Good point, Penni. I really did not expect to have to fix anything, but I am more and more aware of whether I am creating a caring environment or not.

Some moments I feel like it, others I do not - but I am aware that these are choices I am making, rather than responses to his actions. This makes me feel much more powerful and effective, and better about myself! No longer do I have to depend upon his care for me - I can give care without worrying so much about receiving it. I am less pouty, sad, depressed. (Gee, do the anti-depressants have anything to do w. that? Probably - duh)

Does this feeling last? Will I crash and burn after a while? - If anyone out there has been through this phase, I would love to hear your input.

Thanks again for the support!

Hi Zhamila,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, PC issues
I am so happy you are working with Steve! Good for you! This
is what my H and I SHOULD have done years back. I am so glad you are keeping us updated.

As soon as I have the chance I think I will write a "reintroduction" to the group and post my full story to everyone. I don't want to do any thread jacking here so I am going to try to keep my answer short and sweet!

I went into withdrawal years back after anger, unforgiveness, and unmet needs had completed drained my account. He eventually followed, and we just were two people who happened to live under the same roof.

About a year and a half ago we were struck by tragedy (I won't go into that at this time) We actually started to reconnect some then, but it did not last for more then a couple of months. We fell back into old habits and started to do our own thing again.

I started to feel concerned about him, he was really struggling, and needed help. I suggested he seek counseling but he refused. He wouldn't open up to me so I started snooping. One day I was reading his text messages and found an overly flirty conversation (his side only) on his phone.

I was FURIOUS! I was initially unsure what I wanted to do, but confronted him and let him know this was unacceptable and that he had to end all contact with this person or I was leaving.

After numerous conversations we agreed together to rebuild our marriage. He had no idea why I had withdrawn from him, but hated it, and wants to work with me now. We are still in the early stages but things are going well.

I would have never believed we would get to this point. I thought we were too far gone. You have made a great decision to work with Steve, and to come back to MB. Keep up the good work!

Thanks TimesAgain! It's good to hear your story & be encouraged. I am glad you are doing well, that's wonderful.

Update: It's been a rough weekend. I think I've petered out a bit.

Yesterday I had to protect my son from his discipline - we've gone over and over this, and my H truly believes he has a 'right' to discipline my children. I've told him I don't like it - he can be downright (verbally) abusive to my children - but he keeps doing it. I've started again noticing self-centered behaviors and attitudes in my H. They are driving me crazy! He was trying for a few days, but it's seems as if he's stopped trying.

I am withdrawn a bit today, I just don't want to be around someone who can be so unpleasant. I don't know if he realizes just how hurtful and harmful his behavior is, and how far we really have to go. We did cover some of the LB questionnaire - he had to stop because he got upset. We'll see if we can finish it tonight.

We meet with SH again in the morning - hopefully I'll be able to get motivated again. I do ok for a few days, then I just get so frustrated that I have a hard time keeping up my relational stamina.

You know...I just miss having a best friend. I'm sure some of you out there can relate: though married, I am alone. It's like living with a brick wall - unseen, unheard, unknown. It's lonely. sigh. Is it really possible to turn this around? To actually ENJOY the person you're married to? Does it take a certain type of man, rare to find? Or can a man really be transformed?

Wow, listen to me whining. Blame, blame, blame. That's just where I'm at today. I'm sure I'll get straightened out tomorrow morning talking to SH. Sheesh.

How old are the kids? In your OP, you said step-parenting was going well.

I could not imagine living with someone else's kids and being banned from disciplining them. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. You should be a united team ABOVE the children, all the children, or they will just play you against each other.

Could it be that he is exhibitng selfish behavior because you are ruling the roost rather than partnering? My H also was (imho) out of line in discipline, but with his own children (ours together). I got pretty far by asking to speak to him away from the kids while he was in a tirade. Did he expect to have no say over your children when you got married? Did he agree to that?

I agree with CWMI on this. My oldest daughters have a strip mom and a step dad. To ban a step parent from bring able to discipline will totally undermine the strip parent from greeting respect from thekids and will cause a division.

Dr. Harley in HNHN for parents and many of his radio shows specifically states a Step-parent should not discipline the children. It is the role of the main parent.

Can you share more of what he says? A quote?

From what you've written it sounds like he advocates that the step-parent is excluded completely from any decisions regarding stepchildren, and I just don't see how that works to protect the marriage. I don't have the for parents book.

CWMI, I meant that he should not discipline the children (as Dr. H says over and over on the radio & in his book, HNHN for Parents) - as PrayingIncessantly said, too. He absolutely has the right to be part of decisions made regarding the children - we discuss these things and make these decisions together. But his form of discipline is to be demanding and verbally abusive, which is not appropriate for any parent, least of all a step-parent.

Quote (e.g. he wants to leave at a certain time, to my son): "Put that away NOW and LETS GO! I said NOW, GIVE me that phone!"

or Quote (condescending tone, in front of the children): "What consequence are you going to impose since she's not obeying" or "What are you gonna do about that!?" (with the glaring eyes)

You know, I have enough to do to teach and train my children. I don't need a constant critic echoing me or challenging me in front of them.

I never discipline his daughter. If I have an issue, I discuss it with him in private, and he deals with it. He does not do the same: he just jumps in with criticisms, demands, etc. It's ugly.

He does better/worse but this week has been worse. Overall, I'd say that our main problems are marital - but as the marital problems continue, the parenting issues are becoming more pronounced.

Z- I can say this to you because I used to do this - the following comments are DJs. If you speak to or treat your husband like this, you aren't going to make progress.

[quote=Zhamila]Yesterday I had to 'protect' my son from his discipline [quote]

[quote=Zhamila]I've started again noticing self-centered behaviors and attitudes in my H. They are driving me crazy![quote]

[quote=Zhamila]It's like living with a brick wall.[quote]

[quote=Zhamila]To actually ENJOY the person you're married to? Does it take a certain type of man, rare to find? Or can a man really be transformed?
quote]

As much as you believe you have a logical reason to feel and act the way you do, your husband feels that he has a logical reason to feel and act the way he does. He is not the enemy that you have to fix or defeat. In order to have a happy marriage, you will need to be concerned about what frustrates him and try to fix those things and know what makes him happy and try to do those things.

He is frustrated with the kids - what can you do differently to make this situation better for both of you? What you currently doing is not working, you must find something else.

By the way, I am not saying that he is doing everything perfectly but you are the one that is here so I am encouraging you to continue to clean up your side of the street.

Here is a radio clip where Dr. Harley talks about the step parent with discipline. If there is not an enthusiastic agreement between the spouses.
Radio clip on blended family and discipline at the 6:00 mark

Penni, thanks for the correction. At first I thought, "Well I'm not saying this to him, I'm just saying it to other people, so it's not a DJ" - but then I realized if I build habits of disrespectful speech, it will come out to him. To him or about him - no good.

I am concerned about my growing negative feelings. Not a good sign. I need another dose of wisdom from SH. Thank goodness it's tomorrow!!

Thanks, Brain, that makes sense. For Zha then, it means that her and her husband need to discuss, in private, the issues he has with her children and agree on an approriate way to handle them and let Zha be the heavy with her kids. Makes sense!

Work on that love and poja!

So, we met with SH this morning. It was good as always.
We discussed our week, our successes and failures. We discussed the discipline with the children. It was a relief to have SH there weighing in!

I was very surprised by a few things my H said...I think our philosophies are more different and much more deeply entrenched than I ever realized, based upon his conversation with SH today. I was nearly overwhelmed with shock and discouragement. I mean, I 'knew' on some level that we aren't connecting, but today it became obvious why.

So I asked SH about this. I asked if there is hope. He said the way to turn it around is to provide incentive, to show my H the benefits of the MB way. And to do this, I have to keep trying to meet his ENs and avoid LBs.

I still cannot imagine how meeting his needs even more is going to turn this around. If anything, I'm the one who came for help getting my needs met & getting burnt by LBs. But I will make my checklist for each day to meet his ENs. I will make my checklist of behaviors to replace LBs. And I will do them.

I'm trying not to get tired. I'm trying to keep doing this.

I suppose real character is formed by continuing to do the right thing, even when you're bummed.

I should give credit where credit is due today:

My H emailed me several times at work, which was really nice.
He went outside and helped me put the flowers in our urns.
He respected the discipline thing with my son and refrained from being the heavy. (after a quickly-corrected flub-up)
He was pleasant to be around this evening.
He made respectful requests.

I agreed to hiring a mole man to rid our yard of the pests - he was happy. The lawn is important to him. He said he thinks it's because we met w. SH this morning, and he said he'd better slip in all kinds of requests! funny.

So....I do see progress on his side, and that is encouraging.

Am I schizo?

If anyone has experience or insight in turning a Renter into a Buyer, I would love to hear it! Also, would love to hear about how this "incentive" thing is supposed to work in turning the ship around. Like, how long does it take, how hard was it, what progress did you see, what worked/what didn't?

Thanks everyone for your encouragement, responses, corrections...all of it.

This may be a good radio clip for you to listen to. It deals with resentment and how to deal with it.

Radio Clip on Resentment

Is "deeply entrenched" code for "I'm never going to change this man?


You are right! It is obvious!




http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html






Really?

So, you feel that your husband's behavior is that of a man who is madly in love with his wife?

Because, if you were LB free, and meeting his needs expertly, he would be madly in love with you.

I mean, the guy has a lot of work to do... a ton.

But, have you considered - at all - that part of his behavior is evidence of his marital state of mind? That some of his love busters are triggered by your love busters?


I realize it's fantastic to have a blog about how horrible of a spouse your husband is, but you have to realize that your own disrespectful thoughts about your husband withdraw units from his account with you... with neither his knowledge nor his consent.

You're counting the guy out, and he hasn't even stepped in the ring!


That little glimmer you saw? That is a man who feels like there is a chance he can fall in love with his wife, and that she can actually show him some respect... and without trying to "fix" him.

Another good radio clip where Dr. Harley tells the wife to stop "criticizing" and dj'ng and her husband is a renter.
Radio Clip on criticizing

HHH, these are DJs: mind-reading, straightening out. I have a hard time listening to your advice when it is presented this way.

My posts stay focused on my feelings, and I try to avoid saying "he is wrong, I am right." I am a believer in the MB way - which is why I am here. My H has yet to be convinced that it is the way for him...by his own admission. This is not disrespectful, it is simply our different marriage philosophies.

When a person is married to someone with a very different philosophy of relationships, it can be discouraging to not have a 'meeting of the minds'. It also makes problem solving more difficult. I fully acknowledge that it is difficult for him as well. The relationship hasn't been working for either of us, which is why we are meeting with SH.

My hope is that my H will begin to see the benefits of MB, we can learn together and grow in love. I don't think that's disrespectful.