It looks like you've gotten excellent advice so far. Keep up with the Plan A as best as you can until you can get your ducks in a row.

I think you're doing pretty well with taking control of this mess. Did you hear from any other people that you exposed to?

I heard from 2, the last 2 I added to the list basically because they've know us both since before we were married and figured it couldn't hurt even though we hadn't ever been extremely close and hadn't been in much contact lately.

One told me that she was sure he loved me, but didn't know if he could ever change his cheating ways. That I had to be what was best for me, whatever that may be.

The other said she'd been in the same situation last year, but it was drugs instead of cheating. She divorced him, but only after she did everything else she could think of. That she too exposed it, as hiding it only made it easier for him. She said she was much happier now, after the divorce, but it's something you can only do when you're ready to and no one can tell you when that will be. Of course, her ex kidnapped her kid and it took weeks for the cops to get him back like 2 months ago, so I can't even imagine how bad it was in the marriage.

I'm disappointed not to have heard from some of the others. Certain members of his family and one friend that I believed to be a very close friend to both of us. I can only hope they are at least saying something to him.

His brother sent him the whole letter. That just pisses me off, honestly. Now he's fully prepared with lies to cover the exact things I said. Plus he knows exactly how much I know about each of the affairs, so no confessing to anything I don't already know - if he were ever to admit anything anyway. I got a full blown denial of sex with anyone other than me, since his relationship prior to meeting me, just today. Because women often confess to having sex with married men to their wives because they have absolutely nothing else to do with their days.

Glad you got some support back from exposure. I got a couple of trolls, but on the main a lot of good replies. I was so grateful for that support. It really does help. The second lady who came back to you sounds amazingly wise! Though she paid dearly for the wisdom, by the sounds.

Are people going to rag on him for being such a child? Thats what you're after really. Ask whoever you can think of to do this.




I really wouldnt worry about that. You'd require a poly anyway and you would know the difference between full truth and not.

Its prob shook him up quite a lot to see how much you know. Plus who's to say, someone who was capable of finding out that much doesnt know more? A suggestion that you do and a raised eyebrow would probably scramble his brains (you do know his assured act IS just an act, dont you?)

He is unlikely to crack in Plan A anyway. He's too far along in the hardening process. Plan B is needed more often than not, anyway. Just do the best Plan A you can for you.

Even the most level headed person in the world has too much time to think in Plan B. You will at some point convince yourself that your Plan A wasnt good enough. That you didnt meet a certain need in the marriage etc. If you give Plan A a good go, you'll know you did great and expressed a willingness to meet all needs in future. Then its all on him.

But Plan A needn't be lengthy. Im worried about you, what with your weight loss and pregnancy. Plan B preps should be your first priority. Those kids need you.

Good job Jennifer for working on your Plan B preperations and it seems like you may have an IM.

When do you see your doc again? The weight loss concerns me. Can you see them next week?

I was already scheduled to see them next Thursday. I will be asking to go on anti-depressants, which shouldn't be an issue since she already offered them to me at my first appointment. I declined since I've managed to be off the meds and well since 2005, even though the previous infidelities. But I can see that I am not going to manage without them this time.

I had an appointment with my specialist last week, who did my ultrasound. He said she looks good and I'll see him again in 3 weeks for another ultrasound. I'm closely monitored during pregnancy due to previous losses and other complications in pregnancies with my living children, so at least I know I'm getting the best care possible.

WH just hit me up for money. I told him to use the money he's planning on using for the fight he's going to tomorrow. I got yelled at, lied to, and then threatened that he wouldn't give me any more money in the future. I calmly pointed out the lies. More lies and was told to stop going through his stuff.

I replied that I will no longer enable his lifestyle. That his choices hurt me, so I will not fund them. And if he choose to take out his anger by taking money away from the kids, I cannot stop him.

"You're not going to stop going through my stuff?"
"Enable my lifesyle? What lifestyle?"
"See there's no talking to you, your mind is already made up."
"Don't ask me for another dime. You will not get it."

And then an immediate apology for the last statement, that I know if I need money, it's mine. Guess he thought that one was too far.

I just firmly stated "I've given you every chance to fix this marriage and will continue to do so. I will not help do anything that goes against that."

After that, he had to go. But could then text me to please get some rest. To eat something. To discuss baby names. To tell me someone I exposed to called him. I have not replied.

This ask for something, attempt to engage me in a fight, fail, then attempt to change the subject like the previous conversation never happened is getting exhausting.

Its his tactic. Keep you jumping around, exhaust you. Its good Art of War.

Read the link in my sig if you want tips. you're doing very well tho.

Please keep us updated on your doctor apt.

That's why you need Plan B. So you don't hear his drama and abuse.

I haven't heard from WH since I stood my ground yesterday afternoon. It would be a good thing too, if I hadn't spent the last 18 hours thinking that I'd hear from him any minute now.

I've had a lot of time to think. I cried, a decent amount, because I think I've just about given up on him. I read somewhere years ago that you eventually get to the point in a breakup where you stop remembering the good things that made you want to stay and the much larger percentage of bad things that made you know you had to leave become clearer.

Everything I've told you guys, everything I put in the exposure letter should have been enough to know that change isn't likely in his case and most likely couldn't even be trusted even if he did a complete 180.

Yet, I still tried. I sat here last night, trying to think of kind words and memories to put in my Plan B letter, and I ended up remembering even more betrayal that I had mentally blocked.

The fights over not just porn, but the types of porn he pays to watch daily

The dating sites that have popped up since even before we were married.

Contact with women back when MySpace was big even before we were married.

Answering craigslist ads that included prostitutes that he may have visited.

A woman who called me Halloween 2010 when she found out he was married, to tell me they were having sex.

Lying about where he was and suspect text messages only 2 months after we were married.

The EA, that was probably a PA, throughout the entire pregnancy with my now 4 year old.

Leaving me to go to a nightclub with friends all night while I was miscarrying for the 3rd time because "It's not like I hadn't been through this before and he couldn't do anything for me anyway."

All the times I found a babysitter after he had already gone out, only to meet up with him and find that he's not where he claimed he was going to be.

At this point, I know there is even more that I'm not remembering clear enough to form into words.

The scraps of love and affection, the month or 2 at a time where I had the husband I thought I was marrying, has kept me in a marriage that was never what I thought it was supposed to be.

I feel like such an idiot to have spent time and energy trying to save a marriage that never really existed.

Hey, look - a text message just saying "I miss u." And for the first time ever, I feel absolutely no hope. I'm nothing to him. The same as the hundreds of women he's attempted to use and throw away in the 8 years I've known him. The same as every girlfriend he had before me. I'm not special. And I never was.

I think it's time to be done with it and just go for Plan D.

Sounds like you are definitely ready for Plan B. Hold off on plan D while you can. About a week ago I was so ready to just get it over with, but the vets convinced me to hold off. It was good advice for me, and I believe it is good advice for you.

You definitely need Plan B though. You need to worry about you, and not this clown.

Go to Plan B so that you'll escape the drama.

Divorces take months to conclude, so you can use that time to just be away from all of it.

You're going through the normal anger stage.

This is why you need to get into Plan B sooner than later. I worry so much for your health, especially with being pregnant and your history of miscarriages.

He's already out of the house can you get your IM so you can take care of you and out of his craziness?

How's your hunt for an IM?

On your Plan B letter you have the examples I posted to you, correct?

Jil, what you're feeling is normal: loss and grief. You really do need ro get into plan b asap so you are protected from his hurtful behaviour and your lb doesn't flat line. It is my understanding that once you get some space, the good things will regain a foothold should he come right and you want to recover the m. Getting your ducks in a row is a priority, but your health and children come first due to your serious health issues.

I thought someone here was going to be your im?

Jennifer, Plan D if you like but you can also Plan B at the same time. I feel it is so important for your health and your baby to remove yourself from harm. Please take good care of yourself and protect yourself from this toxic behaviour.

Jil, my heart truly breaks for you. No one here will blame you for heading for Plan D.

As Indie mentioned, you can Plan B whilst heading for Plan D. This is actually recommended by Dr H, as it lessens the pain of divorce if that is what eventuates.

Also, Plan B removes YOU from the drama, so you can gain clarity and perspective. It has allowed me to re-learn how to make decisions in my best interests without having to consider a H. This means that should my WH ever be ready for marital recovery, I will have a bar raised high on what I want from a husband, and will NOT accept crumbs that can lead to FR.

Get your Plan B ducks in a row as quickly as you can.

Thank you all for the continued support.

My Plan B is stalled. I just can't find the words for the PBL.

I've definitely got anger. But it's also a severe disillusionment. The man I thought I married never existed. Our entire relationship was based on one lie after another. I find it really hard to write this letter knowing that the good memories that I have are based on lies too.

I probably shouldn't have replied to the I miss u text with "Please don't text message me again. Words are no longer enough." - Not exactly Plan A, but at least no more texts.

Have you looked at these?
Plan B letter samples Post your sample and we'll help.

About the anger, we all go through it and I know you will get through it.

Come on here and vent as much as you want.
How's your support system IRL?

Try to do the best Plan A possible until you go plan dark.

Remember you want him to have great thoughts about you before you shut that door. Except your husband is Mr. Gaslighter so you need to be Plan B very soon.

Next time you can simply say I miss you too. We do know you miss the good that was him at one time or you would've never married him. Right?

If you can't think of anything nice to say then don't say anything at all