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I know! What on earth does family history got to do with his current 'I don't wanna' hissy fit? Did his mother used to beat him with polygraph equipment until he developed a deathly fear of it and so he will always be in that five per cent? Don't think so somehow.

Stop whining to your counsellor Mr Starfish and start cleaning up your mess!!!!!

In other words - his expectation is that you accept him as broken instead of pathological.

He needs a mental hospital if he truly believes he can't be honest. Therapy isn't going to fix his brand of brokenness. But he's sure hoping you'll buy this latest yarn he's spinning.

Time for you to block his texts and emails - back to the Plan B you would have been in right now without the drama, had you stayed there.

I will ignore him once I sent him one last response... How exactly should I word it? I would like a few options to choose from to make it my own. Thank you!!!

Here is his newest calendar entry:

4/10: I received another letter from BW. I responded. We both still want to make this work, just not sure if we can.�

I liked Indie's synopsis of the letter. She was right on track. When I read it, having dealt with a very selfish husband of my own for many, many years all I could read was "I, I, I..." all about how your WH was suffering. A truly remorseful WS who understands the pain they have caused does not consider their own pain, because they are too devastated by the pain they have caused their BS. Your WH did not even MENTION the pain he is brought to you, which we, complete strangers, know is immense. He continues to protect himself and his own interests at all cost. He is no where near remorseful, IMO.

...The answer to that question will not change. It will take the truth, a PASSED poly to prove the truth, and nothing less...

I would keep it simple and professional SF, he is using your emotions against you. Your emotions and love for him are his weapon, not yours. You need to let him know that the brain is in charge right now and not the emotions. Or at least thats what HE needs to think, even though it appears that they are in an all out duel.

Yes, that's why Plan B is recommended; to prevent the WS using the BS's love to manipulate her. 'If you loved me, you'd hang on in misery, you'd let me do whatever the hell I want, and not require any care...Can't you see I'm BUSY with my addiction!!!'

Of course if harangued and pestered to give in long enough.. She will. Because the BS loves only ONE person. That's why only a short plan A.



Again, dead on. This is art of war 'when weak appear strong'. Whenever he tries to fire love weapons at Starfish, she must act as though he is firing blanks.

Starfish, this time change your email BEFORE you enter plan B (and any other contact info)

I know you forwarded emails etc to your IM while you looked at changing it but I think you glimpsed bits and were hit by his 'I love you bullets', which put off your grieving period and weakened your resolve a tad.

I'd also get proper financial advice and work out what you need in place legally. Its pretty obvious you won't be able to trust him to consider your interests.

Get a legally binding financial agreement in place or if you have to - file for divorce.

The problem with plan B resuming after a break is it does not look as serious to the WS this time.

He feels q happy to sit back and wait until you break it again.

If you can make it look more severe this time - changed email etc, and financial arrangements, he may take you more seriously and it will protect you from feeling tempted to break it.

I don't think I'm going to respond to his emails. He knows what he needs to do!!!

I'm getting to the point where I'm getting pissed and just want to send an email that says:

TELL THE DAMN TRUTH!!!

Although I completely understand your frustration...heck I myself want to send Mr. Starfish that email...I think it reeks of emotion. Anger, is emotion. And remember, your emotions are HIS weapon in the war. Professional. Controlled. Think like a record player that is stuck on the same thread of a record, calmly repeating the same phrase over, and over. Truth, passed poly, recovery.

And may I add, you broke PB because you missed him, and that is turning into more anger toward him for his continued selfishness, resulting in you going back in PB (hopefully) because you are fed up again, which means you have lost some units to your love bank due to breaking it, and that is I believe one of the many goals of PB to keep you from losing more love units for your WH. So, just saying that we can see the PB and the non PB options both at work here. Haven't ever had to do the very difficult sounding Plan B, but it sounds to me like it works.

So, could I just respond with:

The Truth + Pass a polygraph = Recovery

Is that to the point enough for his stupid butt?
Let me know how I should word it...

My sister just told me that trying to control a situation never works. She said you realize that what you're doing isn't working, right? It's just pushing him in the opposite direction and he isn't going to do what you want. She has no other advice for me right now. She works with and councils people with many types of addictions, including drugs. She said I need to put the energy that I am focusing on him back into myself and do something everyday for myself that treat my mind, body and spirit.

Starfish, you are getting the best advice and you know that. A few years ago I had finally had enough of the lies and wrote a plan b letter had a great IM ready. I sent him the letter and stated that he had lost his right to call this his home and his family. His response was that he understood and knew that to be true. It worked for about 2 weeks until I couldn't take it anymore. I broke plan b and have been in plan c ever since even while separated. The last few years have been worse than those 2 weeks. Unfortunately I haven't been financially able to do it again.

I thought about a poly but I think my husband would pass even if he was lying unfortunately due to his training in his job. It's funny now when I think back and realize some of the lies he has told me. While deployed in 2006 and for a while after he returned I asked him if he had been chatting. His response was always no. Fast forward to 2008 when I caught him because of eblaster and went in to change password. I found another email address I didn't know about, it showed me that he had opened that account just 5 days of being deployed to Iraq. He lied to me for 2 years.

His favorite thing to tell me when I would ask for complete honesty would be to say the same thing your WH is saying......I'm not going to make stuff up. I found out on my own about 1 ONS and his PA. Upon finding out about his PA in 2005 he told me about the other ONS earlier that year. He loves to tell me "why would I tell you about that when I didn't even have to since you had no way of knowing?".

By throwing that at me he thinks that I should believe him about everything. That was until 2008 when he couldn't lie any more about chatting while deployed.

I guess my point is....now, we don't even talk about it. "I" and I alone have allowed him to get away with it and then push it under the rug. To the point that I could really care less about him just sticking it out for our kids and till I can finish school. I'm a good actress because he has no clue as to what I am thinking.

You love your WH so much right now and want your M to work, that's great but you need to stick with your plan this time, because as others have said that didn't stick to the plan that as mine their marriage either has or is crumbling because of the feelings of love get less and less.

Sorry so long, I tend to unfortunately get longwinded.

Hugs and prayers to you,
CW

Starfish --

The point of his email was to buy more time.

He wants to position himself as working very hard in "counseling" but yet stalling as to why not much progress is being made.

And then being oh-so-sad to play on your sympathy.

He's hoping he can come home based on this. Because once he's "back in", he's pretty confident that he can continue to stall and delay -- and maybe even feed you another few scraps that will get you off track entirely.

Its a shame that OW's husband is not helpful. It seems pretty obvious to me that they have a trainwreck going on over there.
HIS ex-wife is causing trouble in their marriage (hmmmm....is he having an affair too? Or did OW's/OWH marriage start out as an affair? Otherwise why would his X-wife be trying to get OW fired??? Lots of red flags there -- and if he is also wayward, it might explain why he is not so helpful...)

Thank you for sharing your story with me and I'm so sorry for what you have been through!!! Big hugs to you and wishing you all the best!!!

That is Plan B.

Yes, I know... The hardest part is no communication, but I realize that's not benefiting me either. After breaking my plan, my word is about as good as his at this point.

So, do you guys think I should respond to either one of his emails?

Hey, she's back!

Not responding will prob encourage him to come round and hassle you. He is an addict therefore TOTALLY dedicated to getting you on board with his cake-eating plan.

Send a one/two line email about how he needs to pass a poly and let you know the date he has booked ASAP.



This made me giggle but its clear your love bank for him is dwindling. I'd get into Plan B sooner rather than later before it disappears entirely and you don't give a damn about marital recovery - and start to love bust. Best to go into Plan B from a positive place.



Absolutely! Once you are through that pesky withdrawal, Plan B is like a yoga retreat. Peaceful, calm, no drama - plus treats every day are a must.

After you send the email I would become very busy/unavailable. You're not at home waiting for his calls and you are not available to be hassled, understand?

Then get your plan B preps sorted out.

So, how about this:

WH,

I think I've made it very clear with you what it's going to take to keep me in this marriage.
Tell the truth, the whole truth and pass a polygraph.
Contact Joe Black @ 888-888 to schedule an appt and let me know ASAP.

Thank you!
Love,
BW

He just called and I told him over the phone what it's going to take. I told him that I would email him the name and number for the polygrapher. I told him he already knows what he needs to do... tell the truth and pass a poly. I told him I was willing to do my part and now it's time for him to do his part if he wants to work on the marriage. He said, "I've already done my part BW.". I then told him someone was at the door and I needed to go... Goodbye.