I just wanted to remind you that you are at war with this evilness which has entrapped your H and made you bleed.

If filing for a divorce - on paper - is what you need to do to keep your troops (you) supplied and fed, its worth it.

I am not sure you realise that your H has destroyed your marriage and you dont have one right now any way. It's toast. There is no harm in dissolving something (your marriage) which does not exist any way, in the hope that an entirely new one may be rebuilt.

How should I let him know that I'm going back to no communication except through an IM?

ask an attorney about protecting your finances.


Indiegirl gave a sage way to go back into plan b on page 151

QUOTE:


I'd get your preparation done, then send him an email from your old account (right before you close it down, so he cant reply)

Something like "When you are ready to pass the polygraph, please inform my IM. I love you and want to save our marriage with the truth in the open. It is too painful to be in direct contact while you continue to lie."

end QUOTE

Then.....zip

Ok, thank you.

Should I continue to ignore him and his text messages until I go into Plan B or should I talk to him?

Now he is texting me:

Why are you not talking to me?

When can you get back in btw?

I don't see any value in communicating with him. You've told him everything, demonstrated every need.

Is there any chance you can just go off radar for a bit?

Switch off your phone, stay at a girlfriends (without the phone) etc? You could even prepare from their house.

Either watch something funny or get the company of a very funny friend. Or just throw yourself into Plan B preps. But keep busy and distract yourself from that phone.

I'm not contacting him. He called my neighbor tonight to check on me. He said he stayed out too late on the boat and knows he should have called me. She asked why he was calling her, because he is answering his own questions. She told him that I'm not feeling like a priority and by his actions, she can tell I'm not a priority. She told him that I'm probably not talking to him due to his actions.

I'm not calling him!!!! I promise! I am not going to allow him to charm, sweet talk, manipulate or abuse me anymore!!!! I don't deserve it! If he wishes to continue his behavior, he will be alone. I'm not subjecting myself to his BS anymore!!! Time for me to get strong again... I'm angry right now... I've needed to get to this point and I'm pissed and not taking his emotional abuse any longer! I've had it!!!

Really starting to like your neighbor! Those are some good words, but I'm afraid they probably fell on deaf ears. No, check that, I'm SURE they fell on deaf ears.

Star, you need to go completely dark, and right now. Get that email sent, delete that email addy, change that phone number, enlist the aid of that fantastic neighbor of yours if you can, call the National Guard if you have to, whatever it takes.

Just get out of this crap. You are spending way too much time trying to save your marriage when your time would be better spent saving you. You can't save your marriage alone, but you can save you alone. If at some point in time he decides he wants to come completely clean and do this the right way, then great. But right now it's not about that. He's shown (over and over) he has NO interest whatsoever in changing his ways and is just engaging the same manipulative behavior that he's always had the pleasure of employing to get his way. I'm sorry, but this is what it is.

The sooner you get on board with this (IMO) fact, the better off you will be long term.

I agree 200%!!!!

Email I received from him tonight:

BW,
�
I'm not sure why your not talking with me today.� I can only assume you might be mad about me not calling you last night.� I should have, I'm very sorry.� We didn't get back from the boat until almost 8 pm.� It was a long day, and I was tired and ready for a shower.� My roommate�and I ended up grabbing some food at little place down the street, and then hanging out and talking� for a long time here in the back yard.
�
If your upset about me not calling you I understand, it was not right.� I need to communicate with you. The problem is�I don't know what is right anymore.� Were not living together, so don't know if I should give you space or not give you space.� I don't know what�your feeling, because I can't see you and interact with you like couples should.� If were both trying to work this out, then I think we should be trying to work it out in the same house, so we can be with each other, helping each other.��Please think about what I'm asking.� I miss you BW.
�
Love, WS

Why are you reading these? You're doing a good job of not contacting him; why let his contacting you take up space in your head?

From some one who took an eternity to get into plan b, who has numerous concusions from being 2 x 4'd repeatedly...this would be me, and i think i am finally in plan b......get into plan b....it is nice, quiet, peacefull, serene, drama free...

Here is what I sent him:



You mentioned that you needed to find WS (yourself) and I found the following article written by a man that I thought might help you:


"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.�

Many of my dear friends here know that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it's probably dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach up and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.�

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my ex-wife found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my ex-wife took off into the sunset. If your spouse tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from sposes who like to play little selfish games.





Now, go ahead and find yourself, if needed. �I'm willing to accept you back when you are willing to come back to me WHOLE. �You have a lot to do, a lot of things to learn on your own. �Please feel free to contact me when when you can be honest about everything.

Just to reiterate... The email I sent above will be the last response he receives from me... I'm done.

NOW GO DARK.

I'm going dark now...

Your phone turned off? Email cancelled? No peeking......

Exactly. No peeking, Star. Go completely dark...trust, and you can here, that it is the smartest thing you can do for you and your M. Think wise and smart versus "hope".

You can and will do it. Plan B is the best plan to save your marriage. Don't forget that regardless of how counter-intuitive it feels.

Also starfish, have you done a wide exposure? I can't remember how many people you exposed to.

If you haven't done it yet, DO IT. Who are these people he's celebrating his birthday with? What does he tell them about why you're not living together?

This polished charmer of yours is NO DOUBT throwing you under the bus to his friends. There's no way he's admitting his bad behavior and taking ownership. He's telling them goodness knows what about how paranoid you are and how he's told the truth and what is wrong with you for not believing him...

Blow this out of the water if you haven't already. Public awareness of his secret life will help shake him out of his reverie. It will also get you some much needed support and apply pressure to him to do the right thing. He's clearly someone who loves to control the spin around his identity and how people see him, so exposure will be quite the wake up call.

Exposure is essential here and it will limit his ability to party away all weekend while you languish. I'd be writing up a letter and making a list if I were you. This wayward needs consequences. In a major way.