Did you listen to the radio clip? What do you think?

I did listen to the clip. My situation isn'tas nearly extreme as mine though. My fiance made a mistake, is guilty of an indiscretion & was faced with true possibility of losing me. She recognizes that she needs to work on cmmunication & I realize that I need to ensure UA takes place.

What about asking her to write you an EP list?

We hashed it all out during the serious discussion. I am hard pressed to bring up any of it unless there is a trust violation issue. We are working on our plan for recovery & it is going well. We are going out on a date tonight.

In order to regain my trust she is forthcoming with situational information. She exchanged a couple of texts with her ex-husband because it was his son's birthday & told me about it right away. (I am fine with her limited communication with her ex-husband, there is no threat there.)

I am confused as to why I would need her to write a list of EPs for me to follow. She trusts me implicitly. For me to ask her to do anything more other than to go over the EN & UA questionnaires would cast a shadow over our recovery plan.

No, the EP I was talking about were her EP for you.

Can she parallel parent with her ex?

It will help for you.
Parallel Parenting

Dimmu, she and you both know you don't have a lot of money right now. She may be playing her odds, assuming you won't ask her to take one. SCHEDULE IT. Let her know that it is more important than anything else, that you confirm that she is being totally O&H with you.

I don't believe her.

Dimmu, I'm looking just at your subject line, here:

Don't cope. Recover.

Coping is not recovery.

Far too many people come here merely to "cope." Don't ever settle for mere coping.

I was coping & now I am recovering. We had a date last night & we discussed some very important matters. She did some serious thinking & said that she is sorry for what she put me through & that she is committed to working on her issues. She said that no one in her life has ever loved her the way that I do & before me she was with the wrong men (just as I was with the wrong women before.)

We discussed why we both do things wrong on a psychological level. We are looking into root causes & are trying to conquer them.

It's boundaries around the opposite sex.

There is no need to try to sort out your psyches. Your girlfriend was with another man because she has poor boundaries around men.

Have you been reading the articles on this site? The 'why' of it is really quite simple. 'How' to avoid it in the future requires some work between the two of you. What ENs has she put in place to help avoid this going forward?

And please remember that you're not her husband. She is a free agent. If the two of you are going to make this a successful union, you need to commit to each other in marriage.

She has promised not to hang out with male friends without me being present. Our UA & dating time is one of her main ENs & we are doing that.

She promised that we will get married. We aren't going to go all out but she does want her friend from out of state to be her maid of honor & my best man is even further away but we plan on tying the knot.

I do read the articles when I can. I have been doing a lot of applications & interviews during my spare time.

Things are still going good. We went to church today & I truly believe that that brought us closer together. They had a segment where people could walk up & voice joys and/or concerns to the congregation. I decided to go up & thank the congregation for the warm welcome, discuss my return to spirituality & my thankfulness for my fiance.

The sermon involved many things that related to our sitch, such as forgiveness & that love can be a choice. She & I discussed the sermon later & she was told me that she emotionally loves me & will choose to further love me by working on her issues & our relationship & our eventual marriage. We will continue to attend the services & become involved with the congregation.

We then had a great day of acquiring groceries & a can of paint for our living room. One of her ENs is that we get this house into an enjoyable condition & we are getting it there.

I don't want to be Debbie Downer, here, Dimmu. And I'm glad you're feeling good. But none of this addresses the foundational change that needs to be made in your relationship with your girlfriend.

Have you set a wedding date?

We are working on a date. We have decided to elope with an elopement package that will give us a romantic wedding without a huge cost. It will also allow us a sort of honeymoon. The date will depend on scheduling with our jobs (I acquired a fulltime job since my last post!). She was open with her close friend about our sitch & explained that she truly wants to marry me. Her friend is giving her support & also chastised my fiance for her contact with the OM.

The last few days are very reminiscent of the beginning of our relationship. The OM tried contacting her & we talked about it right away. My fiance embraced me & said that she will not respond (I have complete access to her stuff). She decided to avoid talking to him at all & agreed to me sending him an email.

The email was very civilized & to the point & I basically told him that even though he & my fiance had a history long before I came into the picture it was time to let that go. I told him that my fiance & I hit a bump in the road, so to speak, & that we got through it which means that we can get through anything. I said "I am sure that a man of your maturity & experience can understand." I also said that my fiance no longer wishes any sort of correspondence & that was why I was sending the email & to please respect us & our relationship & comply. He has yet to respond to either of us.

We will get married. We both know what is at stake. During "the serious discussion", I told her that if she wanted out that that was fine & that I don't want her to feel trapped. She said she wanted to be with me & she has been showing it. It is all or nothing from this point forward.

How did he try and contact her? Email? Why hasn't she changed that so he can't contact her?
If she wants to show you actions that would be a start. Unless she wants to keep a path open to him?

Did she send him a NC letter? Since you're not married can you really expect her to close all contact to him?

I told him that my fiance & I hit a bump in the road, so to speak, & that we got through it which means that we can get through anything. I said "I am sure that a man of your maturity & experience can understand." I also said that my fiance no longer wishes any sort of correspondence & that was why I was sending the email & to please respect us & our relationship & comply.

How very "Noel Coward/David Niven" of the two of you.

"Chauncey, love the dinner jacket! Bye-the-bye, old chum, I do wish you'd cease your attempts to seduce my fiance, Bad form, you know! More Madeira?"

All unevolved NG could think of was to promise to harm OM's pre-teen child!

But, congrats on the job and progress on the legal-union front!

Sigh. There he goes again. Where's my monitor screen cleaner?

Seriously, Dimmu, your desire to behave with restraint regarding this piece of shoe-gum amazes me.

How did he attempt to contact her?

BrainHurts -

We thought that he was blocked. Gmail will only allow blocked chats. There is no way to block an email address at this time. All we can do is to set up a filter which will send his emails to the trash. I told her that I will wait to do that so that I can monitor whether or not he sends another email. She agreed & has not deleted his latest email so that I can monitor the situation.

Because of OM's manipulative ways, she is just not contacting him ever again, hence no NC letter. Still, he lives in NYC & we do not live anywhere near there. He was about an hour away briefly for a job & has to come back there for a followup but that is it. There is no chance of in-person contact.

Even though we aren't married yet, we are going to be in the near future.

NeverGuessed -

Hehehe, we like to kill-with-kindness. The email that I sent to him was civilized with veiled jabs at him. There still has been no response. If he contacts her again, I will seek legal action for harassment against him.

Thank you for the kudos!

maritalbliss -

Restraint does take some mediation. Sending him the email did feel really good.

He contacter her via the email that we thought was blocked. She can't switch emails because she also uses it professionally right now. I can do monitor her emails. I don't read them unless they are from him.

So how will you catch it if when he tries to contact her with a different email address?

Your girlfriend needs to change that email address and shut that door.