After 27 years, and the week I retired after a 34 year career, my husband broke the news he had another woman and wanted a separation. He then made plans to go visit her right in front of me to rub it in more after I cried. He got meaner as the week passed. He tried to get someone to rent him a room. He couldn�t do it. He then told me if he left, I�d have to take care of the house and everything myself. Being just retired, I didn�t have the money nor could I keep it up by myself. It just got uglier and uglier, so I started camping out in a small apartment.
I found out later this was all a planned attack. Because I retired from the Fed Gov, he knew I would not get a full retirement check for months, so, he timed it to hurt me the worst financially. After I started staying overnight at the apt, he changed the locks then moved in his mistress with my whole life in my home. No separation agreement. They then went through all 53 years of my life - deciding what I could and could not have - then tossed the rest outside.
I couldn�t do anything about anything. He wouldn�t cooperate with me or my atty in anyway. He lied to his own atty about moving in his mistress. He even tried to refinance our home without giving me any equity which of course didn�t go through. He told me he wasn�t my friend and he hated me. The two times I went back to try and retrieve my belongings I had to call the police to let me in. He had alarms set as well to keep me out.
His mistress posted pictures of he and her in my home on Facebook and bragged about the love of her life and living in my home. She had hosted Thanksgiving and then her and my husband hosted his family for Christmas as I had done for years. It is if she has taken my identity and everyone has accepted it. He didn�t tell his atty the truth until just before court.
Finally got a Pendente Lite hearing 5 months later. He was ordered to let me back to my home to retrieve my belongings without his mistress there, take over all the house payments and upkeep, and, pay me spousal support. He later agreed to put the house up for sale because he could no longer afford it with his mistress not working. His mistress was put on the stand in court and had to admit living in my home without any income. It was ugly.
I had no choice but to file for divorce. Now, 8 months later we are still in limbo. He is still living with his mistress, paying me temp support and our homeis up for sale at a reduced asking price. He has lost his new truck, we lost a new camping trailer and his ugliness, attacks and no cooperating in any way has now cost me over $20,000 in atty/court fees. He is broke. At 56 years he has to start all over again. He has lost everything except what we may get out of our beautiful home at a distressed sale. Instead of having a wife with a decent income, he now has his mistress with no income. He has also sabatodged his retirement as he owes me a good portion of his TSP account per US Code.
Yet, I still love him. He has really made a fool out of himself. I had us set up for the rest of our lives but it is like he became jeleous of me because I made better decisions and had something to show for it through the 27 years of our marriage. I am in better financial shape than he is, although he makes more than I do. I just made better decisions and had a small inheritence.
I really don�t want a divorce and would be willing to talk. However, no one from his family will have anything to do with me. There is no one who talks to me that talks to him except our 2 children. One child has pretty much stayed in the middle while the other has sided with her father - finding she is getting no where with her �wants�. We have no separation agreement as he is fighting everything. But, of course we are ordered to stay away from each other as usual. I know I am probably better off without him. But, I also feel he has needed professional help for his mid life crises problems, and, feel if he woke up to what he has done, how he (and her) have hurt so many people, it is possible to salvage with a new beginning. I offered before he moved her in to our home, but, he insisted he wanted a divorce. His decisions seemed rather rational and I�m not sure that he knew what he was really getting himself into and feels the same.

I've posted this all on the Divorce topic, but, my heart tells me I really want to try and salvage the marriage. I don't feel like there is anything I can do.

Is there any hope here? Suggestions?

So sorry to see your situation, it is very sad that a 27 year marriage is ending like this.

Why is your DD siding with your WH, are you inferring he buy her off? I don't know, but I would be pretty sad about one being neutral and the other siding with a person that locked their mother out of her house.

Perhaps instead of focusing on your WH, you refocus on yourself and your kids. You can't fix your WH, so don't even think about helping him with mess.

Sometimes, when a person does that much against the other, especially when you have a family together, do you really want that person back? Think about it.

Do you understand Plan A and exposure?

There is hope and the plans may motivate him to do better.

But you must be tough on him.and you must let him go if he does not get on board 100 per cent.

Has his affair been exposed to all or do people simply think he left before getting together with her?

What is his attitude towards you now? What is he willing to do to prove himself?

DON'T tell him about this site just yet. You may need to snoop etc and we can help you with that.

Sorry, this part explains his current attitude

Its not a 'mid life crisis' which is making him so irrational. We see this behaviour everyday from people of all ages. We call it the fog.

He is addicted to her, and the cheap admiration she provides. Having two women at the same time adore you floods the brain with the feel good chemical dopamine (more addictive than crack cocaine) and turns him into a dope. He doesn't see you actually meet more needs than she does and only sees that the lovely dope arrived when she did.

Do a three week plan A in which you look good, meet his needs and avoid any anger or lovebusting but also stand up for yourself in warning there will be no buddy buddy divorce - he is not acting like a friend and will lose ALL contact with you.

Then try a Plan B so he can experience exactly how much of a disaster this bed he has made will be to lie in. All the time he will remember how amazing you were in Plan A.

It also stops the OW competing with you and shoving her success in your face. Imo she has no real interest in your hubby. She just wanted someone to choose her over a quality woman. With you out the picture she will prob get bored.

Plan B also heals you and makes divorce hurt less so its a win-win no matter what he does.

I've read your story, posted many times over many threads that you start and then abandon.

I don't think you should go into Plan A. Your H has been viciously cruel to you over many months. You will humiliate yourself by attempting to meet his ENs while he is living with OW. He will either reject everything you try to do outright, as he has been doing for a long time, or he will use you for sex for as long as you let him. I am already worried about your mental health and I think that a failed Plan A (because it will fail) will send you over the edge.

You haven't had much contact with WH, and I suggest that you make this a proper Plan B and let the divorce go through. Have nothing to do with him, except for court dates. If the affair crashes and burns he might seek to reconcile and you can consider that then. However, right now you need to stay far away from this man and get mentally healthy.

Ah. Its not a good idea to do that.


Plan B then.

Plan B, divorce, protect your financial assets.

I don't have an IM. I've been left cold. I have no idea of how he really feels and he has no idea of how I feel except that in the beginning I was devistated. It is so hard watching everything we built together go down the drain while this woman gets a free ride. I don't think it has hit him yet that at 56 he has to start all over again and will probably not be able to retire at 59 as planned. I had him set up because he always lived for the moment and never looked ahead. He has thrown it all away. Our home is now for sale at a distressed price. All equity will probably be lost for both. We are now just going by court orders until the trial. We have no separation agreement as he won't cooperate. The Pendente Lite hearing which was suppose to last only a half hour turned into an hour in a half with his mistress being put on the stand. It was ugly. He did not get his way. I'm just still looking for a ray of hope. I don't believe this woman is going to end up being his dream and it is a crying shame so much hurt and destruction that has been caused as a result of their actions.

Hi Beep, I can hear your hurt, anger and confusion. Get an IM. Please, do this for you.

An IM when used well brings peace and keeps you out of the drama as much as possible.

I have actually been trying to find an IM since he told me he hated me and wasn't my friend when things went real ugly. I can't find anyone. That has been for 6 months. My son is the only one who will talk to me and to him and be neutral. He won't share anything back or forth. He did share about a month ago his father was very stressed. I have told him how I feel, but, his advice is just to sit back and let it take its course. He won't share anything. I can't blame him - but - he is the only one there is. I honestly feel my son feels we should divorce and I know my son is disappointed in how his father has done. The rest is just hear say and there is no direct contact. I do however have my husbands email at work. I have sent him a couple of emails recently to inform him of forms coming to sign as a result of the court order. Short and simple. He did respond very simple and I let him have the last word but they were very brief and business. He does have a niece I could perhaps send a letter to. I'd be willing to bet she would share. But, she refuses to talk to me but does indeed talk to him. Same with the rest of his large family. But, if I wrote her, I don't know what to say except that I'm willing to talk. I will say this, my husband has been cooperative since getting slapped by the judge. Any suggestions?

I saw you posted this on another thread. You should really stick to one thread if you want help.

Did you ever find a proper IM? Your son should not be passing meassages.

Have you read these?
How to Plan B properly
IM Training School

I have not found an IM. I just can't seem to find anyone who will talk to both of us. I know my son is NOT the proper one. He is the only one that talks to us both. He is right to remain totally neutral. Except for a couple of minor email notes I've sent to my WH to let him know he was sending my checks to the wrong street address, and, that paperwork was coming in the mail for him to sign as a result of the court order, there has been no contact except from lawyer to lawyer. I've spent over $20,000 in atty fees because of his noncooperation. We've only gotten to the Pendente Lite hearing. Now that the judge has ordered he pay me temp support, he is finally cooperating. It is so hard watching everything you built over 27 years and worked for all of your life totally gone - while his mistress gets a total free ride at both of our expense. I'm hopeful he will come out of the fog before it is too late. If I post my situation on some other thread, it is probably because I'm sharing my experience. I personally like to hear from people who have similar feelings. My brain hurts to. I'm so lost and miserable. I'm trying so desperately to deal with all of this.

Beep, I'm worried for your health. Surviving adultery AND abandonment is the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through. Some posters have likened discovering a spouse's betrayal as worse than rape or the death of a child. We know the pain. Hugs for you.

You can't control your WH's actions. Right now, he is an alien. Whether the man you married ever returns and fights the alien, you can't predict.

All YOU can do is look after yourself. Heal. The best way to do that is follow the plans.

Plan B is long overdue IMO. Plan B allows you to remove yourself from the drama as much as possible. It allows you to think less and less of WH and OW, so that you can think about YOU. What YOU need and what YOU want. It allows you to start to process the pain you have experienced and attend to your wounds. Right now, the contact you having with WH (direct or indirect) is just inflicting new wounds without the original wounds having been treated.

You're right, your son is not the right choice for IM. IM does NOT need to be someone who knows or talks to both you and WH. IM is YOUR choice. Not WH's. Who cares whether he is comfortable or not? This is about YOU.

Do you have friend who could do it? Someone from church? Some people have even had work colleagues...

The IM does not even need to live near you. Some IM's have never even met the BS in real life. All communication is done via email. The major requirement in choosing an IM is that he/she will act in YOUR best interests. And that means not passing on ANY information about WH unless it is relevant or he had agreed to meet your conditions for recovery.

Thanks Caracal. "Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is" is so difficult. I've gone from a size 16 in Aug and been a size 8 since Dec. All that in three months. I'm at least maintaining now.

I guess right now there isn't anymore contact that needs to be made after my couple of emails as long as he continues to cooperate. The real estate agent is the go between for the house. It is Atty to Atty and that is so costly. Everything sent and communicated cost dearly.

I would like for him to know that I would reconsider a reconsiliation. He'd still be able to retire and we could salvage something since I wouldn't be getting a large portion of his 401k and spousal support. This is where I'd like him to know that because I filed for divorce and have stayed away, that isn't what is in my heart and soul. I thought about sending a letter to one of his neices who talks to him who I used to be close with. I think she would share with him.

I'm still so mind boggled over this woman being worth everything we built for 27 years - plus giving up his ability to retire as planned while she doesn't work and has never had a career. His financial losses are tremendous. He made some very quick and hasty decisions, and, I'd like to think at some point he'll realize he made a big mistake if he already hasn't now experiencing the losses.

I like hearing stories of hope. I really have no one around in person who can do that. I wish there was a divorce support group near me but there isn't. I do have a male friend, but, just a friend. He is one of few people who has been my friend. I don't feel right about that either, but, I'm so desperate to have interaction with someone. I still feel so attached to my WH and I'm trying so hard to let go but in a stuck situation with the home still for sale and can't get a court date for divorce until Sep.

I appreciate kind responses. It is such a hurtful and destructive situation for all except for his mistress....who is getting the free ride.

It's impossible to share deep persoanl problems with a member of the opposite sex without building up a lovebank. Youre headed for an RA. This is the most vulnerable, likely time of your life to succumb to an A, please protect yourself and end this friendship.

You need a reeal support network. Where are your family and friends? Maybe that could be the focus of your plan B.

Oh and get an IM!!!! It just needs to be a fairly calm, able to cool headed freind who will treat him neutrally.

Aaah, the infidelity diet. I'm glad to hear you are maintaining now. Please look after yourself.

I'm concerned about this. You have left the communication lines open. I bet you often sit there and wonder if WH will respond. If one day he will contact you, remorseful, repentant, wanting recovery. How often do you check your email, waiting for this? How compulsively do you check your voicemail / messages? I know the anxiety of WAITING. What if that day never comes? Or worse, comes a year too late, when you no longer have any LB$ left for WH?

There is no guess here Beep. There is NO contact that needs to be made unless your WH is committed to recovery. If or when that times comes. Right here and now, you are better off having an IM and attorney deal with any communication. So that you can start to heal and move forward with personal recovery. That way, if WH ever pulls his head out, you will be much stronger and in a better position to deal with marital recovery. And if he doesn't, you will be healing without him.

This is exactly what a Plan B Letter, delivered to WH, comprises. Did you ever send a PBL? This is very important before entering Plan B, as it shows the WS the directions back to the marriage.

Beep, please get yourself into a proper Plan B. What is holding you back from this?

Caracal has summed it up perfectly. You need a Plan B letter and you need an IM.

Only an IM can shield you from the 'waiting and wondering' not to mention the hassle and false promises.

When in Plan B you stop waiting.

Quoted for impact.