When you divide something in quarters, that makes one piece for each boy, and two for you! Even if you don't eat both of them then and there, you've earned them.

Scotty,

How do you handle school functions in Plan B? We have a poster about to go into Plan B and has a pre-school graduation coming up.

Thanks in advance.

My WH isn't told about the functions. If he were to ever be in the same place as me, I would leave. I have advised those in the past to have an exit strategy. ie. have someone else be responsible for taking children home from events, in case the BS needs to make a quick exit, and have someone record the event so the BS can enjoy the moment with the child at a later time. While it may not be "fair" for the BS to miss events, during PB, it is VERY important for the emotional well being and healing of the BS.

I take my PB seriously. A HUGE part of me started this because I would want Bampot to take recovery seriously, so I was leading by example. I would NEVER accept an excuse for contact with OW if recovery were to begin, so I MUST hold myself to the same standard during my PB.

Things have changed in my life. I miss school functions, and trips that happen during the day. I have missed parent-teacher interviews because of work. The boys have had to be home alone while I was still at work. After being available any time during the day, and knowing that another parent would be with them when I wasn't able to, this was a HUGE adjustment. It was also very necessary. And I had to deal with the guilty feelings over it. The thing that most helped me was the knowledge that had I not entered PB, my children's life(and my own) would be filled with much more turmoil and drama. There was never any question to me as to which path I needed to choose. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair. But it was RIGHT.

Thank you so much. I will post this to her. It is Jennifervoyager on the divorcing board if you wanted to jump in.

You can also go to the function and if the wayward shows up and attempts to sit with the betrayed or speak with them say

"I would appreciate you don't sit near me." or "I would appreciate you not trying to speak with me."

Simple.

Avoiding functions where the both will be is ideal but sometimes there are huge events that the betrayed wants to go to.

Preschool graduation is not a big deal but I can see betrayed ones wanting to be there for sentimentality reasons and Dr. H recommends asking a physician for a medication for the event to ride the emotional upset.

I personally, wouldn't even talk to my WH and ask him not to sit near me. I would simply leave. That's my choice, and I'm sticking to that.

I know that the polite requests would still comply with Plan B because its not meeting needs but...

Me too. Even third hand bits of info about him affect my Plan B for weeks, so no way could I be anywhere near him. I have a turn on my heel and leave policy, should I ever see him unexpectedly. No matter what the function or who I offend.

Seeinng them would give you TMI on how they're doing, how healthy, how prosperous, how happy.

Food enough for weeks of torture and doubt.

scottie, every time i look at your thread, i am amazed at your strength and how you've created such a better life for you and your kids. sure, there's fallout from that (your list above). but you know what? kids who are taught to handle adversity turn into much better adults than those who aren't. you are raising quality young men, and part of that is showing your boys that women/wives are to be loved and valued. THAT is the most important lesson they are taking from your life.

You only ask the Wayward not to sit next to you if they actually come over and appear to be planning to do so.

And, yes, you can leave a function. Most often that is practical.

You plan to not come across your spouse in Plan B. You prepare in case you do.

If you plan to leave, you leave the function for your own emotional protection though, not to teach the wayward a lesson.

Dr. H has mentioned that for important functions, that the betrayed would like to attend, a physician can prescribe medication to ride the emotional trigger. And make no mistake, you would be on a very triggered roller coaster ride if you have been around the wayward. That is a given.

What about funerals the BS wants to attend? What are Plan B'ers thoughts?

My thoughts....funerals depend on the relationship to the deceased.
If the wayward is 'closer' related, the betrayed could skip it. If the betrayed is 'closer' then the wayward could not be invited.
If they are both equally close due to whatever reason.....betrayed could skip it if they know wayward is going. Then, offer to visit the deceased's family at another time.

HTMS.....

lol on Scotland's thread being the meeting place of the discussion. Maybe we could have a separate thread in notables?

Ok I started a thread on this Important/special events in Plan B

Thanks in advance.

This is why its so important for people to step up and support the BS. They cause serious pain and the people around the BS should know this and exclude the WS.

I get what reading is saying, that there may be events so important and so unavoidable where you need to get ADd up and just cope with the triggers afterward. I wouldn't, but that's me.

But wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world where betrayal was taken seriously and active betrayers shunned? There's no way someone violent would be welcomed into as many functions as a wayward is.

Hey Scotty, whats up?

Just checking in on Mama Bear.

Hi Scotty, haven't seen you around lately, just wondering how you are. Hope all is well

Wanted to just stop in, since I have gotten a couple of emails/etc about my absence lately. There is nothing wrong, just need some time to sort some stuff out, IRL. Taking a bit of a rest, and then I will be back, ready to go.

Adultery sucks, and it sucks that so many people are constantly effected by it. I am still dealing with my own fallout from my WH's affair. Time to focus on myself, and my boys, and then I will be able to help all of those out there.

I am very touched that I was missed. It means something to me that someone would even notice that I wasn't around. WHo knows, maybe some of you reading out there will step up to fill the void for a bit. I know that there are many who are up to the task. MB is GREAT, and it's a community, built on the backs(and fingers) of MANY.

THis is not a so-long, or good-bye, it's a see ya in a bit.

And don't worry peeps, Plan B is FULL ON, and will remain so. There's not a risk of me slipping out of it. I KNOW how it saved my life. I am grateful for every single one of you. Sometimes, we need to take care of ourselves, so we can take care of others.

And, if there are any avid readers out there, I found a series I am IN LOVE with. J. R. Ward, Black Dagger Brotherhood. Paranormal romance, about vampires.

And for the NPCA, I painted my finger nails black, with pink sparkles. Not crazy about it, but it was a stretch for me, so I'll leave it on for a couple of days. Then, it's some NEON. It is the trend after all.

I will be back on, as soon as I am in a good spot. Thanks for caring.

Good to hear from you....i have been wondering how you are...of course i imagined you found some exotic island to relax on.......

Have a good break, my friend.

We'll be here when you return.

I'd be curious to know if you are feeling different now that you are past the 2 year mark? Do you think you hit Dr. Harley's 2 year threshold? I haven't seen too many people discuss this ... it might be because so many don't come back to tell about an extended Plan B. I know we saw what happened to Mulan ... I was scared after that. I don't want to be shocked like that.

I know Dr. Harley has discussed at length moving on after 2 years. I can only assume he has seen it in his practice, and hence that is why he recommends that action. I just haven't seen life examples on the boards (very few that is).

You are fortunate your WH sees your boys ... in my case my WH not seeing his kids has drained me so much hatred is creeping in.

Bless you, Scotland. Enjoy your time to yourself and your boys:)