing your choices. It's NEVER too late to do the right thing.

Who knows why Bampot isn't ending his affair, and honestly, who cares? He's not, and that's all I'm dealing with. If he ever does, and decides to try recovery, I'll see where I'm at at the time and deal with it. Otherwise, I carry on living MY life, and LOVING it.

As always, this is in direct relation to my time spent here, and the help of all of you. Thanks is never going to be enough for what you have all done for me, but I thank you all anyways.

Tune in next time for another edition of "Life in Plan B". Where will life take our characters this time? HEHEHEHEHE

Absolutely MrsRec. Thanks for stopping by to illicit help. I try to help where I can, but sometimes I miss someone's story.

From my weakened mind , I rejoice in your strength. Thanks for sharing. You've given me perspective about my current situation.

One never knows where insight can be found.

Peace & healing.

*waving*

Hi Pep! You're an inspiration - hang in there, chiquita!

Thanx Pep. As always, I am honoured to be your friend. Now get better.

Pep needs to get well, but she can't get better than she already is.

:P

TJ - Scotty, saw "Hunger Games" last night and it was EXCELLENT! Not as good as the book but that's to be expected. Laughed, cried, heart was pounding like crazy at certain parts...what more can you ask for

TJ 2 - Pep!!! Glad to see you are back!

and now for some levity. that's the best freudian slip ever!

Hi Scotty - are you around? Hope all is well!

More adventures in the Plan B mind.(Okay, maybe only the Scotty mind, I am an odd bird after all)

I have started, and restarted this post 5 times already tonight. I don't know where my thoughts are headed, and this is the best place I thought of to get it out.

Sometimes, I experience doubts about PLan B. Sometimes, I think about breaking NC with Bampot. Sometimes, I feel like I am over him enough that it wouldn't matter anymore. Other times, I think that I could lure him back to me(these are some low times). I feel sometimes that I didn't do a good enough, or long enough Plan A. I even see other posters, who give up on Plan B, and I think, "Maybe I should have done that, instead."(SHUDDER)

I think my biggest problem is getting me out of this buyer mentality. I took vows for life, and I feel guilty by the prospect that I may not uphold them. By that I mean, that I wouldn't be with only Bampot for life. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not thinking about dating until after I am divorced(still not ready for that). I am not going to become a wayward. I have strong boundaries, and with the help of you, and some IRL friends, I have been able to see where I had previous holes in them.

I take my promises very seriously. And my vows, well, I always meant to uphold them.

I, unlike many here, always claimed that I would be able to forgive one affair. Do I know for certain that this was Bampot's only affair? No. It saddens me to say that, but I really don't know. Would it change my outlook if he were to admit to more affairs? I can't say for certain. What I really want to know, and what I believe I deserve more than anything is the truth. Even if Bampot and I were not to get back together, I only wish to know the truth about my life. I want to know how long I was a fool, and how big of one I was. I may most likely never get that. I will have to live with that fact, as hard as it is for me.

I have been having down moments lately. I have even thought about contacting Bampot. I haven't, and I won't, but the thoughts have been there, and that makes me mad. I'm mad at myself for not being stronger. For not being better at Plan B.

I look around my house and I see how much has changed since Bampot has left. I see how I have changed. I see how the boys have changed. I feel badly for HIM because he misses out on the moments he can never have back with our boys, because he chose to be a selfish jerk, and not live up to his responsibilities.

Even ideas about the Disney trip in September, and how we were supposed to do that together. I know we will have fun, and I know that the boys and I will be fine. We'll be better than fine. We'll be great. I just miss Bampot sometimes.

Most times, when a BW enters Plan B, she starts to see her WH for who he truly is, and that person isn't whom she thought(and usually becomes someone much worse). It was even suggested to me that I may not be seeing the real man. I just don't know. When I look at who Bampot was, and what our relationship was, I see things that I didn't see before, but it is more about his loving me, than about him being a bad man.

I, of course, see the weak boundaries, but I see where I had weak boundaries as well. I see how care wasn't always taken with my feelings and concerns, and I see that on my end as well.

Could I have been lied to for 18 years? Could he have been someone else? I don't believe so, but how can I trust MY judgement? Even if I were to contemplate moving on with someone else someday, how would I trust myself not to fall for someone like Bampot again?

I think that this suddenly has come up because of a few events that have happened as of late. I used to dream about Bampot a lot. Then, in late February, I realized that I hadn't in a long while. I thought it odd. That night, I did dream about him(of course, since I suggested it to myself). The main thing I remembered were numbers. 12, 4, 1. I thought it was part of a phone number, as it seemed familiar to me. Then, I thought about dates, and I thought that it might be April 1st/12. Didn't think too much, but I kept it on the backburner. I honestly thought that maybe Bampot was going to hand me divorce papers on that day. I actually considered it, and thought that I could handle it.

The boys were with Bampot that morning, as it was his weekend, and I was alone that morning. I awoke at 630am, having heard, what I thought was Bampot's voice say, "I love you, Scotty." It actually startled me, and made my heart beat fast. I looked around and saw that I was still completely alone. I headed off to work, and thought nothing of it. Bampot dropped the boys off at 630, as usual, and he called them to make sure they got in okay. The weird thing is, he called again at 830pm. The boys didn't answer, but I found it weird. Yesterday(he gets visitation every Sunday, and every other Saturday), he dropped them off at 630pm, and phoned them to see if they were in the house safely(this is after he watches them walk to the door, and then drives around the block, since they won't knock until he has driven away). At 730pm, he phoned them. Again, the boys didn't answer. I only mention these things as weird behaviour. We can never imagine what goes on in a wayward mind, and it is crazy-making to try to figure it out.

I hope this is another step in my personal recovery, and that I have taken the right path. I am forever grateful for PLan B. It may not have saved my marriage, but it sure did give it the best chance. And it saved me YEARS of pain, that I am not certain I would have survived.

Plan B, and PR aren't done with me yet. Let's see where else this life is gonna lead.

You are just swooping right now.
Your romantic self wants love, love, love.

Anyway. Don't wonder what you would do if he told IM he ended his affair and wanted to rebuild.

Just plug along. Just consider filing and getting released so you, in the future, are free to maybe date others. Not a bad thing. A girl, after giving it her all can choose options.

(((hugs)))