Hello,


I will try to be brief and use as many acronyms as I can. My DH of 16 years deployed last year to Afghanistan, where long story short, he met the OW. Our marriage up until that point had become like many marriages do over time -Seemed to have lost that spark, didn't make time for one another etc, and he complained many times he didn't feel appreciated. While he was deployed I remained at home pregnant with our second child and taking care of our 6 year old. Also I was dealing with other issues - my half sister had terminal cancer, my dad developed cancer and even my Great Dane had developed a very serious illness. I mention this only because I was generally a very crabby person while DH was deployed. I complained constantly to him while he was away and neglected to send him a father's day or anniversary gift on time. Our phone and chat interactions were not always pleasant and he expressed to me his hurt that I "forgot" Father's day.

Enter OW - she was there for him as a shoulder to cry on and more.. Fast forward to his return home end of November and I immediately noticed an extreme change in him the minute he gave me a kiss. Very cold, very distant. Days went on like this and he gave me every excuse. It was reintegration issues, post traumatic stress etc. I cried myself to sleep many nights over the way he was behaving and questioned him many times only to get the same answer. Fast forward again to December, his friend was visiting from out of state and we were all looking at his facebook photos from over there. I noticed he had a lot of pictures of this one woman and I jokingly said "She's cute, who is she?" Then he stammered, said "Oh I can't recall her name she was a girl that worked in XYZ" That is the moment I knew something was up. I knew he knew her name, and that they were even in fact friends on facebook. I let it slide then, but a few days later I noticed she wasn't on his list anymore. So I did a little detective work and logged in as my sister and low and behold she was on HIS list still. So she was blocking ME. That's when I went to DH and asked WTH was going on.

His story was they were "just friends" and that he had confided in her about our marriage troubles and that he was actually contemplating divorce and had been reading up on it while he was over there. He then agrees to break contact with this "Friend". (BTW she lives in the midwest and us on the west coast.) But of course I launched into full detective mode and found out he bought her red roses. Also I checked his cell phone log only to find out he was calling and texting her any chance he could get since he had been home. This is when he admits it was an emotional affair. Meanwhile we have to get through Christmas, the birth of our son and so on. We start marriage counseling as well. But he decides he needs some space so he moves into the spare bedroom at the end of January. All the while something is still very very off. I knew in my heart he was still communicating with her based on how secretive and cold he was acting. Fast forward yet again to Feb. 11. I discovered via snooping online (googling her user name) that she wrote a trip advisor review and was out here visiting. I had an extreme AO, he then told me that night that he had filed for divorce on Feb 9. I demand he call her up and say something!! I was hoping he'd break it off with her but he said on her voicemail "She knows you were out here and I cannot contact you while I go through the divorce" I freak out and take the kids and go stay with my sister down the street. The next day I return home and I am so out of control with emotion. I was yelling at him, making ever threat in the book, then the next minute I am pleading that he not do this. He had lied to me so many times over the past few months. Just friends, then turned to emotional affair etc.

A few days later when the divorce papers returned to him, he had some sort of break down himself and sat at work crying. He came to me and said he couldn't do it. We still attend marriage counseling and tell the counselor all that has gone on. DH then discovers he has a 3 week training course out of state that he must attend from Feb 21-March 17. Great timing... Our marriage counselor suggests we use this time as a separation to think, and that DH should have minimal contat with me and no contact with the OW. Dh tells me that he hasn't been communiating with her all week because after she found out that I knew she was here, she told him she wanted more contact from him, wanted to be able to call him when she wanted etc. When he told her that was not possible, she said she wanted to take a week break from communicating. DH decided to write her an email and tell her he was breaking it off. He agreed to show me the email, I saw it and didn't like it because it made really no mention of working on our marriage, only things like "what's best for my kids, me etc" he agreed to rewrite it and I approved. He sent it to her and BCC'ed me. Then a day later he left for his school out of state. A day before he left for school I discovered another hidden fact. He had actually stopped and spent 5 days with her on his way back from Afghanistan. That is when I knew this had to be a sexual affair as well (another lie). He left for school and about a week in I check his email (he has no idea I have his password) and in his trash folder I see a picture of him and the ow. At first I thought it must have been old. Then I see it looks like they are in a hotel room! After research I discover that the room decor and wall border matches where he is staying for school. Shortly after I discover that, he calls me sounding exteremely happy and tells me that he has had time to do some soul searching and he realized he was missing me etc. I am now thourougly confused because he seemed to do a complete 180 in the way he was speaking to me and behaving about "us". Later that night I cannot stand it any longer and I call him and blow up about the picture of them there and so on. He then tells me that she showed up there, texted him and asked what room he was in. He has told me she is very impulsive and when she came out here she gave him one day notice she would be here. Also there was a possibility my dh would have had to come home that weekend for my sister's funeral, so I don't think he and she planned anything. Anyway, she showed up and wanted to know if the email he sent her was true. He said they talked for about 2 hours and he told her it was and he wanted to work on his marriage and that he realized that regardless of the marriage he and she could never work out because she would never be accepted by his kids, mom etc. So he sent her on her way. I went out there 2 weeks later and he is completely different. No more hiding email, even his work email. His phones are unlocked and so on. So here we are 3 months past discovery and trying to work on our marriage. We are reading "Not Just Friends" and still in marriage counseling.

As for dh he has been coming clean and answering any questions I have. Sometimes I am not sure he's 100% but that's part of learning to trust again I suppose. We are also working on the issues that are the root cause of the affair. Also I wanted to mention that I am no saint, while I didn't have a full blown affair myself, 7 years ago I was having an online EA of sorts with a friend and dh discovered it and was hurt.
I am here looking for support on those days when it all seems impossible to cope with. If you made it this far thanks for hanging in there.

Yeah, months after the affair was supposedly over and he had told her that he was staying with me, my H told me that his whore called him at his hotel room, from a train travelling between Luxembourg and Belgium, announcing that she was on her way. He met her at the station in Brussels and sent her packing.

After I beat him up a few times, he said he in fact took her to his hotel room, had sex with her, and put her back on the train.

After I contacted her H and told him that story, he asked her about it and she said that my H took her to his hotel room where she spent the night.

You're being had, Michelle.

Welcome to MB.

Dear Michelle, your H is much happier now because he has found a way to continue in his affair and has talked his mistress into accepting crumbs. She was probably pushing for him to leave you - for some reason OW, as opposed to OM - are completely NUTS - and he has made some promise or compromise that is keeping her happy for now, and keeping sex on tap. That's what my H did, and was happy once he felt he had sorted out the nightmare of two mad women (me and her) shrieking "do something!!!!" at him from dawn 'til dusk.

You are allowed to see his email because the has set up new accounts that you are not aware of, and he has unlocked his phone because he now has a secret, pre-paid affair phone that never comes into the house. You are in counselling with a professional who has been actively destructive to your marriage and should be reported to her licensing authorities for incompetence - she advised you to separate in the middle of the affair, and told him he "should have minimal contact with you" which is astonishing, and none with OW for a trial period; so business as usual with OW after that period ended, she was saying. My fifteen year-old son could have given you better advice than this.

Your H is happy that you are in counselling, talking about your anxieties and getting your misery off your chest, while he absolves himself of responsibility for those issues and continues to enjoy his affair.

Ask me how I know every single one of those points.

You need to fire the counsellor. Never see her again. Use the MB advice you will get here to bust up this affair and make sure contact never happens again.

You need to begin with exposure and snooping. Somebody here will help you with those. I will be back later.

Counselling is working out great for him, because as long as he shows up weekly and acts all sorry and repentant, he gets to have two women!

You need much better snooping tactics.

Check out the operation investigate forum and get yourself a keylogger, VARs and GPS. I am so sorry, but they are more entrenched than ever.

There is no way a truly repentant man would tell his mistress what hotel room he was in. He simply would not answer her text. In fact he would never have gotten a text, because he would have changed his contact details and amde that impossible in the first place.

Waywards are ADDICTED to the OW, even though she is usually a loser. This is a woman he nearly left his marital home and kids for.

Plus he has her convinced he is 'only staying for the kids' and that 'as soon as' x y or z happens, the soulmate schmoopies can be together.

And you think he passed up the chance for some hotel room nookie with this woman, the woman he is addicted to and he nearly divorced you for?

Yes his attitude changed after that hotel room session. Because they figured out ways to run their affair more secretively.

Contact with an addiction NEVER ends the addiction, it only fuels it.

I know I may seem naive, but I really don't believe he is communicating with her anymore. Of course I could be dead wrong... there is always that possibility.

Is it normal that he would be so honest about the affair now where as before when he said it was over he was not willing to answer anything really, and what he did answer was not the truth. Now he is admitting they had sex when he visited her and so on knowing full well admitting that to me could jeopardize both of their military careers if I were to notify their superiors. Also we have orders to move and he wants to buy a house together with me. Neither one of us make no promises this marriage will work out, but we both want to try.
I snoop around on her online and noticed she has changed her user name online and deleted all her accounts associated with her user name she used to have. Also she changed her cell phone number. I told DH I know all of this. I asked why would she be doing this now and he says he doesn't know, but said maybe because she and I are over and she knows you know all her information?

Dh will be on bedrest for the next 4-6 seeks after a surgery and will have virtually no privacy as I will be here taking care of him all the time. So we shall see... Thoughts?

Snooping is a win-win game for you. If you find nothing, you will feel reassured, but I am afraid that there is no way he is not contacting her. She has his cell number for heavens sake! Why would she give up? Shes an OW - they dont give up. They are not sane.



But he knows you won't. He has just gotten much beter at lying and manipulating you and hiding his tracks.


Well why wouldnt he? He loves you. You meet more needs than the OW. Plus you have also agreed to trust him and so he gets to keep his mistress as well on the side. Of course he wants a house with you.



If he does not have any access to communication tools, she will be well briefed about that and will not expect any contact from him and that there will be a six week break in contact. Has this bedrest began or will it begin soon? If it has not began yet, I would do what I can to snoop before the break in contact begins.

There is a possibility that he will contact her though - will he have access to the internet or a phone during this time?

If so, I would act like your usual unsuspecting self (dont ask for the poly or mention any suspicions until a later date) and wait for him to slip up while you are caring for him.

I would get him a laptop or notepad that he can use easily from his bedside (as an affectionate gift - fill the lovebank) and preinstall a keylogger on there.

Are you guys seeing a Military Family Life Consultant? If so, please STOP!!! Me and my WW saw two different MFLCs. The first even went so far as to say that I didn't need to know if the affair was physical or not, because all that mattered was that my WW wanted to make the marriage work.

I'm not really sure why they do this, but I have a theory: In the disclaimer they read you before the appointment, it says that anything you say is confidential unless you are planning on hurting yourself or others, in cases of child abuse/neglect, and in past or planned crimes...to include military crimes.

Adultery is a crime in the military. If the counselor hears about it, then they have to report it. If they don't report it, and it comes out later, they are in serious trouble.

Edit: Spelling

He was using his work cell to contact her, that's why he didn't change it before he left on his trip. The personal one I have access to the bill and see who calls, they quit using that long ago.
He has a laptop he will be using while on bed rest. My snooping thus far is how I know so much information. But it's no where near the level of users here lol.

Yes, I agree why did he meet up with her while he was at school. I railed on him about that as well. Also why take a picture if she was there to question why he sent her a break up email?? Also he had a forwarded email from his work email (where they communicated) in reply to the break up one he sent. It made no mention of seeing him at the hotel and just wished him well. I think he either made it up to show me or they came up with it together to throw me off.

Bingo.

There isnt an OW in the world who would wish her married lover happiness when he gets back with his wife. She would feel an absolute fool.

Any contact with her will trigger him and make him miss her. So he should have changed his email so that it was impossible for her to contact him with any 'wishes'. But dont bring this up yet. Smile and act dumb and wait for him to give you evidence of continued contact.



Get a keylogger on there!

A lot of time has passed since I first came here. I just wanted to give an update and tell those of you that replied that you guys were partially right. My dh had in fact not spoken to the ow since he saw her on his trip but what he failed to mention to me was that he spent the day with her and told her he needed space and not to contact him. Not that he wanted to work on his marriage, oh no that would be admitting he was lying to her as well. Anyway after that he didn't contact her as promised to me, however she wrote him an email to his work address (which he gave me full access to) telling him she loved him and missed him but couldn't go in not hearing from him even though they "argeed to keep there distance" and that she knew he said he "needed space" but she said she felt like she was becoming a burden to him and so on and so forth. So basically my dh chickened out and didn't have the balls to admit to her he was never honest with her about wanting to be with me. I wrote to her and told her the entire story on my end, how he said he sent her packing etc. She wrote back and said it didn't matter anymore but thanks for the info. A few days later 2 boxes arrived at our door. They were filled with everything he bought her and anything she bought while she was with him along with photos and a card he wrote her. She sent a note in there saying "D you are an [censored]" Michelle enjoy the wine he sent me at Christmas and I am sorry about everything. Now here we are with so much hurt, lies and deceit to process. We are set to move out of state together and I have decided to stay with him and see if we can work through all of this with a counselor. I'm just back on the board for moral support.

Welcome back.

Who has his affair been exposed to?

His mom, and aunt (thats the extent of his family really) his best friend, some of my family. His mom is totally supportive of me and extremely upset with him. He knew the chances of his mom accepting her if he left me were next to nill. As of now he seems to be doing and saying all the right things to help me and us heal. He takes full blame for his actions and admits he messed up big big time etc. It just hurts like hell sometimes.

Buy Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair. (click bookstore link at top left of page)

You both need to read it. Start a nightly routine of reading from this book aloud to each other. Then, discuss it.

Your H needs to offer you "just compensation" in the form of EP (extre-ordinary precautions). H must become transparent, WILLINGLY and GRATEFULLY. H must do everything in his power to eliminate all conditions that allowed him to have his needs met outside the marriage.

Meanwhile, you need to download the LOVE-BUSTER questionnaire. ( link is top middle of page) You cannot really make headway meeting your H's ENs if you are love-busting. You both exchange the completed questionnaires and after a few days to think it over, you discuss the ways you are not going to LB each other.

Doing these things will get you both EVER SO MUCH FURTHER into a real recovery than any hour spend with a counselor.

So no one on OW's side was exposed to?

Why not?

No because oddly enough I found out about her via Facebook. She and DH friended one another while he was deployed with her, I didn't think much of it at the time, he has a lot of co-worker friends. When we were looking over his deployment pics with his friend I jokingly said "Who is she, she's cute?" and he became nervous and said "I don't recall her name...just someone who worked in xyz area" which raised a red flag because duh, I knew they were facebook friends. Anyway, she blocked me shortly after that and made her friends and wall all private. She is not local here with us, so I have never met her in real life, have no idea who her friends/family are. I now know who her step dad is thanks to cyber spying. Apparently her mom knew she was seeing a married man and was ok with it because she actually married her affair partner (ow's step dad!) At this point I don't see any point in exposing her. Is it pathetic I actually felt kind of bad for her? My dh was an [censored] to her too, granted that's what happens when you get involved with a married man. I think she must be super "naive" to believe he was going to leave... She hung on for 2 months after he he last spoke to her before she finally decided to move on.

M95

Any thoughts on the advice I offered?