I wanted to start a post that deals with the issue of WW and for a place for WH's to support each other. All WS know how hard it is to deal with an A in a marriage but sometimes it helps to talk to someone of the same sex that can relate.
It would also be nice to have WW's respond and try to help each side to understand some of the complex emotions and questions that may come up.


Any how, my story sounds like most of the rest. My wife had an affair, I found out, trickle truth, decided to try to save marriage, been 2 years since affair started, some progress but not even close to getting over it, using MB to try to save marriage, still trying.

For me the affair is still a huge issue while she just wants to forget (and I would too if I could). Some days seem okay while others are unbearable. The biggest issue for me is becoming sexual without having thought of her being with the other man. It is very hard to show any emotion when I know she shared so much with him. It will be two years since the affair started and in 4 months it will be 2 years since D-day. I feel that I should be farther along than I am and I need to forget or at least be able to function for more than a day without thinking about the affair.
We have had some really heated fights about this, the fighting never helps the marriage, however, I do get a chance to express my feelings and that takes a load off my mind. I just need to know to love my wife like I did before, and how do I see her and not get upset about the affair and what she did?

My wife would just as soon forget it all, like yours.

In truth, it takes a wife who has done what mine has done to make things workable. Strict adherence to all the rules within MB, making me whole by meeting my unmet needs, and doing everythign in her power to avoid speaking of, refering to, or even the vaguest allusion to her A is her claim to sucess. She was practicing ALL MB rules for a WW before I found this site and bought the books. She read just a little of one them and i can say she has not missed one step.

Me, Ive been reducing my need to vent my anger quite a bit. I can say each episode that can be catagorized as 'bringing up the past' is further apart then the last. I have 'swallowed' a lot of my need to know certain things. And, none of these episodes were in raised voiced. Maybe not a huge differentiator to some, but in my mind it is.

She has spent nearly 335 days showing me that all that time she was with him meant little her. It was only a mistake. I have chosen to forgive her and in doing so I give little credibility to their relationship.

She was gratified to a great degree that it ended because she didnt know how to end it. There was big element of addiction and weakness and fear and these are the central parts we've worked on together. Yes, she had kids and a husband who was/is a basket case, but it paled in comparison to the mental self abuse she maintained for way too long.

The key is to stop fighting. Stop yelling. She knows she screwed up. She cannot undo sleeping with the other guy. If you have a remorseful woman committed to making you her husband again, that my friend, is about as good as it going to get.

The key is to stop fighting. Stop yelling. She knows she screwed up.
She cannot undo sleeping with the other guy. If you have a remorseful
woman committed to making you her husband again, that my friend, is
about as good as it going to get.

Worth repeating!

After reading this, I emailed my FWW thanking her for everything she is doing to heal the damage that was done and create a wonderful future for us. I see threads everyday with unrepentant H's and W's. Makes me very grateful to have the W that IS remorseful.

She thanks me at least 3 times a week for saving her from her own self-destruction that was the A.

I feel ya Mike. Without that true heart attitude, TRUE remorse, committment to MB program it seems like an impossible task. I know I am not settling from crumbs or second best. No way.

Wouldn't even consider trying to reconcile without it!

Just wanted to point out that vmmusa's marriage is what results when a marriage does not use the Marriage Builders program. Instead of creating a happy marriage, resentment and bitterness are his lot in life.

When those bad feelings are not replaced with a great marriage, the wound festers and grows.

This is your future for those of you who think you can cut corners.

Like Harley says, there is a very narrow path for true recovery and if one settles for crumbs, their lot in life will be misery. Why in the world would a person sign on for that?

Vmmusa,

Do you still work with OM and does your W still work with him?

Did you ever consider getting your W a polygraph?

God Bless
Gamma

I like to read the posts of some of the people whose spouses cheated on them 15, 20+ years ago.

For them to still be interested in coming onto a site such as this and to offer suggestions on infidelity means to me that one really never gets over it.

I like to think that although it will be with me forever, the need to think about it constantly wont.

Some say 2 years is a milestone point where the total consumption of a spouses affair subsides. So for you to be at the point and still fighting and rocking the recovery boat, that would be concerning to me. You may be not hitting on all cylinders in MB technique.

What I think takes 2 years to absorb in our heads is that no matter what a BS says in contrition it will never be enough. Therefore, one should accept a higher level of affection, honesty, openness, and all the other good stuff at face value and let the past be just that, passed. I read your original thread and you stopped writing after you exposed to OMW.

Its certainly a work in progress, all of the above, for me.

Although my wifes OMW exposed to me and my wife went into radical adultery recovery mode instantly, I still made sure I laid out all that I needed to happen to go forward. And she has been a model of that. We havent heard much about your wife's adherence to MB since a couple of years ago. (Unless theres another thread I didnt see.)

For them to still be interested in coming onto a site such as this and to offer suggestions on infidelity means to me that one really never gets over it.

Depends, my friend on what "it" you mean us oldsters never get over!

Can only speak to myself, dude, so take this for what it's worth. I did not have MB as I (we, actually) dug out of the rubble of d-night and the aftermath. Bride and I were slightly lost about IF, and and seriously lost about HOW, we should attempt to reform our marriage. That feeling of disorientation, of solitude, of self-doubt, is the memory that brings NG back here.

It is not about "getting over" the events and sense of betrayal; those ended just ahead of schedule, roughly at the eighteen-month mark.

VMM, what, if anything, has your W done to offer just compensation? Or the contrary, what has she NOT done that you have needed her to do?

The reason I keep coming back is not because I haven't gotten over it, but because I get great personal satisfaction helping others get over it. When I arrived, I got very little help at all. Rather, I was attacked by wayward wives for making "DJs" against adultery. Waywards pretty much ran this place then and if you pointed out that adultery was, in fact, pretty despicable, posters were quickly shut down. The loud and proud OW from the TOW used to troll over here on a regular basis.

My oh my, how times have changed!

Not only that, but you might have to wait a long time for someone to respond to your post. Scrutiny ran rampid during those times and there weren't too many posters helping the BS. I felt bad for those that were in emergency situations and didn't get repsonses.

"Get over it?"


One of the greatest things I have come to accept is that when it comes to great trauma, you don't "get over it" it doesn't "go away."

Infidelity, loss of a spouse, loss of a child, loss of a sibling, being beaten, robbed, mugged, raped...

You don't "get over it."

Mental and/or emotional trauma changes a person, moreso than a person's will could ever hope to.


Now, before you get mopey on that, look at it again; you are changed, not broken.

You change. You grow. You adapt.

You live.

Pining for what I was, pining for what I've lost... is not moving forward.

Like losing a limb, you learn to move forward and adapt to your new condition.

Sheesh. Just a mistake, huh. Like forgetting to carry a one when adding a column of numbers?

For some BH this is not good enough. But we often do not realize this until years after DDay. Any M to any adulteress, no matter how remorseful they are, can never ever actually be good enough.

Vmmusa, I will never get over the 10 years of sex she had with OM. It simply isn�t going to happen. No matter what she does or does not do, MB specific or anything else. You may be in the same state. You should think on it.

I did not cut any MB corners. I really didn�t. Yet a post adultery M is still not good enough, and never under any circumstances will be. Period. Has little to do with MB. I think it is me. And the fact that it was a VLTA with multiple DDays. Turns out I am too stupid to be safely married to anyone. So, I cannot allow myself to be manipulated by my ENs. Not by anyone. Not any more. Not in the slightest. Never again. I have safely expunged my ENs entirely.

Mel, I will always remember you, Pep and Believer were the first posters to respond to my incoherent initial posts all those years ago. I was very nearly incapacitated when I first came here. I did not even know how to post on an internet forum. You guys taught me how to kill even a VLTA, and kicked my butt around the forum until I acted. I think I have evolved in a different direction over the past two or so years though, and my future looks very bright to me. But, I remain thankful to you for picking me up off the blood-soaked floor and hosing me off. You remain in my prayers.

The reasons many come here long after the fact is the A was many years ago but the BS just found out about the A from 20 years ago now. So it is new news to them. Or the BS is here because they never got any answers to their questions about the A from their WS. Not knowing has them still chasing for answers from 10, 20, 30 years ago.

"I did not cut any MB corners. I really didn�t. Yet a post adultery M is still not good enough, and never under any circumstances will be. Period. Has little to do with MB. I think it is me. And the fact that it was a VLTA with multiple DDays."

If you were following Marriage Builders you would be either in a happy, fulfilling marriage or you would be divorced. Not in between.

It will never be a good marriage because your wife never got on board. MB can't force someone to take steps for recovery against their will. So in those cases where a WS refuses to give just compensation, Harley recommends Plan B and then divorce.

When I say cut corners, I am referring to marriages where BOTH are committed to recovery. And even in many of those cases, the majority of BSs REFUSE, I mean REFUSE to take steps to recover the marriage. They won't raise the bar and set conditions for their WS.

So with you it had nothing to do with cutting corners, but with your wife's refusal to do this program. Let me ask you, did you ever even go to her with a list of conditions?

If a person is following Marriage Builders, they end up one of 2 ways: in a happy, fulfilling marriage or divorced. Nowhere does MB subscribe staying in a crippled marriage.

Dday was 7 years ago for us, and we're still here. Granted, not nearly as much as we were in the beginning, but we remain because we KNOW a great marriage IS possible after an affair, and to be able to pass that message of hope on to others is very important to us.

Remember also that the Marriage Builders program is not just designed for those who have experienced adultery in their marriages -- It is a program for ALL marriages. Being here helps to keep Mr. W and I focused on what it takes to have and maintain a successful and fulfilling marriage. For us, Marriage Builders has been and continues to be a Godsend.

Mrs. W

AMEN!

Mrs. W

Really?

UP YOURS !

Go ahead, notify the mods.

Hey, I was just about to recommend that Mike ask you about your continued participation here!

Mrs. W