I've been back reading the boards the past week, not because of any new events, honestly not sure what made me come back. After reading through a couple of new stories I have been realizing alot of things.

I have helped create the mess of a marriage I am in........yes, I did say that I have helped with it!

I didn't heed the advice I was given years ago (my excuse was that my situation was unique due to WHs job)

Really, it was I just I didn't want to do it!!!

I have now been in my 17 year crappy marriage because I wasn't strong enough to stick to my guns and follow through with my demands of complete and total honesty and that the behavior stops.

I have been to MANY different ICs through the years and always stopped when I was really on the brink of making Real progress. In the past few years I have come to the understanding (through IC and just about every book out there, including MB) that my WH has a serious problem. He has been diagnosed with sexual addiction. I do believe this but just as an alcoholic can correct this so could my WH, he just chooses not to.

I have since found the cycle time frame and am actually waiting for the shoe to drop pretty soon.

The trickle truths and the multiple FRs have left me with caring for my WH because he is the father of my boys but with no love left for him!!

After each new discovery I would always make conditions in which I would consider staying however just as any WS that is not fully invested, he would do it for a short time and when he started slacking off I would allow it. That's why I say I have helped create this mess of a marriage. He damaged it but I ALLOWED it to just get worse and worse.

After being told he was a sex addict, my condition changed to he had to attend SA anonymous meetings and I attend the meetings for families. For me that lasted about a year, just when progress would be made I stopped going, as usual. For my WH his "devotion" to it lasted about 2 months. I again let it slide.

It's funny as even my parents would even say other that the fact he can't be trusted, he has always been a good husband. I know that sounds weird but he has always been supportive and caring and helpful just not trustworthy.

I guess my reasoning for even updating my story is that I want new BSs to realize they can make the changes necessary. Take the advice that the wonderful Vets on here have to offer, LISTEN TO IT AND RUN WITH IT!!!!!

CW

Welcone back confusedwife too bad it isn't for better reasons.

It sounds like you and your WH have never recovered.

Do you know what Dr. Harley says about addictions?

Have you read these by Dr. Harley? Alchol, Abuse and Infidelity
What is Sexual Addiction?

How the Co-dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages

Do you want a plan now to recover your marriage?

Also some excellent radio clips on addiction and co-dependency.
Radio Clip on Addiction
Segment 2

Please listen to the end of segment 2 because Dr. Harley talks about if an addict goes back to their drug of choice then you proceed into Plan B.

Are you interested in recovering your marriage confusedwife?

If not, if your lovebank has hightailed it - why are you still there? You only get one life. You should be happy.

Welcome back CW. I read a post of yours on Starfish's thread. I too have been in Plan C for years, or was up until I discovered these forums a couple months ago I think. My advice. Stay here. Keep reading. Keep learning. Perhaps there is a way to apply all the things these wonderful forums have to offer to your own sitch, so you don't have to just wallow around waiting 1) for the shoe to drop or 2) until you decide your life will start. Don't settle for being the 'here's the woman you will end up being like if you don't do things right' martyr, you deserve better.

Thank you so much for your replies!

Indie -
It's funny you ask if I am wanting to recover my marriage. Just 2 weeks ago the boys and me were visiting my parents for spring break, WH was out of country. My mom asked me if I thought our marriage will work. I told her that I didn't think so. That I will probably get a divorce when I get a job. I say it was funny you should ask because I think that by me saying those words aloud is what brought me back here. I've been in a funk for the last 2 weeks.

Some days I want to leave like yesterday, then others I can see a slimmer of hope that maybe it could work.

Ok, now to the other questions.....

First, sorry I thought I was continuing on my old thread and just changing the subject line, apparently not. I am still here because of financial reasons and my boys.

11 years ago when I first found out about his online chatting that led to finding out about the 1st ONS I did leave, our boys were young and I thought it was best. What brought me back was my FIL saying "do you want to leave knowing your didn't try or do you want to try to make it work and if it doesn't you leave knowing you did everything you possibly could?" That stuck with me for years.

Years later when I had had enough of the "it won't happen again" and "you know everything there is to know" I tried to start plan b, I could do it then because I could stay in the house and the kids could stay in their schools. He was away on training at the time, it made plan b that much easier.

We live on a military post and the kids go to the schools on post. If we divorce I would have to do joint custody and WH have primary for him to keep the house and the boys stay in their schools. THAT'S what is keeping me here for now. Our youngest has struggled so much in school and finally getting the real help he needs. I don't want to change that and have to start all over again and fight for the things he needs.



Reading that made me cry, because YOU'RE RIGHT, that's what I was doing not even realizing it.

Oh by the way, even if I did by some small chance want to try recovery the timing sucks as he is leaving for a 9 month deployment in a couple of months.

Again thanks for your replies.
CW

Oh one more thing, yes I have read those article and listened to the radio segments before I started writing. WH hasn't been abusive or selfish even during the height of his online behaviors. There is a cycle to his ways and we are about 3 months from it possible starting again.

I meant to say that while we were separated last year (it was an in house separation) he was away at training alot. I decided to change that because it was taking a toll on the boys and I decided I liked volunteering at the schools and starting back to school myself and that it wasn't fair for me to have to give that up to find a job and move.

So your WH is in the military?

Was his affairs ever exposed to his chain of command?

No because 1) the physical stuff happenend while away at different schools 2) they were never full blown As, the one PA lasted about 5 weeks when I found out and was ended immediately, especially since I pretty much gave the OW alot of crap and 3) because basically I saw it as if I'm going to stay or not I didn't want anything to hinder promotions since that would only hurt my kids.

Plus, like I said before, at the time of DDays, I didn't heed the advice I was given or read here. I thought my excuses were good enough

Oh and yes he is career army, been in 18 yrs and just agreed to 5 more.

Your plan is to go to Plan D instead of trying to implement MB?

It is / was, not sure yet. I'm back in school but just started so it would be a while before I could support myself and my boys.

I've been thinking about this all day since I decided to post again. It all started when I read another thread and thought to myself "I wish I could have been as strong as her back then!". There's a part of me (very, very small part) that's yelling that I don't want to live this way, that I want to have the marriage I deserve with WH.

It's funny that even to this moment just thinking of everything I am tearing up. I think for the first time I am facing my true feelings towards it all.

We understand because we've been there.

If you want to implement MB this time we can help you with a plan. It won't be easy but whether you save your M, MB will make YOU better.

You could also email the MBradio show. Better yet, can you afford some coaching sessions with the MB coaching center?

The Harleys have a soft heart for the millitary.

BTW, thank you to you and your H for the service to our country.

What would you like help with?

aNY A is an A.

I'm from a military family myself, my dad was a career marine. Your are fortunate to have his chain of command to help you w/this. Use them.

Thank you so much for your replies.

Not sure quite yet what I'm looking for. WH was away for 2 weeks got home on Friday and left this morning for 12 days. I didn't let on that I was feeling down again and I really wanted to talk to him about it, but didn't. I didn't want to ruin the 4 days he had off with the boys and me.

After he gets back from this trip he's home for 2 weeks and is gone yet again for 2-3 weeks. Then home for about a month and then deploys. So not sure how much I can do between now and his deployment.

I can't afford the coaching just yet, oldest sons 16th birthday is this weekend and we are trying to find him a reliable, but used vehicle. That's a scary thing all it's own!!!!!

I did email the radio show after listening to the segments indie posted for me.

I guess my first question would be......

Can you really get the feeling of love back after SO many lies and hurt and when the LB$ is so depleted?

What good would the chain do when the last A was 6 years ago and we were stationed elsewhere? The last online stuff was about a year ago, I still had eblaster on his laptop and even though we were "separated" I still knew what he was doing.

Read this that Melodylane put together.
Exposure 101

Also on page 3 Mortarman was in the military and explains how to expose.

Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.

If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to ceaseand desist...and me even punish them!

How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.

The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!

At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!

So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.

When you call the IG, make sure you haveat least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).

The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!

At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!

Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.

How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!

So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).

Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.

I didn't see the radio clips Indies posted to you. Can you please tell me which ones?

I found some radio clips on military affairs.

Radio clip on military affairs
segment 2

I actually remember seeing that when I first came here a few years ago but again if it happened 6 years ago while stationed at another post and btw OW was civilian and I know 100% there is no more contact, what can they do about it now?

As for the computer stuff, that's on his personal laptop? Right now I have no proof of anything going on.

Also, last summer he had to have an investigation for clearance and I advised him to tell them about the A just to be on the safe side in case they somehow found out. That was done by a part of IG, I was even asked a few questions and when the part about infidelity came up they said it didn't matter because it is not currently happening and we are still married and living together.

SORRY, it was you that posted them!

So you wouldn't expose the affair when you were told 6 years ago and you won't do it now?

Were any of his OW married? Their BH have the right to know.

You should've used the military back then.

Were your children told?
Dr. H recommends exposure even if the Affair was in the past, at very least to the OP spouse.