So, I was visiting my family for a couple weeks (Was supposed to be the month of March) but I came back early because my husband had begun to grow distant and whatnot.

I found out a few things that didn't help the situation. Let's just say, things that happened at the start of our dating relationship and around the time we got married were originally deal breakers for me. Two and a half years after we got married, he finally became honest with me.

For the last week at least, things have been very rocky with us. I want to make things work... but he keeps telling me that there's a slight chance, that he's unwilling to make things work.

I should go into a little detail about what his reasons are. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant. We have a son that is going to be 20 months old on the 29th. In the past, I haven't been the best housewife (He works, I stay at home), lacking in maintaining things the way I should... Also, between pregnancies, I had a hard time trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight/body.

He says that he's given me enough chances to try... keeps looking at the negative things... I keep trying to find ways to prove that things have changed, that I'm willing to go the distance to make things work... I have done a complete 180 on the mentioned things.

He won't go to Marriage Counseling... I can't figure out how to make him see the positive, to try to make things work. Anytime someone says he has a wife and kid to worry about or to spend time with, his response is "for now"... He won't flat out say we're for sure getting a divorce and tells me there's MAYBE a chance of redeeming, but whenever I try to find a way to redeem things, he makes it sound like there's no chance at all. He'll bounce back and forth between things and its getting to be a bit overwhelming.

I've talked to friends and family about the situation... Things used to be really great between my husband and I... then one thing after another happened when it came to things on his end about 2 and a half years ago and things have just exploded into chaos recently.

Any ideas on how to make things work?

What was this? Had he cheated?


Again, what happened two and a half years ago?

So he has high needs for DS (domestic support) and AS (attractive spouse). What is your plan for meeting these needs? You mentioned that you'd done a 180; what does that look like?

How old are you both? Is this your first marriage for both of you? How long have you been married?

Have you ruled out an affair? Any strange numbers on the phone bill or strange charges on the credit cards? Have you done any snooping? While it is possible that he's simply in withdrawl, it is also possible that he's having an affair, which is a whole different animal.

One major thing you can do is not go away without him for weeks or months at a time; not overnight, even.

Answer the what happened question, please.

When we first started dating, he started dating me while he was with his other girlfriend.

As for the time around when we got married (2 and a half years ago), he was seeing someone else... I couldn't be there all the time as we were in two separate states, though not by choice. His job made it that way. He came honest with me about everything about it.

We're both 23. This is our first marriage for both of us. We've been married since July 6, 2009.

As for DS and AS, I'm currently pregnant with our second child and am doing my best to remain as attractive as I can. I dress up and do my hair and make up and go for walks to try to stay as fit as I can while pregnant. As for DS, I've been maintaining the house while being 8 months pregnant and chasing around a 20 month old kid without any help from anyone, including him.

There is no affair at this time, as I monitor the bank account VERY closely. Always have.

GOH, bank accounts mean nothing. My FWH spent CASH on his OW. And very little, at that. What else are you doing to confirm his fidelity? You post strongly indicates that he is having an affair.

Since I've posted this, things have changed situationally and relationship-wise. He and I have talked as well as discussed several things. The effort that I've been making has been making an impact, and his attitude about things have changed too. Changes are happening finally on both sides, I guess I just had to initiate it.

As for how I know of his fidelity, I'm home all the time. He works very regular hours and only during 5 days of the week. When he's not at work, he's home with me or we're out together.

Did you check cell phone records, email?

So how much UA time are you getting a week? Without your DS?

What is UA time and DS? I still don't know all of the terms... >.>;

UA = undivided attention (see the policy of undivided attention in the basic concepts)

DS = darling son

Here you go. Acronyms, Abbreviations

The Policy of Undivided Attention

Our son is always around pretty much... Not getting much undivided attention... Out of the list of what the policy says, probably 5-6 hours a week, without the kiddo.

Thanks for the links.

Sit down with your H and schedule at least 15-20 hours of UA without your son. Can you get a sitter?
Do the things you loved doing while dating.
Recreational Companionship

We can't really afford a sitter is the problem.

What about family?

Friends that you can do swaps with? They watch yours while you watch them? Your church?

POJA this with your H?

Glimmer, please read this article. Your children need their parents to be in love with each other:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html

If you and your husband are not doing what it takes to maintain a romantic relationship, your marriage is at risk. From what you've said in this post, it sounds like your marriage is on the edge.

This may be your only chance to take decisive action to save your marriage. Please consider doing whatever it takes - right away - for the sake of your marriage and children.

How old is your son?
If he sleeps at 7 pm, than you already have 2 hours of undivided attention per day, provided you do something special.

You can't afford a babysitter? Well, maybe you will have to affort 2 seperate households, with seperate electrical bills, with separate gas bills with 2 microwaves, 2 sofas 2 living room tables etc. etc. etc.

I'm sure babysitting is not THAT expensive???

You just have to be creative. Tell us how you are going to make it happen, instead of why it's not possible.
We believe you can do it!


God bless,

Happyheart

Or maybe your son wants to have a sleepover at a friends house? You could swap babysitting with another mom?

Her DS is 20 months.

Hi glimmer,

I know planning UA time can be hard with young kids. I made this mistake when my kids were young, but for me it was more about not trusting anyone else to watch them.

You need to do whatever you can to get the UA time in weekly, otherwise distance will grow between you, and an affair will be far more likely to occur.

My H used to complain about my choice not to leave our children with anyone, I stuck to my guns, this lead to RC being met outside of our relationship and an affair. Big mistake.

I also like the idea of an early bedtime for the little one, then you can have some UA time every night...just keep in mind watching TV together does not count for UA time.

HappyHeart - yep, you said it!

...Or the cost of affair recovery: health problems, counseling, possible separation, etc.

Glimmer, you're getting great advice on this thread.