Hey everyone,

I recently found out through my wife of 2 years (through her admission) has had an affair over the last 2 months with her work colleague. She has had feelings for him for over two years and only acted on it recently as I was away on business for 5 weeks. She is 29 and I am 28. We dont have kids.

She has apologised for everything and wants to make it work with me. I have asked her to end the affair which she has. We are getting individual councelling as the therapist says we arent ready for couples therapy as my wife is still struggling to let this other guy go and move on with me.

Right now my wife loves me, but is not "in love" with me and is only going off her feelings.

My question is, ive now realised that I havent been meeting her emotional needs and ive let her down quite badly too, and ive also realised im quite a needy, emotional guy. How do I give her the space and attention required for her to make this decision? Been needy is making it worse, so do I just ignore her and pretend not to care?

Do I just focus on myself? We live in HK (just moved over a moth ago) and I was wondering if I should tell her to move back home to australia and live with her parents until she sorts herself out? Part of me wants to give up on her for this betrayal, the other part wants to give this my all and make this work.

What do I do? I want to show her I am strong in myself.

Hello patty. I am sorry you have had to find MB, but glad you did.

Firstly, you are going to have many feelings for awhile. Second, if you want to stay married, don't send your wife back to oz.

The best advice I can give you is to make an appt for counselling w/the Harleys. Don't waste time or money with others (I've been there).

Read the basic concepts on this site. Order the books surviving an affair, his needs her needs, and lovebusters.

Post here often w/questions. The people here are incredibly helpful and will give you good advice about making sure the A is dead and how to handle your WW.

Don't make any big decisions. And hang in there.

Hello Patty and welcome to the best place to be in your circumstances. MB saved my marriage and I hope that it will save also yours.

Two quick ponts to consider

- there will be NO recovery as long they are working together (working together means that the affair is still on)
- separation will damage your chances greatly

Necessary steps of recovery (sequence cannot be changed!!!)

- ending the affair (without closure meeting or phone call or whatever rubbish you WW suggests). There is No Contact letter template (i hope somone will post it here)
- maintaining no contact for life
- surviving the withdrawal (take from couple of weeks from couple of months, if more then there is secret contact)
- real recovery starts

First step - Kill the Affair. If you were getting emotional "goodies" from two sources, how quickly would you give one up? That's my way of saying that waiting for her to break it off with OM is going to be a loooooong wait.

You, however, can almost certainly kill it in an afternoon. Put together the evidence you have of her infidelities, assemble a list of every important person in both their lives, including all the folks at their jobs, and EXPOSE what they've been doing.

(Okay, here's the part where you protest that you're afraid...., that she might get fired......, that her grandmother has a medical condition......, yada, yada, yada.....and waste precious time while she's getting more comfortable banging this other guy.)

Good, now that that's out of your system, get to work!

Yes to what NG said above.

You have only been married for 2 years, and your WW has been pining for this guy for the whole time you have been married.

You have a young marriage, no kids, and your whole life in front of you. In your circumstances, Dr. Harley recommends simply divorcing and moving on.

Agreed with BB. If I had know that early in my marriage, I would have gotten out. Now I have a child with my WW who has been wayward for our entire (9 year) marriage. That makes things infinitely more complicated. I'm not a vet here, but that would be my advice based on personal experience. Sorry you're here.

Welcome to Marriage Builders
We're all about the PLANs here.
We're all about reading/learning MB here.


The affair/adultery has taken place the ENTIRE length of your marriage.
The emotional affair is as dangerous to your marriage as the physical affair/adultery.

Your WW is probably lying about many of the "details" she's given to you.
Including when the physical adultery started.



You can walk away from this disgusting adultery today, no one here will fault you.


Really? Did her 'apology' include any "but" ???
Such as: "I know what I did was wrong, BUT I was unhappy."
Any 'apology' with an associated "but" in not really an apology.


So she says.
Does she mean she's no longer screwing OM?
Or, does she mean there is no contact of any sort with OM?
ANY contact, of any sort, is a continuation of the adulterous affair. INCLUDING work contact.
No texts?
No phone calls?
No longing looks across the work site hallway?
No smoke-signals?
No hand gestures?


I call bull-crap!

Individual counseling right now is dangerous to your marriage.
The counselor is probably saying something like:
"You have the right to do things in order to be happy."



This is the 'crumb' of a 'maybe' love that the waywards use in order to give you false hope and try to keep you from stirring things up too much.
Of course she can't be IN LOVE with you.
The garden grows where one puts fertilizer and water.
I don't give a whit about WW's feelings. Her over-indulgence towards her feelings led her to become a liar, a cheat, an adulteress.


So what?
Your personality type in no way allows for another adult to willingly compromise their values, become a liar/cheat/adulteress.


NO SPACE !
NO PRIVACY !

You cannot sit around and wait for a liar/cheat to make her decision.

What is YOUR decision?


How about being honest?
How about taking BOLD steps to rescue the marriage (if that is your goal)?


NO !

You learn about MB and you implement the PLANS.
You show YOURSELF what a decisive man you are.



Well? Which is it?


EXPOSE the affair to everyone!
Your family.
WW's family.
OM's family? (is he married?)
Your friends.
Your pastor.
And, importantly, you expose the adultery to WW's administration, since this is a work-place affair.

You NEVER tell WW about exposure.
You just do it.

"Hello. I'm saddened to inform you that WW has been having a secret affair the entire time we've been married. Her adultery partner is (name OM). (If OM is married: OM is married with 2 kids) I am hoping that our young marriage can survive this betrayal. I know adultery thrives in secrecy. I am not punishing WW by denying her affair the secrecy it needs to continue. I am exposing this adultery to the light of truth in hopes that this affair is dead and never begins again. Please pray for us."


EXPOSURE is just about the strongest/boldest/gutsiest thing you can do.
Without apologies for speaking the truth and breaking the secrecy surrounding lies/adultery/betrayal.


[video:youtube][/video]

[color:#CC0000]EXPOSURE 101 (link)[/color] <~~~ CLICK HERE !!!

Ok just to clear things up.

We both are from Australia, and the affair happened there. My wife and I have been together for 6 years but married for two. She told me just before our wedding that she had feelings for this guy and we worked on it together and cut him out of our lives.

We got married and this guy became friends with her again, and they were just friends up until 2 months ago. I promise you that I have gone through everything and the physical affair only happened for two weeks.

We then moved to HK and my wife told me everything, she has been 100% completely open and honest with me about all the details. She was in denial and honestly they could be just friends. I have now asked her to cut contact with the guy (who is still in Australia) and she has, I have access to her Facebook, skype and emails and she knows that, I have been keeping an eye on it and contact has been cut. I have approached the other man and told him in no certain terms will I allow any more contact.


He did contact her yesterday in a sms and my wife showed me straight away and she didnt reply.

As for exposing her, are you guys for real?? I want my marriage to work, not throw her to the sharks. I still love my wife and in that I am guarding her heart from others judgement. We have exposed her affair to our pastor and our councellor and two of our closest friends and that is it.

My wife and I are having individual coucelling not becuase the therapist is saying that its all good and do what makes you happy, its because we are two unhealthy people and there is no point recociling to unhealthy people as that will create an unhealthy marriage again. I am working on me, she is working on her and in all that we will rediscover what we had. We only have eachother in HK and with Gods grace and love we will make it.

God says that what he puts together let no man seperate and I will not let this destroy my marriage. I am motivated out of love for my wife, not hate, and will not act out of anything but that love. That is stronger then all. Its not a sign of strength to go tell the world my wife had an affair, the would come from a spirit of fear or control. I will not have a marriage where I own my wife and make her decisions for her.

I thought by posting on these forums I would get helpful advice, and some of you have given that, but some advice is just hateful.
My wife made a mistake and I know her intimately, she is not a liar and never has been, thats why she told me what she did after it lasting only two weeks.

Pattyjh,

Even if you do not expose your WW directly, OM need to be exposed to immunize him against a repeated sortie for your WW. Is there a OMW, is he you Ws boss? Carpet bomb OMs world. This guy made a very calculated assault on your marriage.

OM is not a mistake he is an addiction.

God Bless
Gamma

Have you read up on what Dr. Harley Meet Dr. Harley has to say on how to survive infidelity?
Steps to Recover an Affair

Can you afford to call the coaching center? They will coach you and give you a plan.

Has your WW given you just compensation?
No Contact Sample Letters

Will she write a NC letter to her OM and never speak to him again?

Patty, this forum is specific to marriage builders principles for restoring marriage after infidelity. Have you read any of the info on this site, particularly on the forum welcome page re basic principles? What do you wish to accomplish while you're here?

Patty, sorry you have found reason to be here. Please keep reading, you need to get yourself familiar with MB concepts if you want your marriage to survive an affair. Posters here are objective... they are posting to help you. Sometimes you may read things that you react strongly too... question why. In my sitch it was because something in the post cause me fear, doubt or dammit, I just didn't want to admit that to myself.

Just so you know, Pep is one of the best here. Please re-read her post. If I was you, having learned the hard way, I would be following her advice to a tee.


Umm, will sending your WW back to Aus, where POSOM is, away from your scrutiny, help you save your marriage? This makes no sense. The fact that right now, you are the one she is with, allows you the opportunity to Plan A your butt off. You can meet EN's that POSOM can not, simply by being with her. What you need to worry about is POSOM feeding her fantasy about EN's he will meet. Right now, everything you do, she is comparing to POSOM. And the fantasy she has in her head of how life might be like with him.

So you cut him out of your lives for a couple of years before she resumed contact... can you see yet that your WW is addicted? Do you want this addiction to continue for the rest of your marriage until one day your WW ups and rides off into soulmate schmoopie land with OM?

Even believing your WW (and waywards ARE liars, to have an affair is to lie), there has been an emotional affair going on for YEARS.

Because she is "in love" with the OM. She is comparing the height of her addictive feelings for OM to those she has for you.

Umm, to have an affair is to lie. Did she tell you during those two weeks that she was having an affair? Somewhere along the line, your WW has lied. It is what waywards do. After all, she made vows to you to forsake all others. She has not done this. I suspect what you are hearing from your WW is just the tip of the iceberg.

I know this hurts Patty, I know. But posters lying to you isn't going to help you save your marriage.

Learning MB and following the plans gives you the best chance to do this.

Here are the major untruths in your note:

...cut him out of our lives...and this guy became friends with her again, and they were just friends up until 2 months ago. They were not just friends; they remained emotionally connected.

and my wife told me everything, she has been 100% completely open and honest with me about all the details. No, she told you just enough to satisfy you.
I have...told him in no certain terms will I allow any more contact. He did contact her yesterday...

...its because we are two unhealthy people... Maybe so - how many women have you screwed since you married WW?

...she is not a liar and never has been, Oh, so she TOLD you while she was getting trampolined by OM? How....honourable!

Here is the major truth in your note:

...but some advice is just hateful... Yup, we HATE infidelity, we ABHOR lying spouses, we ABOMINATE the APs that attack weakened marriages like vultures going after carrion.

Exposure = standing up for your wife, your marriage.

Exposure = killing the affair.

You expose to save the "addict" out of love...it is not from hate or spite.

What is "hateful" is having an affair. What is hateful is a spouse who is so wimpy that he ENABLES said affair and won't stand up for his marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by helping her hide it, you are driving the getaway car. You are aiding and abetting the crime.

That being said, you are much better off just leaving the marriage before you get more enmeshed. There is not much here to save at all.

You know that in the same breath the same God who said that also said that separation because of infidelity was permissible, right?