Jil, let us help you with that letter so you can get into Plan B sooner.

Base it on the link brainhurts provided. Personalise it. This is you going out with a bang, the last memory WH is going to have unless he meets your requirements. Regardless of what you want right here and now, feelings change. So keep your options open for yourself by giving him the best damn memory you can.

WH will likely keep this letter. He will likely re-read. It is what waywards do. Have your words remind him what he is missing, the love he is turning his back on by continuing to be wayward.

Post your draft PBL, the vets will help.

The letter writing is problematic. It was for me, at least. Because you dont feel the words Dr H recommends you to say. You dont feel loving. However you wouldnt feel angry if you dint have a lovebank, so just accept that as fact, even if you dont feel like it.

Nevertheless, say them. Go into Plan B KNOWING you did EVERYTHING you could. Your emotions do not write the letter. Your plans do. Your emotions dont get a say. Your logic is in control.

As Caracal has said, write your letter, and post it here for tips. Keep it as close to the one Dr H recommends.

Remember, you are going to war. That involves setting bait for the enemy. In the form of ENs.

Jennifer, I felt exactly as you do now before I began Plan B.

These are words from my own thread:



The next day, I liked the Plan B idea again, but then the next....



But eventually, the vets talked sense into me and....




This was last year and I have never regretted doing it. Never. He put me through a terrible time betraying me, gaslighting me and then abandoning me.

In response I remained calm, loving, I gave him options, but I made it clear I would tolerate no more evil.

I will always be so, so proud of my reaction. So pitying of his decision to let someone as wonderful as me, with that wonderful reaction, drop gracefully out of his life. I am so grateful I was saved from his see-saw of hostility, manipulation and then begging me to come back once he got bored. I didnt know that's what I would be exposed to, yet I have since seen how all Waywards who are not Plan B'd do this.

I would recommend Plan B. That's all I am saying.

Thanks again all. I really couldn't have gotten this far without you.

I will finish my PBL tonight. Even if I really don't want to. It makes sense. It is my next step. This is war and I need to stop being led by emotions because they haven't gotten me very far in the past.

I need to just silence my Taker for a while. All it wants to do is yell and scream and point out that he's a selfish jerk who couldn't keep his junk in his pants because his wife took some of the attention off him to raise the children he claims to love but never bothered to raise himself. Poor him.

While a letter like that may make me feel good short term, it's not going to get through to him and is only going to further his belief that he's doing the right thing to ensure his future happiness. That doesn't help me at all. Even if I don't ever take him back, I want him to wallow in regret. A good PBL makes that more likely. I know that. I just need to keep knowing that.



Need to keep remembering this too. Wanting to be indifferent doesn't make it so. The anger and tears are a sign I still care even if I don't always feel great admitting it.

I'll get my PBL posted tonight or tomorrow the latest. No more stalling.

Jen you're doing great! I can't wait to see Plan B pay off for you.

You're doing fantastic Jennifer.

Keep going. That's one of the best things about MB is it is a plan and keeps you going in the direction to help you.

We know how tough it is to keep the emotions down and then on top of it your pregnant.

Remember the Three States of Mind in Marriage

Because your lovebank still had a positive balance and that is why you're in the conflict state, which is very normal. When you get to the state of withdrawl it will be "some what" easier to move into a dark Plan B. Withdrawl is the next state.

I found a good radio clip that might help you as you're preparing for Plan B.

It's about secrecy and when it's a good idea for a spouse to go into Plan B and how you need to "preserve" the feeling of love for your spouse. It's 5 minute into the segment.
Radio Segment of when it may be a good time to go jnto Plan B at the 5 min mark

Here's my very rough PBL. It's mostly cut and pasted from the links provided, with a few personal changes. It's really jumbled, but I didn't wan to heavily edit it without first hearing what you guys think should be cut, added or expanded upon.

Dear WH,

I know that you will always reside in my heart since I do have a great love for you after all we've gone through.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship. I didn�t give you the time, attention and respect you deserved. I'm sure this helped create a void in our marriage that allowed your involvement with other women to continue.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. I can ensure that I will make you a priority in my life, show my appreciation more and take the time to enjoy the spontaneity you bring to my life. I too had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgment, I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other. I lost sight of the importance of your needs. Now I know I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in the doing.

In the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.

I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. XXXX has agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like.

If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through XXXX. Money for the kids� school can be mailed or dropped off with the children.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your other relationships, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you remain in contact with them.

I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

I want to be with the man who held my hand both when learning we had lost babies and when seeing the ones we have come into this world. I want to be the wife who couldn�t help but try to drag you away from your friend because I desperately needed to be alone with you for a short while. I want us both to be the people who wore their wedding rings, in spite of never wearing jewelry, because we were proud to call each other husband and wife. I want us to feel safe being our absolute best with each other, while knowing the other will be there in times of the absolute worst.

As soon as you are willing to permanently give up those relationships and are willing to follow the measures that I suggested to ensure an absolute end to all the outside relationships, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage.

I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.

We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

With all my love,

BS

Jen, you are going to get some edits soon. Don't send this, ok? Hugs to you, and stand by. I will help edit in the morning if need be. Hang on.

My take on it...

I'd just nail down the visitation schedule.

I agree. giving a wayward flexibility is like tying puppet strings to your shoulders and asking him to yank. He will abuse the privilege.

I would put that stuff in an addendum though so it doesnt colour your 'love letter'

Going to make the changes Indiegirl and Northwood suggest.

How do I explain Indiegirl as my IM?

I haven't heard back from the mods about the email exchange.

What do I put in the addendum?

Need to get this done asap. Plan A has become completely not doable.

He got an apartment in some pedophile projects. A one bedroom. Plans on getting a pull out couch for a 3 and 4 year old to share. Gonna stick the baby somewhere, I guess. It's just unacceptable. I get told that this is what I get for kicking him out. Right.

In my fit of anger, I told him not to come here today. Put the wheels in motion for his getting fired and losing his license. Figured he shouldn't get to leave the marriage with the things I made possible for him to have. Hell, I would have set him on fire if I thought I could survive in prison. Then again, I don't particularly feel like I can survive the rest of today.

Jennifer,

I did exchange email addresses for you two days ago. Did you not get it? Is your address on your MB profile correct?

I sent you an email, Ill get the mods to send you my email too.

As for introducing me, Take out the kids stuff and put it in an addendum (put any financial stuff like pay x bill on x day in the addendum too)

Then add a new paragraph where the kids stuff is taken out. After you've said .... I will not speak with you or talk to you.

Add:

My friend (Indies real name) has agreed to act as an intermediary for any communication you may need to get to me. You may email her at indiesemail.com. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way.

indiegirl I sent her your address too.

Jennifer, check your profile.
Is your address current?
Or email me so I'm sure you're getting mail.

Ok, I checked my email. Why that wasn't my first move, I'll never know. Common sense seems to be lacking these days.

Indiegirl, I'll send you a reply as soon as I get the kids down for a nap.

I hand write the PBL, correct? I'll get that and the addendums done tonight.

I threw down a hardcore ultimatum, making it very clear that this apartment was the last straw. He claims he's canceling the lease Wednesday, deleting the women/no contact for life and that he will put his full effort into being a husband and father.

I immediately returned to Plan A, with Plan B going into effect Friday (8 weeks since I kicked him out) if I am not shown the canceled lease, women blocked on phone and social media and an attitude showing that me and the kids are the only priority.

I have little hope these things will actually occur, but was surprised he bowed to the ultimatum and will give him the benefit of the doubt for 4 more days. Come Friday, no proof - no contact.

Yeah, well, you know how that's liable to work out...

Glad to hear you got the IM email thing worked out

Jennifer,

If your going to give him a chance to prove he will do what you require in order to rebuild your marriage please be crystal clear with him as to what you want.

For example.

Complete transparency, access to his emails, phone and social media (should you agree he can stay on any social media) and he has to account for his whereabouts at all times.

Write NC letters to all the women he is having inappropriate contact with right now.

Give you complete and total handwritten disclosure of his contact with other women since you have been married.

Confess to all friends and family all the cheating he has done ( basically expose his behaviour and seek their support in helping him stay faithful and hold him accountable) the more people watch him the less likely he is to do something.

Agree to embark on MB plan to rebuild your marriage ( although I wouldn't tell him about MB until he has done the other things first).

And add any other specific things you need him to do in order to enable you to want to recover with him.

It has to be make clear so you can measure and see if he is really willing to sort himself out or not so come friday you will be absolutely sure plan B or recovery is right for you.

Set the bar high because you have a serial cheater on your hands and you need to be protected from further harm especially as you are pregnant and should not be going through this stress at this delicate time.