Tried to include as much detail to enable advice and comments.

WH and I have been married 20yr & have 3 children 6,16 & 18yrs.
OW is subordinate co worker, 10yrs younger and body builder. Her former Manager & WH Colleague stated she was a narcist. WH is to my knowledge OW's 3rd partner in 4yrs (married Oct 2007 & divorced ...NZ 2yrs separation required prior to D, ex partner relationship commenced ? purchased house together Jan 2011 listed for sale 24.12.11 due to break up)

Up until bomb drop 12.11.11 ("you know our marriage isn't working" "we've grown apart, have nothing in common except kids & habit" "I don't know if I still love you")I believed we had a happy solid marriage.In hindsight I still can't see warning signs we still communicated and our interactions hadn't changed. The last 2 yrs our family had been subjected to external traumas resulting in associated stress. WH and I supported each other and children and appeared to be strengthened by our experiences.

The morning after BD WH agreed to work together on our marriage. That week he left earlier for work and came home 1/2 - 1hr later.On 19.11.11 WH left for business trip and left letter ending our marriage. Later learned OW on busines trip. Reason - WH had rolled over entire marriage,nothing of him in the house, I'd made it uncomfortable for him to do his art,he had lost his creativity he was no longer fit. He had lost his identity and soul.

I was devastated he had never verbalised this before. We had always made decisions together about everything.I'd supported his career, degree, interests, sport .. even went to all his games.

I believed he was having a MLC as he was suddnly questioning a life he was previously happy with and decisions clearly and easily made. He told me he was lost. Later he began training for a 7km run and told me if his progress continued he would be within a month "runing faster than when he was 18" this seemed to support MLC. WH stated that a high blood pressure test result was the reason he looked at his life to determine how he "got to this point"

On 22.11.11 returned from business trip. After discussion (BS - my self relection, acccepting responsibility for my role, noting I was willing to do what ever it takes to restore love and rebuild our marriage) he reluctantly agreed to give us until January to see if there was any improvement. He was not willing to extend till end of Feburary as that was 1/4 of a year!.

On 24.11.11 WH was working late returned home 9.30pm I suspect dinner with OW (receipt found)WH slept on edge of bed. Next day WH again working later sent text "out for a while back later" another text at 9.30pm "gunna stay out tonight cu tomorrow". WH returned home mid morning next day, later that afternoon anounced he was going out again. I asked if he thought having an affair would help, he looked stunned but did not reply. I do not remember the conversation amazingly I remained calm he did mention that he did not know if it would work but he was not giving up a chance of happiness. I touched his arm and asked if he could please think about this, he recoiled and said "don't touch me" I was gutted. He said goodbye to the boys and that he was staying at a friends and left.

He returned the next afternoon to advise that he was moving out. Ow had offered he could stay rent free as long as needed and he was staying in her spare bedroom if that maade a difference! He told boys that night he was moving out the next day. DD returned next day from friend's house to be told father moving out that night. WH packed some of his stuff.

Two weeks after moving in with OW she was preparing to list her house for sale and WH advised we needed to sell our assets ... so they could purchase a house together. Equity harvesting OW trading up!

WH told me he "got together" with OW after he told me marriage was over. I find it hard to believe that he would leave the marriage and family and move in with OW after being together less than 1 week unless thats when EA became PA .. would it happen that quick or is this a wayward lie? WH told DD that he and OW had been together 2 months (ie Oct DD 26.11). WW told DD that they were the catalyst for each other ending their current relationships. OW had been in an emotionally abusive relationship ... wonder if this is OW cry on shoulder tactic. WH told DD that he and I had grown apart, I was image conscious and cared what poeple thought and he did not.

After reading articles on this site I realise we were vulnerable as neither believed we or the other would have an affair.. We had complete trust and unconditionalove for each other. We did not protect our marriage from the risk of an affair. I accept my role in making our marriage vulnerable but I know WH made his decision and was not able to maintain an appropriate boundary with OW.

Our marriage is worth fighting for. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Whilst I acknowledge that this cannot happen whilst the affair is active I believe when the affair ends if we are both willing our marriage can heal, grow and become an even better marriage. I also want to be a positive role model for my children and fight for our family and know that I have done eveything.

I really look forward to your comments and appreciate your time.

Iam living in NZ and note the time difference, so there may be a delay in replying.

I also wanted to note that this is my husband's first affair. He had always been a wonderful loving husband and father. He was a man of integrity, principles and always honest. In fact he had a lack of respect for any WS.

I am by no means an expert. I have reseached to understand and come to terms with what has happened. Whilst I understand the psychology of how affairs start, how he has rewritten our history and denigrated me whilst idolising OW it doesn't lessen the pain. I also understand that wayward's lie and become "aliens" acting out of character. I still find it hard to reconcile his behaviour with the man he is ... the man he was!

He appears to be a typical wayward and has become controlling although he acuses me of this trait. He appears to be projecting his anger (guilt) and actions onto me. It hurts like hell that he seems unable to acknowledge the pain he has caused particularly the children's pain and that he appears to believe his wayward babble.

Whilst I get the addiction I find it incredible that they cannot separate from someone who has been in their life a short time but can easily leave a long term relationship and children.

Please accept this with the spirit it is intended - this is one club I never wanted membership for. After reading other threads I believe I have found a great place for support. I appreciate all the BS & WS (its hellpful hearing your side) who have recovered that give their time to help support others in similar circumstances.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's going to be an uphill battle, but listen to the advice you are given from the vets here. Some of the things that you will be told may seem unnatural, but please trust what you will be told. I'm glad you recognize that waywards rewrite history and say things as if they all have the same script. Let it roll off your back as much as possible and focus on the things you have to do.

Have you exposed his affair to your family and his? How about the OWs family? You need to expose this to his work as well. Gather as much info as you can to nuclear expose this affair and get ready for the anger to come from him. His anger will pass. You mentioned your daughter knows. Do the other children know as well? If not, they need to be told. There are many resources here and we will answer all of your questions. There are a lot of good people here.

Also, in the notable posts section, there are exposure letters you can use to help you as well as other useful information.

Welcome and I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Like you said it's not a club you want to join but the best for what you need.

Is your WH still out of the house and living with the other OW?

Have you exposed this to their work? Work Place Exposure Letters
What did he tell your kids? The truth? What Dr. Harley recommends to tell your children

If your WH is out of the house already are you financially secure?

Read up on this also. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Hi GJM. Thanks for the welcome.

I have exposed to his family (living in Australia), his parents stayed at our house early January (arranged early last year) although WH was living with OW. MIL is a retired psychologist and said she hopes we will reconcile. She believes he is having a crisis. She did note however that they can't get involved. That it would have to play out and that affairs don't last and OW history and past behaviours will impact this relationship.

WH asked DD to visit him the following weekend. He had not told her about OW and was going to tell her in the car on the way to her house. I noted he couldn't spring that on her as she was about to meet OW so he told he on her 16th birthday(5 days after he left). He told eldest DS about OW the following week then introduced her.I am sure he omitted the affair and let them believe their relationship began after our "marriage ended".

I have without going into details told DD and eldest DS that WH had an affair, that he loves them but is acting of our character (which they have noted themselves) and does not see things clearly at the moment. I have been honest but I have not been negative about their father. I have their interests at heart and I want them to see that I am handling this with respect and dignity.

My youngest DS 6yrs I spoke to yesterday after listening to a radio archive about telling young children.

I need to gather details to expose to OW family and friends. I need to expose to work so they have the truth about the affair and not some lame inaccurate story.

I am looking forward to hearing from the vets, I appreciate any comments, advice or support they any any poster have to offer.

Thanks GJM I will read those.

Happy, are both you and your h kiwis?

Hi BrainHurts. Thank you for your comments.Yes unfortunately he is still living with OW. Correct me if I am wrong this will slightly help me implement Plan A. To date I have not implemented MB Plan A but tried to show acts of kindness, be loving and remain calm. I need to do further research and implement a formal MB Plan A.

I am gathering information so I can do an effective nuclear exposure to everyone. I will read the suggested links. I know his CEO (report directly to him) is aware although after reading this site etc Iam certain he hasn't had the benefit of the truth.

As he left 19 weeks ago I know the affair has become more entrenched but that exposure is still necessary. I hope it is still effective given they have been living together all this time.

Any advice re exposure given the length of time would be appreciated.

Children have been advised of OW and have met her. I have informed them that WH had affair with OW. I know it is in their best interests now and for future relationships that they are told the truth although the heart wanted to spare them.I am sure he omitted this piece of information.

Even though your H told his side of the story, don't think he was truthful. Make sure your children know exactly what the truth is. When you expose, give the best details you can. You don't have to say negative things about him. That's not the point. You want everyone to know that you need their support to help save your marriage. Don't assume anyone knows. If you think they know, include them in your exposure letter anyway. So far you are handling your self admirably. Stay strong and keep learning what MB has to offer.

BrainHurts. Currently having Settlement Agreement drawn through lawyers due to WS wayward behaviour and to ensure he honours our agreement. In NZ Separation Agreements can be entered to formalise separation prior to divorce (2yrs later) The only legally binding SA is one signed off by a lawyer for either party.

In true wayward style he has been pressuring me to agree to capitalise our mortgage or he will default and to agree to reduce the selling price of our real estate for less than the agent's advised minimum price. I have not agreed to his irrational thinking I think it is mad to increase your debt and fire sale why eat into the equity we worked so hard to build. The mortgage can be serviced and whilst it is tighter now we have separated I'm not prepared increase our debt so they can purchase a house tgether or fund their lifestyle.

No we are Australians. Our youngest son is a Kiwi. Ironically we moved to NZ 7 years ago for family and lifestyle. Never expected to be in this position.

I hear you. I'm sorry you're here, but this is good place. The people here will help keep you sane while you're going through this.

Thanks for the confirmation, thats something sadly I have learned ..waywards lie. I plan to go full nuclear and expose to everyone regardless of whether they know about his relationship with her.

Anyone I have spoken to I have kept to the facts and have not made any disrespectful judgements. I figure throughout this trauma I will try to remain true to myself and maintain my self respect and dignity. Shame he cant extend me the same courtesy ... thats what really hurts after 22yrs someone you loved can behave so appallingly towards you. I suppose I am grieving the loss of the man I knew and am struggling to deal with this alien version.

If they are really happy why don't they get on with their life and stop inflicting further pain with their behaviour ..I wish they could acknowledge their feelings and stop projecting onto the BS.

Venting over

Welcome to MB HF. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us! Like you I usually post at the wrong hours for the majority of the vets, so please keep checking in, they will respond!

I'm impressed with the reading you have done and how strong you sound. Hang in there!

I noticed someone posted the Carrot and Stick link for Plan A. What stick have you shown WH to date?

IMO, it sounds very much like up to now WH has had everything rosy. No-one is rocking the boat... You are minding the kids whilst he shacks up with OW, his parents continue to visit you, his children visit him and OW. He is living the wayward fantasy, with you waiting in the wings and fulfilling the EN's that the skank can't meet. His fantasy and sense of entitlement (including his demands to sell the house out from under you and your kids to fund his A) show the height of his addiction.

A nucleur exposure is long overdue to try to introduce an element of reality into this wayward fantasy. Okay, you have told people he is having an affair, but have you asked for their help to influence him to stop it? Exposure works best when your WH knows others are aware of his selfish actions.

I'm also concerned about your kids... Do your kids understand that your WH's A is wrong? Right now your WH is normalising his behaviour to them, and A's are NOT normal. There is a difference between teaching them right from wrong to badmouthing their father.

OW right now has waltzed in with no ill repercussions either. Does OW have a FB account? Search for it. See if you can find her friends list, under notable posts there is a FB exposure link.

Exposure is your best weapon in ending an affair.

Carcal thanks for your comments. Researching is my way of learning, trying to understand and deal with the situation.

Carrot of Plan A - with exception of emphasising what has worked in marriage I had instinctively been doing things mentioned in thread without a formal plan.

Stick of Plan A - I hadn't really applied anything except for stating to WH that he was responsible for his decision to have the affair. He can't or won't see the pain and devastation his decisions have caused. In typical wayward babble he has stated the children will be fine.

I have not yet done full exposure I only told a few people and I had not asked anyone for their help to influence him to end the affair. I think partly this was self preservation until I was ready to confide and partly to protect him and our family. I had read that any attempt to end the affair would cause WH and OW to bond together,that I needed to stand and wait for the affair to play out .... then I found MB and the principles here make more sense and although individual stories may differ basically the behaviour and plan is the same. Hopefully in the future I will be one of the successful vets helping others.

Our eldest children 16 & 18yrs know of the affair and that it is wrong. I agree he is normalising and justifying his behaviour. I am also relying on the values we have instilled throughout their childhood to help them now and in the future.

My 6yr DS I told him based on Dr Harley's radio advice (archive)- dad became best friend with OW, mum should have been his best friend. Dad loves you very much. He doesn't want to live with mum he wants to live with his new best friend. You did not do anything wrong it is not your fault. Sometimes adults do not always make good decisions.

My DS replied "thats selfish,dad has made a silly choice and he could come back home, silly choices can be fixed. He could come home where lots of people love him and would help him and care for him" 'I told DS that was very clever thinking.

I agree I need to expose to OW family & firends, she also needs to be held accountable. I will check for FB a/c. Thought about exposing to NABBA (bodybuilding) as she was on the executive and competes regularly ... this is her world/life.

I need to read up further and order book Suriving an Affair so I can implement an effective Plan A. Also open to any advice.

Need to get details for exposure list and then draft letters.

Here for exposure
Exposure 101

Here for letters
Exposure sample letters
Workplacce Exposure Letters
Facebook exposure letters

Hi happy, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are on the right track here. The problem you face is that your husbands affair has gone on for a very long time with nothing being done to stop it. The longer the affair goes on, the harder it is to stop it. So, be prepared to be in for a long haul.

I would start with a very strategic, INTELLIGENT exposure. You can't do this half way and you can't be ineffective in your exposure because your husband has already exposed his story and spun it in a way that exonerates him and indicts you. "I was unhappy for years so I left and then found a new luuurve!" You have to frame the story in a truthful light: "John began an affair with Skanky and left our family to pursue that affair."

PLEASE go read the link in my signature and it will give you exposure targets and template letters. I would add the OW's family to your list.

I would also strongly suggest going into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation where you have absolutely no contact with him at all.