Any Betrayed that has gone through waiting out the Wayward Fog to lift from their WS...how long did it take to see any improvement and what kinds of signs did you see that encouraged you that your Plan A and Carrot and Stick plans were working?

If I understand correctly, carrot and stick is for getting your spouse to stop their affair. After the affair is dead, then a bit of plan A until the withdrawal phase is over. Withdrawal is usually 4 to 6 weeks. Then, true recovery should begin.

Lifetime,

That's the way I understand C&S too, but portions of it I thought were designed to "lure" the Wayward back toward home.

My wife and I are actually separated after the affair and have been for about a week and a half. She wants to be separated and doesn't want me to "bother" her but she keeps texting, calling and coming by the house for various reasons with "information" about the kids. She also wanted me to go with her to trade her car in on a new one and she always seems to be "interested" in where I am and what I'm doing if I'm not at home when she thinks I should be.

I just keep picking up on little things that I "optimistically" and hopefully not incorrectly interpret as positive signs that the fog may be beginning to lift.

This thread is just to get other Betrayed's perspectives to keep myself motivated. Thanks for your input.

I would say that when I finally applied the stick and exposed (you can read my story about being a MORON before exposure at your leisure) -- there was an amount of fog that lifted immediately as the curtain is lifted on the ugly affair. That WS being so shellshocked lifts some of the fog at once.

I spoke with Steve Harley, and in retrospect, I think he was absolutely correct when he said the 'heavy' fog would take 3-6 weeks to lift, with some lingering 3-6 months, thanks to my waffling about exposure.

I exposed last March 9th...that weekend WS was like a scene from the Exorcist. But that settled by Monday.

We counseled with SH on March 22, I think. I would say by the beginning of May alot had changed, and WS was "back", committed...

There was a break in NC in July, but ironically, WS showed alot of indifference, which seemed to show me most, if not all, of the fog had lifted...

I would say in total in my case it was in stages: immediately after exposure, 3-6 weeks for heavy withdrawal, and then 3-6 months for the remnants.

Hope that makes sense.

Oh, I would add what the vets taught me: work the plan...focus on you...no expectations...

hfd,

Thank you for your input. The vets here have been VERY patient yet VERY adamant that I have been a "whipped" idiot that didn't want to believe that his best friend and soul mate could ever do any of this. I have come to realize that mistakes on both sides have brought us where we are.

I am trying to focus on me with no expectations but I just can't seem to let go of hoping that she will come back. I feel like if I'm focusing on me I'm quitting. I know that's not true but that's the way I feel right now even though I have done EVERYTHING possible that I can do to begin to repair this.

I also realize that everything is up to her right now and that I have NO control over anything except what I have been taught here. Posting these things on the forum and getting other BS's viewpoints helps me stay focused.

lfh, has the affair ended? Has she ended ALL contact with the OM? Because that is the only way the fog will ever lift. The fog will never go away unless that happens.

Yes, everything that I have been able to do to monitor and track her says the affair is over physically. I can't say that the OM is out of her head though.

The OM was told by me what would happen if he didn't stop any and all contact. He stated that he had already told WW that he was done and didn't want to be in contact with her anymore. he has also told her sister the same thing because she actually called him before I did.

At this point I'm convinced that there has been no communication between them but as I said, I can't say that the OM is out of her head.

...has the affair ended? Has she ended ALL contact with the OM?

That issue is virtually the tipping point of your entire situation, especially given that fact that she moved out.

With her not at home, unless you can be bet-your-life certain there is no ongoing contact, you might as well resign yourself to being second-tier EN-supplier to your WW, good for car-shopping assistance, but not much else.

NG,

I don't know if I can be "bet-your-life" certain about anything right now. I do know that the OM pretty much ran the other way scared after I called him. He KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that I was serious about EVERYTHING I told him would happen. No threats...just facts!

I don't know what else or how else I can be sure there is no continuing contact. She is staying with her sister and brother-in-law. They are watching her and I am watching her to the best of my ability now that she is not around me and I have not found nor heard of anything that suggests that she and the OM are still in contact.

When I talked to the OM and then found out that her sister had talked to him as well, he wanted no part of the affair anymore.

Then what she and you are doing (together) is the beginning of a Plan A. Push forward with that. BE the guy that she wants help from. BE the best LFH possible.