Yes, why are you reading these if you are in Plan B?

Glad to hear you are removing yourself from the drama. Now... about changing that email addy??? Have you done this? Because I am pretty sure that if you don't, you are going to find yourself sucked back in. Your track record shows that whenever WH contacts, you react and get drawn back in. Star, this is meant as constructive criticism... don't get me wrong, it is very normal BS behaviour. It is difficult to adhere to the boundaries... therefore it is best to prevent any awareness of the WS's attempt to overstep the boundary.
When you don't know about contact attempts (or also important, aren't WAITING for contact attempts) then you don't feel compelled to REACT. Then you will start to find peace.

I'm holding you to that. Accountability. You are accountable to us on MB. You are now officially re-entering Plan B.

Exactly. This is the only way you will have a truly dark Plan B. Soooo... actions not words. You are telling us you are in a dark Plan B. Tell us when you have taken action to place yourself there. Tell us when you have changed your number. Tell us when you have changed your email addy (and cancelled the original account). Tell us any other potential peeks and ways you are going to putty them up.

Starfish. Have you done this starfish? Don't send WH mixed messages...which is what you have done when you broke Plan B.

(((hugs)))

The comments I received from him this morning about the email that I sent about finding himself:

I have always wanted to be home and you know that. Your the one that locked me out. �It's time to let me back in �if we're going to try to make this work. Not being around you during this time makes things worse.

Also I never wanted to be away from my responsibilities, I pushed away from them. Those small furry kids of ours, the love of our lives. I never wanted to be without them. I miss there greetings everyday. You have kept that from me as well. I'm not saying that what you sent isn't a good reality check, but it's not me either. I was forced away form my loved ones, yes because of actions I caused, but I never wanted to leave.

Last time I was over I noticed. Close in my closet. That told me that maybe you didn't want me back, maybe you were erasing me. My stuff is all out of the house too. What am I suppose to think.

I would like to see you after work.

You know it will be 4 weeks today. How long do you want me away from my family? Don't you think it's been long enough? Do you miss me? Because I miss you.

I know you want me back, so just ask me to please come home. I'm asking may I come home.


The last thing I mentioned to him in the email that I sent before his responses above was the following:

Now, go ahead and find yourself, if needed. �I'm willing to accept you back when you are willing to come back to me WHOLE. �You have a lot to do, a lot of things to learn on your own. �Please feel free to contact me when when you can be honest about everything.

Are you thinking that I should be more specific?
I blocked his email address, until I can get everything organized and open up a new email address.

SF, I have been following your thread since its inception, as have many other people. IMO your demeanor has changed from one of hurt and shock...to fear, questioning if your actions would push him further away, confuse him, etc. and wondering what you could do to 'get him to tell the truth'...and finally now in the last week I have seen ever increasing ANGER and RESENTMENT. I know all about Plan FU, anger and resentment. One of the reasons for Plan B is to maintain what's left of your LB, and I think you can see what damage the last week has caused your LB. Understandably so, but it has set you back more than a week in terms of recovery. You are doing Plan B for you, but you are also doing it for a chance to true recovery, because if you let that LB deplete anymore you WILL be ready for D and/or go wayward yourself (this was my choice, not recommended). Good luck in your Plan B, you're the first thread I check other than my own every day because I'm always thinking about you!

Dont worry about being specific. Dont worry about telling him anything. Do not read any more of that crazy drunken rambling nonsense. Just get yourself dark ASAP get those contact details changed.

Is blocking his email working? How is it you can read these emails?

I dont think you should read another chapter of 'Poor Me - or - Why I Dont Like to Face Consequences.'

Pep summed it up best , even before seeing this latest offering. 'Stop Talking to His Lying Whiny Butt.'

I do think you should make one final effort at contact, and be VERY specific. I can see why WH is a little confused, between the Plan B letter and using an IM, to coming out of Plan B pretty quickly and being pretty friendly and willing to listen to his pleas (as in you are obviously weighing all that things he is sending you and he knows it), and now a letter about him finding himself...etc. I think it is confusing. Does he know you want the truth? YES he is not confused about that. What he is confused about is whether you are going to accept him back without it. You made a stand, put a line in the sand, then stepped over it. Now you have to start from scratch on that.

I like MelodyLane's suggestion of a short email stating that you made a mistake by coming back into contact with him. I love you and want our marriage to work, but will ONLY work on recovery when you are willing to give me the whole truth, and prove that with a poly (not just take a poly...pass a poly). Short, but with the dots VERY close together about what your terms are.

Since you are not officially back in Plan B yet, consider this:

To WH,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

This one really bothers me starfish. Have you exposed to this OW3?'s BF?

I read them before I blocked his email addresses.

I already sent this to him weeks ago...

Starfish -

MelodyLane is the ultimate expert here and this was her advice. Do it and go into Plan B. Today.

She needs to somehow shut that door again and reiterate her conditions since she has thrown them out the window this weekend. Just going dark isn't the right message either.

No, I haven't. I do believe she was texting him about a mutual friend of ours (drug addict) that was making threats to her. She had texted me too.
I asked him about the text messages and he was pretty firm that there was NO WAY that he would do anything with her. She is NOT HIS TYPE and he is NOT THE LEAST BIT ATTRACTED TO HER. I never heard him answer any question this way regarding the other women, so I believe this to be true. His response was telling.

Ok, so send him another short email or ignore him? I'm getting advice her for both and not sure what is the best thing to do. Should I reiterate my conditions?

He knows your conditions....he is just trying to wear you down......i say ignore....plan b.....and go do your nails.

Should I get his mailing address through his roommate to mail him the check for my portion of the bills or leave the check somewhere? I don't want to leave anything else at my mom's house, because he will try to talk to them.

Mailing him anything directly would be breaking PB. Can you auto deposit the money into his account?

And, this time around, you should not only block his calls, emails etc, you should CHANGE YOUR NUMBERS. Speaking of which, what about the cell phone? Is it still in his name with your sister's and mother's? You need to get your own.

You've already attempted PB once, so you have some idea what needs to be plugged up.

You don't need to lead him around anymore, that's not your job.

I would do what ML suggested, send the short email about how you made a mistake contacting him, and have decided to stop again.

Plan C can be very hard to change from, so do this correctly.

Ok, how about this???

WH,

I realize that I made a mistake in contacting you last weekend. It is apparent that you are not willing to do any work to save our marriage or help us to rebuild. It is also apparent that myself and our marriage are not a priority to you.

I cannot be in contact with you until you agree to tell me the truth about every affair and indiscretions with other woman since we met in 2003. In order to regain communication with me, you must be willing to tell me the full truth and pass a polygraph.

BW

SF....he knows where the water trough is....but he is to busy staring at the mirage.....he knows what he needs to do.....go plan b...stop stalling.

Ok, I'm getting really confused here...
1/2 of the advice I am getting here is to send him a short email and the other 1/2 is telling me to ignore him and that he already knows, which I agree with.

Follow Scotty...she is better at this....